Why?

I was sat watching This Morning, this morning, watching the bit about child hood depression.

I was in a mess from the age of 9 onwards, but why did no one help me.

Why, when from the age of 9 I had a whole multitude of suicides planned, had tried to take my own life at 9, felt nothing, felt empty, knew people didn't love me, did no one realise?

If they had have done then maybe I would not feel so vile now. I thought it was normal to plan suicides, to feel bad, to feel inferior, to feel sad and unloved, to be alone.

Why, when for the past couple of years I have been desperate for help, there is no one that will help.

Why, when my GP will help other people will mental health problems, he won't help me.

What is it about me that is so worthless, so scummy, so evil.

All I ever wanted was for this to go away, I tried so fucking hard to get help, but there is nothing there for me.

Why has my whole life been one big fuck up.

It's never gonna change.

 

Back to the GP, I mean it go back and shout if you have to, but get him to listen.

Remember it's just a GP, they're not trained in psychiatry; it might be that when you're there you seem ok (I know I tend to underplay how I'm feeling when at the docs).

If it helps, write down what you're going to say before you go so that you dont wander in and only say half of what you meant to.

You are not scum or evil, you're just not being listened to.

 

Thanks for the reply.

I'm not going back to the docs, they ahve made their feelings quite clear.

I want help, but I am resigned to not getting it, and dying soon (I'm already on my way).

I have not tried for help for months now, they knew, before that, exactly what I was doing, and they are happy for me to do it.

Now it's just a matter of time.

Thanks for your response

 

Hi

Sounds like you have a lot of unanswered questions.. and are understandably angry about how you've been treated.

Words escape me for possible reasons. How you were treated is just wrong. No child, nor adult, should be left to suffer like you have been for so long alone. Please though, try to believe me when i say that you are not scummy or evil, or anything of the sort. You show great compassion on this forum alone.. you seem like a lovely person.. a lovely person, who is hurting deeply.

When i was a young teenager my mum found a suicide letter of mine.. my school even told her i was self harming.. and she did nothing. I sometimes wonder what was going through her head. Why did she not reach out to me, or get help for me. It's strange.. i know for a fact that if i ever have kids and i am aware they're depressed, i would not ignore it.

I wish i could help somehow with your pain and frustrations. Your GP is clearly an arsehole who needs to go on a few more training courses. I truly hope that you do not end your life.. you say you want help.. i urge you please to reach out some more.. maybe get a 2nd opinion.. or a good counsellor.. keep on posting on the forum.. anything that may help you through this.

:arms:

 

Hey, thanks for taking the time to reply, I am very appreciative.

I am so sorry that you had the chance for help at an early age and that because people buried their heads in the sand, it did not happen. I guess the positive from that is that you have learnt from her mistakes and would never do that to your own child.

I don't mean to be rude, nor ungrateful, but please don't tell me I am not evil or scummy. You don't know me, and know nothing about me, you see a front on this forum, inside is where I am rotten and evil. Please please don't let yourself be fooled by what you see here.

Thanks for the support, I really do appreciate it. I am already on the way to death. I have a very low blood count and it continues to plummet. If I allow it to keep falling then I will be dead soon. Death will be freedom for both me and all those that really know me, because all those that really know me know how nasty I am and wish me dead too. I guess being alive is pretty selfish in that sense. At least if I die then I am doing something for others.

Thanks for the reply, It means a lot that you took the time to write it, so thank you

 

Well, I'm going to say that I believe that you are not rotten and evil, for the simple reason that I don't believe anyone is. Secondly, as I've said elsewhere, you present as a kind, empathic person and I don't believe that anyone who is truly "evil" could present such a facade... they haven't the werewithal. Sorry if this upsets you and I'm sorry that you experience yourself as rotten and evil... that must be very painful for you.

 

I see what you are saying, really I do, but I know it's not true (sorry fi that offends you, I am not calling you a liar, you just don't have all the facts, I guess it is only a half truth if that makes sense).

Sometimes the truth is painful, and I don't like being this evil person, but I can't change it, that's the way it is.

