Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dilbertrob, Dec 21, 2006.

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  1. dilbertrob

    dilbertrob Member

    What the hell did I do to deserve feeling like this? I thought I was over the suicidal feelings and I was doing better. my preset date came and went and I made it through, but shit now am here again. I put my whole existence in one person and that person does everything in her power to make me feel small and insignificant. Why do I care so much? I don't even have the right to feel this way. There are people on these forums everyday that have serious problems and struggle with depression, drug addiction, alcoholism, OCD, Social Anxiety Disorder and other horrible diseases that are so much worse off than I am. I am ashamed that I whine about my insignificant problems. The only woman I have ever loved deserted me and treats me like absolute shit. I try to do the right thing always. I am generous and genuinely care about people. I go out of my way to help people and be a good friend, a good father and a good husband. What do I get for my trouble, I get to feel alone and desperate. If I didn't have my kids for the holiday, I don't think I could make it through. I deserve just a little happiness, don't I? I don't deserve to feel like this. Christmas used to be my favorite time of the year. This year I will spend time with my family, which I hate and spend time with my wife and her family. All the while I will smile and act fucking happy, so everyone will have a good time and won't worry about me. My stepkids, who I love dearly have basically told me that they don't like talking to me when I act depressed because it makes them feel bad. I can't even be depressed without making everyone else miserable. My stepson basically told me to suck it up and act like a man. So I'll act happy so noone has to be bothered with me and my insignificant feelings. Just keep your feelings to yourself, and don't bring everyone else down. What I have found out is that people will tolerate you until you have problems, then they don't want to be bothered by you or your feelings. If it weren't for my own two kids, I would be dead already. They would be better off without me anyway. Sorry for long post. I am going to finish off this pint and keep drinking until I pass out. That's the only thing that kills the pain I have, at least for a little while. I don't know how I am going to make it through the holidays.
  2. allofme

    allofme Staff Alumni

    depression is a road of ups and downs... i wish it was nto so ... as i too am riding those rocky roads along with you...

    you have done nothing to feel so bad ....

    as for giving your trust to ppl who break it and dont deserve it.... well that is something we all strugle with .. i do know that the more we value ourselves the less and less we will allow others to devalue us....

    as for getting through the holidays... TOGETHER .... is the only way any of us will make it...

    o and just ask any child of a parent who has comitted su... they were not better off... so please dont think that....
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 22, 2006
  3. dilbertrob

    dilbertrob Member

    Thanks for the reply allofme. I think if I can make it through the holidays, I'll be fine. I know in my heart that my kids would not be better off without me, but when the bad thoughts come and you start to feel down, it's too easy to loose site of that. You just want to stop hurting. But today is a better day....so far.
  4. blackfire

    blackfire Well-Known Member

    We can not help the fact that we have depression. It is a curable disease like anyother. It is a hard thing to get over but it is able to be done. Depression can be a roller coaster of up and down feelings. Mood swings are a common thing. Just remember that no one deserves to be depressed, but we can get help for it.
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