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  1. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Permanent loser

    I had myself committed almost a year ago, tried to kill myself on my birthday and then nearly killing myself again in about ten days from now, a year ago. Yet I thought it might be a better idea to try to get some help, I was committed to an acute center, was there for ten days, obviously they recommended a residential center, then I saw my therapist one-on-one for a few minutes the day before I was discharged, first time! Discharged the next day and sent to an RTC that I had been to (the acute hospital that is, and for a month and three days), well insurance decided that I didn't need RTC so they put me in PHP (partial hospitalization). I was there two weeks, talked to my therapist twice after begging, she wouldn't listen to me. Then PHP people decided to put me in the acute center there, it also just happened to apparently be the busiest time on month apparently and there were 30 girls including me in the ward, so we stole the Vets unit, which barely fit all of us. I was there a week, talked to my therapist for the first time on a Friday, she only told me I was getting out on Monday. I was under the impression that the hospital was a step to RTC --but I guess not. So they dropped me, I had to go back to school the next week. I'm so glad people with severe suicidal thoughts on a daily basis for seven years in counting who is continually getting worse and struggling to stay alive is all better on some med that supposedly will take effect in a few weeks? (Hint: it didn't, like every other drug they've given me.)
    This happened before the first time I attempted and since being dropped doesn't really make you all better, I attempted again. So after I was dropped, about a month later I started planning to kill myself again. It didn't succeed this time because I told my therapist. Later, in about February-March I told my family that I wanted a year off (I graduated in June) before college, so I could be admitted again AS AN ADULT, hopefully so i could actually get some treatment. My parents grudgingly agreed after laying out a list of conditions etc.
    Here's the funny part! Money --we don't got none.
    My dad lost his job again in January and still can't find one that will actually pay his salary, but he can't retire, since he's two years away from retirement. So he's been slowly selling of stuff in his house to make ends meet. There wasn't much money when I was admitted last year, which may have been largely why I got dropped.
    I really shouldn't be surprised should I??
    When I really want something, or am trying really hard for something, nothing will work out.
    And so goes the rest of the story.
    It's nice to think that my dad will magically get that job that won't pay him crap, or I'd win the lottery, or some organization/person will step in and help. They'll do it for child cancer patients (like my brother) won't do it for those "dangerous and homicidal" severely depressed teens, which if you bother looking at statistics, those "dangerous teens" if helped, can actually make society better. Not sure how it helps society to give a five year old a free trip to Seaworld, paying for their treatment yes, free trip no.
    What about my mother? Yes, she's in the picture, and she works for the state and hasn't had a raise since she started working there (18 years ago), like my dad she's a computer programer (aren't they supposed to make lots of money?). She's too old they won't train her in the "new" systems the state uses (which are well over a decade old, and no one but the state uses them). And we get health insurance through them. So she's stuck.
    Sure I could go work for $7.50, which is really helpful! Let's just ignore the fact that I have severe social anxiety, I worked last summer and it was a disaster, and I'm severely Agoraphobic. So, like my mom says, I'm just being a bum freeloader that she ought to throw out of the house, since I'm not going to school, working and paying rent. Regardless that I am a live-in maid, but what does that count?
    Second problem: I'm not an alcoholic or a junkie.
    Adult long-term centers are made especially for addiction, as much as I wanted to, that's something I decided not to get into, though I did get drunk a few times. Totally new one for me to be PENALIZED for not being a substance abuser! Damn, I thought substance abuse was a bad thing, but no, its more severe than having about six severe disorders in counting, so screw you for not becoming a total delinquent!
    Third: Of all the centers in the state that I live, I can't find one, not one, that makes exceptions! I have only found two (out of state) that MAY take me. Great news, insurance probably won't pay for it, it's likely out of network and its super expensive because it includes other therapies like Neurofeedback, EMDR, ketamine therapy etc. because for some fcking reason, not everyone responds to talk and group therapy!
    Four: At this point, why should I care anymore?
    After visiting a acute center in my area and meeting with a representative this summer, who told me up front that I didn't look like in belonged in any center (oh, I just wasn't sick enough), of course by the end she told me I might need to check in to the adolescent center nextdoor. Ok, so I guess I should start looking for a career in acting, since I'm so great at it, probably because I've learned to hide it so well that my mother thinks this is all crap, an act. I've lived 14 years with mental illness, my household is very emotionally/psychologically abusive, so I have to act normal to survive. I'm losing less and less of my ability to communicate with others, engage in reality --even just to think straight. But after that meeting, I lost any hesitation, or hope that things would/could get better, which is what gave me a reason not to attempt last year and years past, in the future I won't have that problem anymore. It's quite relieving actually, when my dad takes me on the motorcycle, I don't hold on anymore, I can take whatever the hell type risks I want, and I'm not afraid of negative consequences.
    I plan to attempt to be admitted to one center in November after the election. If it doesn't work out, (it probably won't) then I don't care.
    I spent the summer making a list of symptoms and a year keeping a journal that I wanted my therapist/psychiatrist at whatever center to read, now it doesn't matter anymore, if they bother to read it or not, I doubt they would anyways, a month ago I would have said that they wouldn't because I was a minor, and what the hell does a minor know, more likely now, it's still ageist but instead I hold no degree so again, what the hell do I know.
    Last year, when I thought about waiting another year until I was an adult to get treatment, I knew I'd never make it (and it probably wouldn't work out), funny, it ain't workin' out! Damn, how amazing I was right yet again!
    Next year is a 7 year, and in my mother's family, someone dies in a seven year, my grandma barely made it past that and died on St. Patty's Day in 2008. But not my grandpa 1997, my grandmother's sister 1987, my mother's great uncle in 1977, my great-grandmother in 1967, (my mom wasn't around in '57). I don't think any supernatural crap is real, but the timing is interesting.