I guess people just need to be aware, and anyone who talks to me should be on alert for it.

Sorry, but thanks

 

Scum I'm really sorry, your GP should be shot, honestly, I know how much courage it takes to ask for help when you want it so desperately and are so convinced that no-one will think you're worth the time.

Luckily for me when I asked for help I found support I didn't even know I had. I can't imagine what I would have done if when I'd finally worked up the courage to ask for the help I needed someone had told me not to bother, or worse not even listened.

It sounds like your life so far has been really, really hard and you're tired of the struggle. I won't say that I understand, because I don't and no-one ever really can completely understand someone else or their problems or their experiences. But I can say for sure that I've been there, when the thought of one more day of the pain is so unbearable that you'd rather just not wake up, when the feelings of disgust with yourself and your situation are eating you up and you just want to give up.

But I've read some of the things you've said on this forum, and like the others I was touched by your empathy and your compassion. I wish you'd consider staying around, even if only for that reason. Even if inside you feel evil and scummy and worthless and vile, and that no-one will miss you if you die, just consider getting your blood count back up and trying again? The people on this forum need more people who can relate to them like you do.

I mean, I've never met you, I know nothing about you like you've said, but I think that you're worth writing a very long and thoughful reply to. I think that you are someone who is screaming for help and the only ones who will listen are strangers on the internet. But at least we're listening, does that not help at all?

Being alive is not selfish of you. Please do not say that. I can't bear the thought of you considering yourself a burden on those who know you, that your death will bring them comfort or relief. Even if you are convinced of it, I don't see how it can be true. I mean, someone is going to miss you, even if it is just me, a stranger with a strange screenname from somewhere in the Southern Hemisphere (just to give you a vague clue as to my whereabouts).

You seem like a really great person and I'd love the chance to get to know you, or at least this front that you present to the virtual world. I don't know why you feel this way, I don't know if you'll ever get better, but don't you think you could give yourself a chance? Why do it now, why not in a month, three months, a year? I know this sounds harsh, but you'll be just as dead in a couple of months.

Is there really nothing you enjoy? A song that you love and want to hear a few more times ('Tuna in the Brine' by Silverchair was mine)? A place you've never visited that you'd love to see? I just wish you'd try again, give yourself another chance at happiness and help, let someone you know in to help you. Do you have friends, family, someone you know who knows you?

I hope that you at least consider sticking around, and if you do give up then I hope you realise that you won't feel the relief you're so desperately seeking because you won't be here to enjoy it. I just wish there was a way I could make you see that even though you don't think you're worth the bother, that you're evil and you're worthless, that if you go through with it and die, your suffering will be ended but for someone, at least ONE person, suffering will begin.

I had a friend kill herself a few years back, we weren't best friends but we were close. And to this day, I still see people who look like her in starbucks, or on the bus, or in a magazine, and for a few seconds, I think it's her. It's like a physical blow when I remember that she's dead. In her letter she wrote "what's the point, I'm nothing, no-one will miss me or remember me, I'm failing at life and this is the end of all our suffering, forget me as soon as you can".

She was convinced, as you seem to be, that she was evil, vile, worthless, the scum of the earth and that no-one would miss her. But she was so wrong, I would give the world to make her see that people she didn't even think of were affected by her death more than words can express. People who hated her were remorseful, people who knew her were guilty that they didn't help.

I know that you're not my friend Vicki, and I know that helping you won't bring her back. But she was as convinced as you that no-one would miss her, and even though it's been nearly five years, to this day we still celebrate her birthday, and cry and cry, wishing she'd given herself another chance at life, and us another chance to show her how much we cared.

Give your friends the chance we weren't given, give yourself the chance Vicki didn't. I'm urging you to get better and please, please PLEASE reach out to someone, anyone, a new doctor, an old friend, or an anonymous stranger on the internet. I've PMd you my address, email me if you want to talk about anything, nothing, your problems, why you are evil and what you've done that makes you think you're scummy, or the weather. Anything at all, I'll be there, I'm thinking of you.

All my love,
S.

P.S. that was my first post, how did I do?