Why?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by LetItGo, Apr 13, 2007.

  1. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Why do I have this life sentence?

    What is about me thats so very wrong?

    I guess its just not meant to be.

    I honestly thought something wonderful could develop...but I was deluding myself as usual.

    Every attempt I make to get close to someone ends in failure, youve all seen me fuck up time and time again before your very eyes. What is about me that turns people away?

    Do I have a face only a mother could love?
    Is it because im a fat, lazy bastard, thats achieved fuck all in his life?
    Is it because im not always the life of the party?
    Is it because I like to dirty talk at times and flirt? Its just a bit of fun isnt it?
    Is it because I have no future?
    Is it because I have no money?
    Is it because im not the most creative spirit around?
    Is it because im boring you?
    Is it because I despise myself so very much? Doesnt everyone?

    When will I ever accept nobody would ever want to be with me...

    I just need to accept that, and look forward to a life without love.

    OR

    I just need to accept that, and take my own life.

    Difficult decision isnt it?

    A life without love

    OR

    A life where I could enjoy most things, except the most important thing of all

    Ive heard people say so many positive things about me on this forum, but its all fucking lies...Why do you say that??? Are you trying to make me think theres hope, when there is no hope...all to save my prescious, pathetic little life.

    All I want is love...but it seems Im condemned to live a life without it.

    The more I think about it, the more I realise, that the price for life is too costly to bare.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 13, 2007
  2. Vitreledonellidae

    Vitreledonellidae Well-Known Member

    sure matt, we are a bunch of liars, who dont care about you. Why should we lie? your life isnt a joke. We tell you our real thoughts about you. At least i do. And there is hope, I have to agree your life is a bit pathetic now, but that doesnt mean that it will always be like this. I'm sure it will get better in a few years, maybe faster, maybe later, but it will. And...
    - You dont have a face only a mother could love. I think you look good. Really wouldnt turn people away from you?
    - You're not fat, so yeah you're a bit lazy. But why would that turn people away from you?
    In my opinion achievements mean nothing, nothing is wrong, but not much, what means is that you do the things you like, you treat people good, just try to make your life enjoyeble and others.
    - Who's life is always the life of the party? No ones
    - Maybe you should watch out with the dirty talking, not everyone enjoys that in the beginning.
    - You have a future
    - You will get money
    - Everyone is creative in his own way. And there is always someone who has a more creative spirit than you.
    - You're not boring
    - Everyone does, but some people do it too much or about things without a reason. You are one of them. You're not a bad person matt. Try to look only at the positive things and there are positive things, believe me, i've seen them a lot.
    I hope you will accept everything about yourself more one day, you're an amazing person :hug:
     
  3. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    matt
    since i am at a loss for words right now as to what to say to you i want to say i love you dearly and thank you for taking the time to get on skype with me last night..even if it doesnt help in the future it helped me at that moment. When i get home tonight ill post more. love u dearly matt.

    :hug:
     
  4. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I couldn't agree more with Julie, Matt.

    being in a relationship is not the most important thing in life, Matt. Yes I agree it can be very nice and uplifting, but friendships are way more important. At least in my opinion.

    Please, Matt, hang in there, as things WILL get better, even if you can't really see that right now.
    :hug: :arms: :hug:
     
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    love is fucking over-rated Matt, give me mates anyday!!!
     
  6. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Is it because im not funny enough?
    Is it because im a bit of a nerd?
    Is it because im not sensitive enough?
    Is it because im too sensitive?

    ...im at a loss, for my own sanity I should give up on the idea, but for my own sanity I NEED to have that aspect in my life.

    Im so very tired of living in my own head.

    Of having no purpose, devoid of any real reason to fucking wake up in the morning.

    I cant wait for miracles, I can live in hope forever...its not enough.

    My emotional strength, my mental strength... two things ive relied on so heavily throughout my life to get me to the next day....are rapidly dying, and I mean that very sincerely, Ive simply exhausted my ability to cope with being alone in this world.

    Some of you are aware that when I first came to this site, I set a date of finding "something" before my next birthday...or taking my own life. Many have said its ridiculous to have such a target, well you know what? I know its absurd, but it really is my only option. You cannot ask me to keep living this life without the one thing that really matters, and if im totally honest, I havent got a chance in hell of making it till then either, 5 months? forget it...

    Im depressed beyond fucking words, I think about dying constantly, and when im not thinking about dying, im thinking about "her" and "her", and knowing it will never happen makes me want to die even more.

    Im emotionally drained, emotionally vanquished....right now I wanna fuck cry again, but whats the point? I could cry an ocean and it wouldnt make a bit of differance.

    Is there a saviour out there? is there a light at the end of this increasingly narrow, and dark tunnel? Is there a woman on this earth thats prepared to give me a chance? Is there a woman on this site even remotely interested?

    ":blub:" Id give anything...
     
  7. Matt, I'll tell you something of what I just experienced, and that is confusion. Well, I haven't been able to talk with you, since I haven't seen you on msn recently, though what I will say, is that the situation is odd, and I'm back to where I was toward the end with Cynthia, which was alot of confusion, feeling like something isn't right. Weird, off the topic comments, bizarre questions, etc, it all ends up the same, with someone getting hurt. Love itself, I'm doubting with this world. I really think it's not going to happen for me (again), as I seem to find weird situations all around, yet the only woman I've strongly felt connections with, since Cynthia, I have been afraid to say anything to in terms of my feelings for her, because she so strongly wants to die. All I can do, is to respect her decision and love her silently. I know how difficult love is, Matt, and I know you want to be in love with someone. Don't give up until you absolutely can't try anymore.
     
  8. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Matt, this is going to sound trite and it isn't meant to. Finding meaning in life is feeling you matter and are making a difference.
    Making a difference can be so many things, some huge (Mother Theresa) some small (helping someone across the road).
    Can I suggest you find your nearest homeless shelter and offer your services?
    I used to do soup runs and Christmas dinners for the homeless. I met some amazing people on the runs, heard some dreadfully sad stories and some really uplifting ones; but best of all I felt I made a difference. These are people on the floor, giving them a helping hand was a privelege and an honour.
    Give it a go hun.
     
  9. Panther

    Panther Well-Known Member

    I agree with that post about the homeless runs, also I've never been in a relationship yet but that doesn't mean it makes you worthless. But at the same time it sure as hell ain't easy when something or someone you really hope for doesn't work out. I'm not sure how old you are, but these things get a bit easier with time. Anyways, I wish you the best in finding a relationship.
     
  10. Vitreledonellidae

    Vitreledonellidae Well-Known Member

    Bullshit. You're funny. Absolutely nothing wrong with being a nerd, but you're not a nerd. You're not too sensitive or something, you're just fine.

    So what do you think of this?? I should take my own life because I will never be what I want to be. Because now thats the only thing that matters to me.
    Its bullshit, if you get what you want, that doesnt mean everything will get better. I have to agree with terry. I really think you should do it. Try everything you can. Please just try it, I think it will help you.