    And yes, I still write amazingly long crap --if anyone remembers...
  2. Wiltingone

    Wiltingone Well-Known Member

    Angel I'm so sorry you're going through all that. It's got to be incredibly frustrating and you are definitely justified in your anger and in my opinion Why? is a valid question.

    I don't have any answers as I ask the same question. My life right now isn't great, but there were years when it was a whole lot better and those years followed some really difficult ones similar to those you are experiencing. If I had succeeded in killing myself then, I wouldn't have been around for some good years with some great and even amazing experiences. The bad news is that for me at least, getting there involved doing a lot of talking about all the messed up years and family dysfunction and all. It wasn't easy. But it was worth the effort and pain. Getting the right help with the right person will likely help you too. I don't know if that will happen for you this year or the next, but I do know that you will need to be alive for it to happen.

    I hope it happens soon for you and if not, that you're patient enough and persevering enough to give the future you that time now. You write and express yourself really well. When you find the right help, your writings will help a lot. Keep writing about your frustrations here and I look forward to one day reading about how you haven't been on the forum much because your life has been so busy with good things. I'm sure a small part of you still dares to dream of that. Keep dreaming and keep breathing and keep trying. I've no doubt it will happen for you.

    Wishing you all the best that life has to offer and gobs of patience as you deal with some of the worst.

    AngelofPainandMisery likes this.
  3. Wiltingone

    Wiltingone Well-Known Member

    Interesting about the years ending in 7. I was reminded of how the President in office on years ending in multiples of 20's died while in office, or something like that. From Wlliam Harding in 1840 to JFK 1960, it held true. And then with Ronald Reagan in 1980, he came close to death. But he didn't die, nor did the next. Sometimes there's just strange coincidences and other times it may be part of a greater plan. I have no idea which is which, but I hope that 2017 brings some good news to you and your family and your 7 years and all the others in between become less pain filled and even joy filled.
    AngelofPainandMisery likes this.
  4. Wiltingone

