What the hell did I do to deserve feeling like this? I thought I was over the suicidal feelings and I was doing better. my preset date came and went and I made it through, but shit now am here again. I put my whole existence in one person and that person does everything in her power to make me feel small and insignificant. Why do I care so much? I don't even have the right to feel this way. There are people on these forums everyday that have serious problems and struggle with depression, drug addiction, alcoholism, OCD, Social Anxiety Disorder and other horrible diseases that are so much worse off than I am. I am ashamed that I whine about my insignificant problems. The only woman I have ever loved deserted me and treats me like absolute shit. I try to do the right thing always. I am generous and genuinely care about people. I go out of my way to help people and be a good friend, a good father and a good husband. What do I get for my trouble, I get to feel alone and desperate. If I didn't have my kids for the holiday, I don't think I could make it through. I deserve just a little happiness, don't I? I don't deserve to feel like this. Christmas used to be my favorite time of the year. This year I will spend time with my family, which I hate and spend time with my wife and her family. All the while I will smile and act fucking happy, so everyone will have a good time and won't worry about me. My stepkids, who I love dearly have basically told me that they don't like talking to me when I act depressed because it makes them feel bad. I can't even be depressed without making everyone else miserable. My stepson basically told me to suck it up and act like a man. So I'll act happy so noone has to be bothered with me and my insignificant feelings. Just keep your feelings to yourself, and don't bring everyone else down. What I have found out is that people will tolerate you until you have problems, then they don't want to be bothered by you or your feelings. If it weren't for my own two kids, I would be dead already. They would be better off without me anyway. Sorry for long post. I am going to finish off this pint and keep drinking until I pass out. That's the only thing that kills the pain I have, at least for a little while. I don't know how I am going to make it through the holidays.