Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by cayzira, Jun 25, 2008.

  1. cayzira

    cayzira Well-Known Member

    First Michelle, and now Susan too? I know where this ends. DOn't wanna let it go that way. Need to talk to camhs, but can tell them anyway. Can't think proaperly, not sure what'll happen if she gets any worse. I think she was on tyhe egde of doing it last night, but then I colden't talk to her proaperly cos the staff wanted her off the phone. So I jsut had my fucking resperidone and got fucked up by it again, and again earllier. I have to see nick later, I need to be ok by then.
  2. cayzira

    cayzira Well-Known Member

    It's my own fault, it always is. I shoulden't have cared. Whenever I let people in I always get hurt. When I never used to care about or trust people, I was lonley, but at least It didn't hurt as much. If she dies, I know where I'll end up. So why carry on with all this, it hurts like hell anyway. I don't wanna do it, because it would hurt her, but maybe if I broke up with her first, then it woulden't hurt so bad.

    Except I don't want to hurt her at all, and I don't want to die. At least I shouldent, but I do. I love her, and I want to be here for her... but I can't carry on seeing her like this. Hell I had my own problems before any of this started, and they got me fucking hospitilized, nothings change since then, except I have more stuff to deal with. I love her, and that's all the reason I need to try and hold myself together... but I'm trying like hell, and I can't.

    I think I need to ask camhs to put me back on fluxitine. I was suppost to see them tomorrow, at least I though I was, but when I phoned them to check the time, they said it was last thursday, and I've mised it. I don't know when I get another one. I think I'm gonna start what I've got left, and risk a comedown if they won't give me more. Why not? I already restarted the resperidone.

    I love her, but I need to sort out my own crap aswell, otherwise I'm just gona become a burdon to someone who already has enouth burdons.