Why?????????

[White Dove]

Why is it that when you really miss someone and really need them they are never around or are gone out of your life?

Why am i hurting so much emotionally right now...

I know i did wrong... I know i trusted when i should have known better...

well im going out tonight.. gonna do what i should have done a long time ago....

cant take it anymore...

cant take it at all...

i am emotionally hurt and so numb... Cant think straight but tonight is a great oppertunity to go out yet here i am typing on this computer online here but after this post i will go out and do what i should have done a long time ago...

it is for the best.. it it what needs to be done.. everything else has been taking care of....

Should i do it?????

got to end it .. got to end this pain.. its not like anyone would care if i just disappear from here and i cant even chat with ec anymore... he was what was keeping me to come back online here , he was hkeeping me alive..

i have let go of the daltons.. I think why i held on to them so much was everytime i would send David a B-day gift for him in a way i was keeping my mom still alive and with me by doing that... Well i have let them both go now.. i am going to go now ...

Going to actually go for real... its not like anyone would believe me or that i can do it.. and it doesnt really matter now...

yep thats the reason why....

Got nothing left anymore... no reason to hold on anymore.,... why should i?

its all gone ... all gone now... i have let them go.. my heart has let them all go and its time to let my spirit go as well

 

[Robin]

I c an't say I understood your post but just wanted you to know that I am here and listening.

 

[gentlelady]

White Dove don't let go. It isn't time. You have had so many ups and downs lately I know it has been extremely hard for you. Sometimes it is hard to find a reason or a purpose to continue on, but it is there if you look hard enough. You are the only one that understands your pain, but others can relate to it. Please know i don't want to see you harm yourself. I am here if you need to talk. :hug:

 

[Esmeralda]

Susan, I really care about you. I care about what happens to you and your soul. Please stay. I am here for you.

 

[White Dove]

I c an't say I understood your post but just wanted you to know that I am here and listening.

:hug:

Guess what i wrote last night was kind of hard to understand.. Sorry about that... just letting some things out

 

[White Dove]

White Dove don't let go. It isn't time. You have had so many ups and downs lately I know it has been extremely hard for you. Sometimes it is hard to find a reason or a purpose to continue on, but it is there if you look hard enough. You are the only one that understands your pain, but others can relate to it. Please know i don't want to see you harm yourself. I am here if you need to talk. :hug:

thanks gentlelady :hug:

It is just so hard not to , you know what i mean???

and having cancer doesnt help matters , it just makes it worser for me..

 

[White Dove]

Susan, I really care about you. I care about what happens to you and your soul. Please stay. I am here for you.

peanut i know you are and i am not really saying that you are not here for me , but rather no one close by is here for me..

sometimes i need a shoulder to cry on , a hug and theres no one there.. selfish , i guess i am just selfish , i dont know.. i dont really know anything anymore...

i am just hurting so much.. so much right now..

and every day it gets harder to go on.. every day the cancer pain gets harder and harder.. i know i can get pain meds and i know i can accept the hospice but i dont want it.. i dont want this cancer.. i dont want to accept it.. i want to just close my eyes and let it all go away but it wont..

and having had love and a high respect for someone hurts when you learn they didnt feel the same way toward you.. it hurts knowing that i let my niece hurt them.. that because of me letting her use my computer it hurt them.. it caused them to hate me and they blamed me.. why would they not blame me , i mean it came from my computer...

i cant ease my soul on it... i have tried all i can do yet its not good enough.. im not good enough for them , im not good enough for heaven.. im just not good at all...

And what good would it do if they called.. they would only call because they heard or seen what i wrote online and then it would only be because of that and not because they really care or love me... yea sure they could call and say susan everything alright then just totally disappear out of my life again , just never call again, i dont need that..

i need a friend..

i need a spiritual friends to help me through my last days..

guess i cant get that , dont really deserve it cause i am really nothing.. i am really just useless.. just another useless stupid , hurting soul that will never be made free.

they were like parents to me.. really truly like parents.. but ive lost them.. ive lost everything..

guess i am just hurting right now so much from the cancer pain and emotional pain that i dont even think what im writting is even understood anymore.. but i got to end it soon.. i just have too..

 

[Esmeralda]

I know the rejection hurts, Susan. Have you contacted the Med Center here? If you can get here, I will make you a promise that I will be here for you, to hug you and to help you...and bring you crosswords and magazines in the hospital I will be here for you :hug:

 

[White Dove]

I know the rejection hurts, Susan. Have you contacted the Med Center here? If you can get here, I will make you a promise that I will be here for you, to hug you and to help you...and bring you crosswords and magazines in the hospital I will be here for you :hug:

no not yet.. i know i should..

heck i even missed my doc appointment the other day.. really need to call betty back and have her make me another one..

i guess i am still in denial , just dont want it.. just really dont want it.. i know i have to finally accept it but just dont know how... want to just close my eyes go to sleep and then wake up a new person , healthy , free spirit, no troubles , no pain.. i know its not gonna happen but God do i ever wish it would..

Why did God give this to me?

Why did he allow me to have it?

what purpose is it doing? its only going to make me sicker, how can i help bring his people back to him? how can i help anyone when i am so much in pain myself? i am not that strong for him, he knows that so why is he doing this?

is making me physically sick going to help someone go to him? i just dont see how it ever could?

understanding i just need some understanding in all this... like what is his purpose and why do i have to suffer? what did i do to get the pain?

 

[Esmeralda]

I know it's hard to understand Susan, but you MUST contact the Med Center! The sooner you get treatment, the easier it will be. They have all kinds of experimental drugs here, and who knows what could happen? Every day counts Susan. Please.