Hello, i am new here so i guees ill just write down what im feeling now...and maybe feel better. I was talkin to a good friend earlier, pretty much my only friend. Her birday is coming up, she will be 21. I talked about goin to it, but she said she dont know, her friend says i look like a murderer so she says i shouldent go for the sake of others. Now my friend knows me, she knows im a nice guy, am sensitive at heart, and have no desire to harm anyone. But right now i just feel like a complete peice of shit, sittin here crying, wondering why i still put up with shit like this after years of it already. I just dont know what to think right now. I just moved back home from goin to school at a 4 yr university couse i was broke, now goin back to a community college in my 4th year of school, i dont have a job. My past still haunts me everyday, i cant do things that i like to do becouse the fear of being made fun of, no matter what it is. Rather it be riding my bike (bmx), playing my drums. I just have this psychological thing in my head preventing me from doing things. Thoughts of suicide happen regularly. I just dont know what the hell im doing with life, most of the time i dont even want to be alive. The shit ive gone through has made me stay inside alot...so yes, i am overweight. But like i said i cant leave the house without the fear of being talked down to. Right now im sitting in my bed, feeling like a pile of shit, not wanting to go on. Im trying not to cry to much as my mother is in the other room, shes in bad enuf shape as it is, she can barley walk, sometimes i dont think she has much time left. So i dont want to worry her, but im tired of hiding what i feel. Why cant i be accepted? Few people have taken the time to actually get to know me, rather they be someone from the popular people, or just someone like me. One thing that sticks in my head like crazy is one time i called a guy i used to hang out with, he was one of the few that got to know me, he was at a party. Shortly after he ansered he said he would call me back in a bit, then i heard some yelling...a few minutes later he called back and said i see why you dont go out, i asked why. He said that a couple girls were sittin there and asked who he was talking to, when he said me, they wre like why, he is fat, and weird. I have never even spoken to these girls before, but for some reason i have been labeld by them arleady. I really dont have anyone to talk to now, people i did know have moved on. Im sorry this is so long, but there is just so much shit i havent even got out yet. But ill stop now.