This may be quite a long post so I’m sorry if you get bored reading it but this is my life I’ve had to live so far…….. I’ve not been on here in a while and I was doing ok but recently I had a trigger and now I spiralling out of control. When will be able to stop thinking of all the fucked up things that have happened. I feel I need to explain what’s going on here so you can understand a little more about me………… I’m not sure how much detail to go into so here goes……………… Growing up I had a fairly normal childhood until the age of 13 and EVERYTHING started to go downhill very rapidly from there. Age 13 - I was sexually assaulted by my boyfriend’s father. After this happened I felt totally alone and this was the first time I self harmed, to be perfectly honest with you it was a suicide attempt. I couldnt deal with all the things I was feeling shame, guilt, blame etc. Slowly life began to unravel I couldn’t concentrate on school, I started drinking and self-harming on a regular basis, I was also flirting with any guy who was around (This I still do) I was bullied in school for some reason, so was answer to this was to join “the wrong crowd” and start shoplifting. Age 15 – I was beaten up by a guy I was dating. A month before my 18th birthday I started dating a much much older guy than me, he emotionally abused throughout our relationship, took sexually explicit photos of me and used me for some wild & crazy sex stuff I was nowhere near ready for!! Age 19 – I was sexually assaulted by a guy (who I thought was supposed to be a friend to me). On this occasion I actually plucked up the courage to go to the police about him. They took statements etc etc this went on for the next few months (a lot more drinking). Eventually they decided there “wasn’t enough evidence to prosecute” the little fucker got away with it and I’m the one still living with the emotional toll it took on me. I’d love to say that’s the end of my story but no the male species hadn’t finished emotionally kicking the shit out of me yet! Age 21 – This is where it becomes a hell of a lot harder to write about things. I was dating this guy and I was head over heels in love, we were engaged looking to start our life together until that one night…….. He raped me. The next morning he was disgusted with himself (all apologetic etc) he even said he was going to leave me there and then and commit suicide. I was pathetic, weak and told told him we can get over it and I loved him……. Seriously what was I thinking???? I really must have had mug tattooed on my head I mean who the hell wants to stay with someone like that……. Oh yeah me I did!!!! I’d like to say that I’m over that incident but I am most defiantly not. A few years after this happened there was another guy (a family friend) he persuaded me to go for drinks with him. I was totally wasted and usually I can remember exactly what happens on a night out. The next morning I woke up in his bed naked and sore. He insisted nothing happened but I know something did. I lost touch with this guy and then after a couple of years he was back on the scene again. He got in touch with me, at first I wanted nothing to do with him but he wore me down and we started chatting again. I was of course nervous and cautious after last time, I confronted him about what had gone on last time we were together and he said nothing would EVER happen like that again. I believed him so he took me for dinner and a few drinks…….. You are all going to think I’m stupid for going out with him again and I totally blame myself as the same thing happened again only this time I was tied to the bed so I couldn’t get away. This time I know he’d raped me for the second time as there was evidence in the room and I had to go get the morning after pill. I can’t believe I was SO stupid and naive to believe and trust any guy after the first time it happened at 13. People seem to think I’m this really happy bubbly person but I’m really not it is all an act I put on to cover the shame, hurt, worthlessness and blame I feel everyday. There is only one good thing to have happened to me I am now married to a really lovely guy but I have put him through a hell of a lot since we’ve been together, suicide attempts, self-harm, alcoholism, he really shouldn’t be with me. I’m such a mess and I’ve sent so long trying to hide everything that the last few months have been a struggle and things are starting to unravel. I’m shit scared that my perfect bubble I’ve built around myself is about to pop and if that burts who knows what’s going to happen……….?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!