Scum I'm really sorry, your GP should be shot, honestly, I know how much courage it takes to ask for help when you want it so desperately and are so convinced that no-one will think you're worth the time.
Luckily for me when I asked for help I found support I didn't even know I had. I can't imagine what I would have done if when I'd finally worked up the courage to ask for the help I needed someone had told me not to bother, or worse not even listened.
It sounds like your life so far has been really, really hard and you're tired of the struggle. I won't say that I understand, because I don't and no-one ever really can completely understand someone else or their problems or their experiences. But I can say for sure that I've been there, when the thought of one more day of the pain is so unbearable that you'd rather just not wake up, when the feelings of disgust with yourself and your situation are eating you up and you just want to give up.
But I've read some of the things you've said on this forum, and like the others I was touched by your empathy and your compassion. I wish you'd consider staying around, even if only for that reason. Even if inside you feel evil and scummy and worthless and vile, and that no-one will miss you if you die, just consider getting your blood count back up and trying again? The people on this forum need more people who can relate to them like you do.
I mean, I've never met you, I know nothing about you like you've said, but I think that you're worth writing a very long and thoughful reply to. I think that you are someone who is screaming for help and the only ones who will listen are strangers on the internet. But at least we're listening, does that not help at all?
Being alive is not selfish of you. Please do not say that. I can't bear the thought of you considering yourself a burden on those who know you, that your death will bring them comfort or relief. Even if you are convinced of it, I don't see how it can be true. I mean, someone is going to miss you, even if it is just me, a stranger with a strange screenname from somewhere in the Southern Hemisphere (just to give you a vague clue as to my whereabouts).
You seem like a really great person and I'd love the chance to get to know you, or at least this front that you present to the virtual world. I don't know why you feel this way, I don't know if you'll ever get better, but don't you think you could give yourself a chance? Why do it now, why not in a month, three months, a year? I know this sounds harsh, but you'll be just as dead in a couple of months.
Is there really nothing you enjoy? A song that you love and want to hear a few more times ('Tuna in the Brine' by Silverchair was mine)? A place you've never visited that you'd love to see? I just wish you'd try again, give yourself another chance at happiness and help, let someone you know in to help you. Do you have friends, family, someone you know who knows you?
I hope that you at least consider sticking around, and if you do give up then I hope you realise that you won't feel the relief you're so desperately seeking because you won't be here to enjoy it. I just wish there was a way I could make you see that even though you don't think you're worth the bother, that you're evil and you're worthless, that if you go through with it and die, your suffering will be ended but for someone, at least ONE person, suffering will begin.
I had a friend kill herself a few years back, we weren't best friends but we were close. And to this day, I still see people who look like her in starbucks, or on the bus, or in a magazine, and for a few seconds, I think it's her. It's like a physical blow when I remember that she's dead. In her letter she wrote "what's the point, I'm nothing, no-one will miss me or remember me, I'm failing at life and this is the end of all our suffering, forget me as soon as you can".
She was convinced, as you seem to be, that she was evil, vile, worthless, the scum of the earth and that no-one would miss her. But she was so wrong, I would give the world to make her see that people she didn't even think of were affected by her death more than words can express. People who hated her were remorseful, people who knew her were guilty that they didn't help.
I know that you're not my friend Vicki, and I know that helping you won't bring her back. But she was as convinced as you that no-one would miss her, and even though it's been nearly five years, to this day we still celebrate her birthday, and cry and cry, wishing she'd given herself another chance at life, and us another chance to show her how much we cared.
Give your friends the chance we weren't given, give yourself the chance Vicki didn't. I'm urging you to get better and please, please PLEASE reach out to someone, anyone, a new doctor, an old friend, or an anonymous stranger on the internet. I've PMd you my address, email me if you want to talk about anything, nothing, your problems, why you are evil and what you've done that makes you think you're scummy, or the weather. Anything at all, I'll be there, I'm thinking of you.
All my love,
S.
P.S. that was my first post, how did I do?