    Wiltingone Well-Known Member

    It took me so long to finally write something that I completely forgot that this is the empathy forum. Mods if anything I wrote is too much like advice rather than shared empathy, then please remove it. And Angel my apologies. I definitely empathize with you which is why I've wanted so much to respond.
    AngelofPainandMisery likes this.
  5. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Permanent loser

    Thank you Wiltingone, I'm sorry I couldn't thank you properly in the state I was in last year especially since you were the only one who ever responded to me on this post when I needed it most.
  6. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    How are you doing? Good to see you around
  7. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Permanent loser

    I am better, I have been out of residential for about two months and I'm not suicidal anymore which is a pretty big deal for someone with Borderline and that I've been suicidal for seven years! Thanks for asking and thanks for remembering me! :)
    Grok, shania and Rockclimbinggirl like this.
  8. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Permanent loser

    So an update on what's been going on with me:
    I went into residential for 36 days, I met some good people, but overall it was almost a complete waste. I was put in the eating disorder house, which of all the houses was not totally up to date-- and I got to find this out two weeks before I left that this was the only house with no DBT groups. Insurance screwed me at the end of the year, refusing to use logic that my parents had just payed $14,000 therefore they couldn't meet the demand of $27,000, just because it was the new year. I became extremely depressed that I would be going home, back to an emotionally abusive household, I started self harming and had a suicide attempt. This place did not stabilize me and refused to give me drugs that could potentially work because my symptoms weren't "severe enough," the dietitian lied to me about my weight and made me gain weight even though I was overweight, they lied on their website about what therapies they offered, they never did any therapy with my family, I never even got to do EMDR, which is a requirement in the program. Like I said in the previous post, I was still penalized for not being a substance abuser at this place with all the "12 step" stuff that doesn't apply to me at all, they never did anything to address my social problems assuming "being with people" would just magically work, oh, I also started smoking there.On the positive side, I met some nice people, found some really good books, was diagnosed officially with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder, had psych testing done, and this was the best facility for mental health I have ever been in--- meaning it wasn't traumatic or abusive.
    After my suicide attempt I was taken to Nashville to a psych hospital for stabilization after two days on lithium I was beyond stabilized and was no longer wanting to harm myself or kill myself-- something I hadn't experienced in over 7 years of severe mental illness, finally found a drug that worked-- that was a miracle. So I'm ready to go back to the residential facility and guess what they say? Yes, we think you can make some real progress now that you've been stabilized? WRONG! They said I couldn't come back and gave no reason why-- my mother had to come at a day's notice all the way from where I live to Nashville, in the middle of the week to get me.
    Things at home are going well, today I finished one of my two IOPs, I had been in this one for 6 weeks. I have a therapist and psychiatrist and hopefully soon a EMDR therapist. I'm not working but I volunteer twice a week once at the local public library and the other at a Bunny shelter, I plan to eventually volunteer at another shelter or at the Green Party HQ where I live. Once I'm comfortable with my social skills, the only major thing that hasn't been addressed, I would say it's very major: I've not had a friend in 7 years, I can't pick up on social cues or understand nuances or body language or anything unspoken, it's almost to the severity of someone with an autistic spectrum disorder. Anyone who remembers me from the past on this site knows my social skills are crap and I don't know what to do to change that, evidenced by the fact that most people I've interacted with here don't remember me and few people respond to my posts.
    Lastly, I plan to start school in the fall.
  9. dugga

    dugga Well-Known Member

    Hi Angel, your last post sounds positive.... I'm glad your life is moving forward and you're getting the right care for your conditions. There are a lot of good books on body language and social skills - Allan Pease is someone who comes to mind. Some of his books might be in your library - you could find them worthwhile. All the best - take of yourself.
  10. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Permanent loser

    Thank you, I certainly will look him up!
  11. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Go as long as you can. And then take another step. Chat Pro SF Supporter

    Thanks for sharing Angel. I'm glad things are looking up, and really impressed and inspired with the constant work you've put in...
    Sending lotsa hugs and strength your way.