why..

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Sa Palomera, Apr 10, 2007.

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  1. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Why can't I just say goodbye and start living a life without them. I'm sick of hurting everyone I fucking told them to get away from me, to leave me alone, to walk away from me because I fucking know they'll end up getting hurt again :cry:

    It's my curse, everyone around me gets hurt. I try so hard, I try so hard to turn back into that happy Ester everyone used to know, the one that made fun and smiled (even if it was fake), the one that wasn't close to anyone. I'm trying so hard but people won't co-operate. :cry:

    I deleted them persons I was closest too off my GoogleTalk, Skype and MSN, I should add them back and block them, before deleting again. If they can't walk away from me, I have to walk away from them. Why is it so hard. Because they seem to be one of the few who care? Well, fuck that Ester, you dont even deserve to be cared for and to be loved, so that's no excuse. Just block them and delete them. They need to get better without you on top of it. They need to get better without worrying about you. They need to get better without you in their life cos they shouldn't be hurt again.

    I know exactly what to do. But it's so hard. Why is it so hard and why am I not strong enough to just do this. Why haven't I done this months ago when everything started. Why did I even come to this site? Why did I make friends here?
    Why didnt'I just stay in chat to yack around and have fun without really getting close to anyone?

    I should have fucking known about this curse. I should have known everyone would get hurt. I should have known, after S. I should have fucking known.

    It hurts so badly but it's time to take some steps.

    :cry:

    don't bother to reply to this. I dunno .. I.. argh nevermind me. I'm just a sick piece of scumbag.
     
  2. MrDepressed

    MrDepressed Guest

    Regardless of how you feel about yourself, love is not a worthiness thing, love is a gift given, you dont have to be anyone special or great, you either recieve it or not..
    I am sorry that you feel that you effect everyone negatively, I hope that you are able to find the good that is in you.
     
  3. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    apparently I hurt people to keep a tight reign on them... That was a new one, hadn't heard that one before.

    So yeh, I'm a manipulative bitch, I manipulate everyone with my apologies, I pick people up and play with them as I feel, I fuck with people's minds, and apparently now I also do what I do to keep a tight reign on people... well well. How about if EVERYONE would say that, so that I can finally go.

    It's not my fucking mission to hurt people. It's not my fucking mission to fuck with anybody's mind. I wanted to help people and hate me as much as you want, I truly believe that I have helped people, maybe I've even saved some lifes along the line.
    But that doesnt matter. Don't get me wrong, I am glad I've been of any help to anyone, because I care about other human beings, especially my friends, or the ones that once were my friends.

    Yes I know I'm no angel, far from it, I know I'm a murderer, I know I'm a horrible person and that I hurt people. I dont know why, what, when, where though. Everytime I get close to someone they get hurt. The people that have been closest to me, from this site, have all been hurt by me. Eventhough I'd NEVER EVER want to hurt anyone, especially not my friends. I HATE hurting people. But yeh why am I even trying to explain this. I can't even explain it. I dont know why I behave the way I do, I dont'know why I say the things I do. It's like lately I haven't been myself. People who used to know me, like say last summer.. and see me now, they'll know what I mean.
    I dont know where I went wrong. I don't know what happened, I wish I knew, because then I could change it.

    Yes I refuse to get help but that's for reasons. Yes I want to stop this hurting i'm doing to other people. So yeh, ya know what. No worries. I'll change. Some people might see that from this morning on I suddenly never appear online in your MSN, Skype and Googletalk anymore. Don't be afraid I'm still here. I'll keep posting on here every now and then, so you can see theres nothing to worry about. I'm alive. I thought I'd be dead by sunday afternoon, guess I was wrong. Now I'll have to live with the consequences of all the lies and the way I've hurt people.

    I'm not coming up with excuses. All I can do is explain it one last time:

    A few months back my behaviour changed, for the negative. I'm not sure how that happened. Perhaps because of my out of control hash and alcohol abuse. I dont know. Some may have noticed another change of behaviour a bit more than a week ago, how I became aggressive and even more hurtfull. I've done some really really nasty things the past week.
    Well THAT change of behaviour was consciously. I had everything planned and "knew" I'd be dead by sunday. I knew how certain people would be hurt by my dead, which is why I became a bitch to them. I wanted them to hate me rather then still love me when I died. Seemed like I did pretty well because the 2 people whom I needed to hate me most, seemed to hate me after one night in particular.
    I had everything worked out, except that I didnt figure I'd live. I honestly thought I'd be dead by sunday. I'm still devastated that it didn't work, but here I am, alive. Facing the consequences of my actions.

    I'm not even going to apologize anymore, because nobody hears or believes my sorry's and apologies anymore anyway.

    So yeah, I've come clean. There ya go, all explained. Do with it what you like. I blocked and then deleted the most important persons off my MSN, GoogleTalk and Skype, so I won't be able to contact them anymore, so I won't be able to hurt them anymore or as other people say I won't be able to fuck with their minds anymore, I won't be able to manipulate them anymore, I won't be able to pick them up and play with them as I feel anymore, I won't be albe to put a tight reign on them.

    I will live my life, as long as I got left and be the smiley Didorian Ester y'all used to know. I'll change back into the Ester I used to be, with one change: I won't make any close friends on here anymore.
     
  4. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Like i said, add me back on all off them and i WILL talk to you later. Me and you need to talk. Cos your not understanding a few things.
     
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