why???

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by jpfendler, Dec 3, 2008.

  1. jpfendler

    jpfendler Member

    Hi, I'm new hear and i have just been looking around the site. When i came across this forumm, i thought it might be a good place to wite down my thoughts about my dad. He died when i was only 1-2 years old. My mom told me about him when i was about10-11 years old. shetold me that he committed suicide and aparently suffered from depression. my mom said that he loved me and my sister alot. she said that i was the apple of his eye. she told me that i looked just like him, which meant a great deal to me because i was always told that i came from the gutter and i believed that because i didn'i look like my mom, or sister or whom i thought was my dad but he was just a step. and i didn't look like my brother whom has same mom different dad, at the time i thought who was my dad to. so i believed it when they said i came from the gutter. i also believed that the person who i called dad was my dad, i was convinced because he always told me that i was his little girl and he showed me how i was his little girl. he also convinced me that no one eles could love me more then him, i believed that to because my mom told me that if it wasn't for my dad she would have aborted me. anyways that day i learned of my real dad took a turn for the worse. i hated the person i had called dad i hated my mom i then started to run away i tried to commit suicde which at that time i didn't even know what suicide was, but whatever it was my dad did it and i wanted to do it to so i could be with him.i began having this great need to be with him, i also became very angry at him because he left me. then i would wonder if he knew what kind of life i was living would he have killed himsel? i could go on forever but i won't,
    just one thing, is it normal to miss someone that you don't remember? and is it normal to be angry at him, and what about wanting him so bad that i'm willing to take my own life? i need him, i need him to tell me everything is going to be okay, i need him to tell me he loves me, and i need him to tell me why he left me to grow up in a world of lonliness, and a world of lies. if he was here i probably would have know what it was like to have a childhood, instead i grew up learning to hate, not to trust, to be scared of everyone who came close to me, instead i learned that suicide was a better option then to go on living, and instead i learned that i was damaged goods so nobody would ever want to love me. so here i am 44 yrs old and never been loved.
     
  2. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    I am very sorry Jpfendler to hear that your dad left you this way. infact i would like everyone considering suicide to think of the effects the lefts ones are left to suffer.
    Please don't fall into the trap of thinking that because he did this to himself, it had anything to do with you, especially considering that you were that young. You are not alone. stand with us.