Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by MoAnamCara, Aug 7, 2014.

  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Why do you not contact me anymore?

    Why don't I feel your presence?

    Why do you trigger me?

    Why do I behave so foolishly?

    Why am I still bloody here?

    I want to scream and bang things and cut and so on. Instead you'll see me with the effort of a smile on my face. Yes, everything is just grand.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Add some stress, and some other vital ingredients, just for fun. Then let's talk about money. For one I have opened myself up to, in the midst of that day... The dollar seems more important. That's ok, just need to remind myself to keep that guard close by it appears.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    :hug: hope you're okay hun, keep talking if it helps =)
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am sorry it all hurts so much, Mo. Email me any time. I will listen
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you.
  7. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Hey... just saw this, :arms: here too, no answers or wonderful words, but I do have 2 very broad shoulders... and a massive boot too please be kind to yourself, you are so worth it! :grouphug:
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I've taken meds to relax but so far I'm still hyper vigilant. The smallest of things are making me jump and my stomach is in knots, I feel a little dizzy, heart is racing and having difficulty being here. Today is another of those dates this month. Then it'll be three down and two to go. I think I'm okay and then boom. I need to relax so I can get some sleep. Definitely need sleep.
  9. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    This is why I run. This.
  10. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am SO sorry there is this level of pain right now Mo. I wish I had something that could help. Please know I am here if you need me. Just reach out if you can. I am here. :hug:
  11. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Flowers, as always, my sincerest thanks. Even when suffering so, you still help others. And I am very grateful.
  12. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Mo, you are worth every bit of help and support..... and then some. I see the light in you. And do not ask that you see it for yourself. I think that those amonst us who know suffering understand how important it is to reach out to those we care about. You do that for others, such as me. And so I hope I can do that for you as well, my friend.
  13. Jagroen

    Jagroen Well-Known Member

    I think your still here to get that presence from the people who are willing to contact you and talk to you when you need it!

    we all make harsh choices, but we learn from most of them.

    If you ever need to vent, keep in mind that I'm willing to listen.
  14. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist


    There, all better now. :(
  15. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hummmmm :hug: Not so easy to be all better now, is it. :(
  16. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    No.. It's not flowers.

    People forget very quickly. Sometimes that can be a good thing I suppose. But when one is in the middle of it all and those who know don't acknowledge losses etc., that upsets me. I realize I'm expecting the impossible and I should know better. But I wonder do others even think about the losses I've had? I mean I know they can't understand unless they've been through it and that's just fine, I get that part. But to not have these people brought up in the few conversations I have with the few people I talk with, is difficult. It's like those people never existed. And that makes me very sad. Because they did, they still do, for me at least. And I miss them, one in particular.

    I want to let go, to let it all out. But I'm scared to go there. I would like to scream and do other stupid things, but where will that get me? Id like to be able to cry, truly let out so much. I'd like to ask people if they realize the sorrow that I still can feel? Time does make it easier but it doesn't make one forget, at all. And when it hits, the reality... Yet again... Then it's exceedingly hard.

    And yes I am being very self centered here. Again. But, it hurts.
  17. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I do not think you are being self centered. Not at all. I think you are expressing pain that no one should ever have to know. Pain that most people will not know. Because it is multiple losses. And then more in addition to that. AND one loss that is profoundly significant.
    Its HUGE to handle with a lot of support. But when there isnt support?

    No amount of healing makes one forget. For many it can help them to move on. But you and I know that moving on is not possible for all people. My sister in law is actually quite emotionally healthy. But she deeply believes she will not really ever move on after the death of her husband. And I have no reason to doubt her. This is just one loss for her. In a lifetime that was largely balanced etc. So I do believe that the pain you are dealing with is beyond remarkably difficult. I think there is nothing self centered about expressing that. I would much rather see you express it than keep it in. And if anyone tells you that its self centered, direct them to me. I will tell them a thing or two about the strength it takes to face another day. And a few other things, i will say too. Things that are not fit to be typed here. Suffice to say the person judging you would not be pleased with the conversation after I got done with them. :hug:

    Also, you wrote that you are "too scared to go there". In my own way I understand that. Because I have felt it before in previous years. Its almost like a survival thing kicks in.