Why?

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Ashes, Jul 15, 2007.

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  1. Ashes

    Ashes Member

    Relapse.

    I joined this site today. Read a couple threads. Made a couple posts. And the more i read about cutting, and thought about how i was "over" it, how i was proud i quit, and talked aboutit in the past tense. Read about it. I missed it.

    I was resisting for a really long time. Months. See, i was never an every day, deep cutter. Not a "serious" cutter.

    I was feeling depressed for a very long time. And I thought it would never go away. I missed it. I missed how it felt. I missed the clear, focused, content way my mind is right now.

    But not really. Cause its not enough. Not even close. cause i got caught before, so i tried to hide it. tried doing it on my toe, between my fingers. just a little. but it didnt work. so i came back to my favorite place. my ankle.

    the room smells like blood.

    I'm not sure why im telling my most private thoughts to strangers. but after reading, it feels like i know you, and you understand me more than most people.

    The guilt and regret is already taking away the cutting high. So my only problem now..how am i going to hide it, and how am i going to do it again, without getting caught.
     
  2. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    You don't have to keep doing it, it is a choice, you can make another choice.

    Don't beat yourself up for relapsing, it is normal to relapse. Sometimes we fall down a lot, but all that matters is that you get back up and try again.

    Try to figure out what is triggering the impulse and work through that, it is okay to cut, it is not okay to not figure out why you are cutting in the first place.

    Do you have someone you can talk to about this?

    take care of yourself, you are worth it.

    Stay safe.
    :smile:
     
  3. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    the room smells like blood? oh dear, please get some help
     
  4. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Hey there, how are you feeling now? I'm sorry you have relapsed, I have been and I am where you are right now and I understand your feelings.

    If you have a history of self harm relapses can happen, they can make you feel guilty, weak, like there's no point, ashamed, you've let yourself (and maybe others) down. From your post, I get the impression you went without self harm for a loooong time, how long did you not cut for? I sense it's been quite a while as you mentioned 'months', well done with that. You've done it once and you can do it again. :)

    Do you have anyone such as friends/family you can talk to? When you had the urges to self harm in the past, what did you do to stop yourself cutting? Is there any particular thing that triggers you into wanting to self harm? If you can pinpoint beforehand certain events that make you self harm you can 'plan' what to do in the future to make things better for you. For example, if you (get urges to) self harm while you're under pressure, maybe learn some breathing exercises or carry around one of those stress balls, never tried them myself but worth a go I guess! If you get triggered by another life factor, have you considered counseling? Actually, if you find yourself really struggling with self harm now counseling is a route you could consider.


    I hope you're feeling a bit better today, and take care of yourself. :hug:
     
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