Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lostconfused87, Jan 1, 2009.

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  1. Hello, i am new here so i guees ill just write down what im feeling now...and maybe feel better.

    I was talkin to a good friend earlier, pretty much my only friend. Her birday is coming up, she will be 21. I talked about goin to it, but she said she dont know, her friend says i look like a murderer so she says i shouldent go for the sake of others. Now my friend knows me, she knows im a nice guy, am sensitive at heart, and have no desire to harm anyone. But right now i just feel like a complete peice of shit, sittin here crying, wondering why i still put up with shit like this after years of it already. I just dont know what to think right now. I just moved back home from goin to school at a 4 yr university couse i was broke, now goin back to a community college in my 4th year of school, i dont have a job. My past still haunts me everyday, i cant do things that i like to do becouse the fear of being made fun of, no matter what it is. Rather it be riding my bike (bmx), playing my drums. I just have this psychological thing in my head preventing me from doing things. Thoughts of suicide happen regularly. I just dont know what the hell im doing with life, most of the time i dont even want to be alive. The shit ive gone through has made me stay inside alot...so yes, i am overweight. But like i said i cant leave the house without the fear of being talked down to. Right now im sitting in my bed, feeling like a pile of shit, not wanting to go on. Im trying not to cry to much as my mother is in the other room, shes in bad enuf shape as it is, she can barley walk, sometimes i dont think she has much time left. So i dont want to worry her, but im tired of hiding what i feel. Why cant i be accepted? Few people have taken the time to actually get to know me, rather they be someone from the popular people, or just someone like me. One thing that sticks in my head like crazy is one time i called a guy i used to hang out with, he was one of the few that got to know me, he was at a party. Shortly after he ansered he said he would call me back in a bit, then i heard some yelling...a few minutes later he called back and said i see why you dont go out, i asked why. He said that a couple girls were sittin there and asked who he was talking to, when he said me, they wre like why, he is fat, and weird. I have never even spoken to these girls before, but for some reason i have been labeld by them arleady. I really dont have anyone to talk to now, people i did know have moved on. Im sorry this is so long, but there is just so much shit i havent even got out yet. But ill stop now.
  2. MeAndYou

    MeAndYou Well-Known Member

    I know exactly how you feel. I'm view myself as repulsive because of the way people treat me and the things they say. I am just not attractive. An old friend from a long time ago actually just called me and i didnt answer because i hate putting myself in these situations. I feel like everyone is staring at me.

    Unfortunately first impressions are all MOST people are going to see of you or me or anyone else. Everyone you pass is getting a first impression from you, and that impression is mostly based on physical appearance.

    A good way to boost confidence is set a goal to work out. (whether youre out of shape or not). Start getting a routine down 3 times a week or something like that.

    I wish you the best man
  3. its good to know others feel like i do about people stareing at them. i just hate the feeling of going somewhere knowing your being stared at. im really not that big of a guy, im 5'11 255 pounds. I used to weigh 300 pounds though. But over the past few years i have lost the weight. But still....it feels like everyone is looking at me in disgust. Why must people make fun of and bully others, it does serious damage. I dont think i will ever be able to live without the fear of being judged on everything.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello LC,
    I know how you feel. I am 6'3", 317lbs. going bald, Lost all my upper teeth and I never smile because it was drilled into me all my life to not show emotions.
    I am what has been described as a gentle giant. I care for people, and come to there defense if someone is harming them. I have been an Isolationist for the last fifteen years. I stay locked up in my bedroom all the time.
    I go up to my brothers farm everynow and then. He always has people dropping by to see him or his wifes friends are always coming over. So I go into the bedroom and stay there until they leave. I just feel like people are talking about me, Or staring at me in judgement. My therapist has me stop and think about what I am saying then she tells me to quit fortune telling because most people are in there own little worlds and aren't even thinking about me.
    I know she is partially wrong because I have had people tell me that I intimidate others because of my size and because I never smile. Well I don't have anything to smile about. She will get a half smile out of me everynow and then . Then she will crack up laughing at me and ask now doesn't that make you feel better than mopeing around all the time.
    Anyhow I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone and welcome to the forum. If you need to talk you can PM me. I won't be around the next couple of weeks because I am going back in the hospital to have some meds changed. Take Care!!~Joseph~
  5. I've never seeked help for anything but it may be a good idea. I spend lots of time locked up in my room as well. If people come around, i hide. What is weird though, if im out with someone, say when i go ride bmx. It goes out of my mind that people are lookin at me to a point. Idk why. I dont dare go ride alone though. I dont like going places alone, unless i need to do somthing. Being locked up in my room has led to other things though, like basicly beind addicted to porn. Idk if my life will ever be right.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi lostconfused

    Welcome to sf, I'm glad you found us :hug:

    IMO you need to find new friends. True friends would not be treating you the way she has done. You don't deserve the lack of respect she is showing you.There are plenty of people out there that will accept you for who you are. Don't let this one girl drag you down. I'm always here if you need someone to talk to about this, don't give up hun :heart:

    Thinking of you,Lynn.
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey LC,
    There is nothing wrong with watching porn. You are young and curious. When I was younger I use to read magazines, never really watched that much porn. Every once in a while i would.
    It's good you know your limits that you don't need to be out alone. I go places because my therapist and I have been working on that for the last three years. Half the time I panic and have to rush home and retreat to my room. once I calm down I will go back to where I was triggered. She says it is important to always go back so you aren't letting the negative thoughts win.
    If you need to talk I am just a PM away. Starting next week I will be gone for a while because I am going back in to the hospital to get myself stabalized again. My new shrink has messed with my meds putting me on other meds that make me worst. He put me on one med that had me tripping for like three days. I quit taking it and called the hot line for ACT and he called me back later and I told him what was happening, he said quit taking it and I said no shit I already figured that out for myself. "JERK" I don't like him he asks you a question and when you try to answer he just cuts you off and talks about something else! Anyhow I'll be around for the next few days if you want to talk or vent!!!~Joseph~
  8. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel. I am very self conscious, especially about my weight, and i always feel people are judging me about weight, my decisions, my clothes, everything they can see or know.
    if you ever need to talk you can pm me, i don't judge and i can relate :hug:
  9. Thanks guys, i get a really positive vibe from the messages you left. Im doing much better today. Went riding but shortly after i started i snapped my chain. But i fixed it, and my old friend that used to ride, i put a bike together for him out of spare parts and we will probly go riding again later. I think what also helped me yesterday, was also trying to help other people. But its about time to eat dinner, so i hope you all have a good night, and if any of you need someone to talk to, im all ears. Thanks for your help in my time of need.
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