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  1. xxicedragonxx

    xxicedragonxx Well-Known Member

    im too depressed to even write about it. i want to cut. i want to bleed. i dont want to be here anymore.

    i am nothing so that is what i shall become.
     
  2. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Hi there & welcome to SF,

    I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so low just now :hug:.

    We'd like to help you get through this if you'd like to tell us what's making you feel like this?

    Take care, Claire xx
     
  3. xxicedragonxx

    xxicedragonxx Well-Known Member

    well i havent eaten in three days and i havent slept in two. im convincing myself that im anorexic when i dont think i am. my ex that still lives with me hasnt come home in days and ditched me tonight when we had plans. i have been paying everything for her because she doesnt have a job and now i dont have enough money to make my rent in a week. my boss is mad at me for calling out today because i was in the freaking hospital. oh yeah and my girlfriend... is hanging out with one of my old friends that wont even talk to me now because of her. i have no fun by myself. i have no fun when i am out. i just got out of mental hospital like a month ago because i gashed my wrist open and i promised my gf not to do it again. but since she didnt even care to come home when i was in the hospital today.. i kinda think she wont really care.

    and if i dont do something i will do something worse. not eating was only good for a little. i need more.
     
  4. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Hiya,

    I don't think starving yourself & not eating is going to help. Like you said already, that's temporary.

    Do you think going back to the hospital would help you?

    As for your ex, it's nice that you want to help her, but you need to put yourself first here.

    I am going offline now but please if you are in crisis seek help. Call the hospital if you need to.

    I will be back online in a few hours so I'll check on you then.

    Take care of yourself & please stay safe, Claire xx
     
  5. xxicedragonxx

    xxicedragonxx Well-Known Member

    the hospital didnt do anything. they let me walk out with nine stiches in my wrist. all i did all day in there was smoke cigarettes.
    and im not starving myself... im not hungry. if i was starving myself i would be trying not to eat. (but i did lose ten pounds...woo hoo! bmi of 17!)

    really though.. me and this girl were married. it was a love at first sight thing for both of us. we have been through more than two people can think about having to go through.

    and it was all for nothing. all the hurt all the pain i went through to help her. help her through ednos, through suicides, through pregnancies, through miscarriages, family problems, running away.

    i just want someone to tell me its ok to go. then maybe ill snap out of it.
    i dunno. i just want to go to sleep and not wake up again. then its not my fault, its not anyones fault. well if i really do become unable to eat, then that is my perfect suicide.

    and if not... we always got the razors. in the only spot in the world that no one knows but her.

    then she will have to care or my body will be gone. if she doesnt come find me no one will... only she knows that i finish my life where it began. the day i married her.
     
  6. Celebrian025

    Celebrian025 Member

    It's okay to want to die, damn can i relate. My BF just left me yesterday morning, said he can't handle the fighting anymore. However I know deep inside it will get better. The eating thing is very dangerous though, when we're hungry our body tried to protect us by making things worse than they are. It's basically trying to trick you into eating.

    I honestly think that for many of us, we feel so badly about ourselves that we seek acceptance from those around us, the only problem with this is when they aren't willing or able to meet our needs we go back to feeling bad about ourselves, and to top it off now we're so bad (in our minds) that our loved ones don't even care.

    That old expression comes to mind "How can we expect others to love us when we can't even love ourselves"

    Hang in there in my friend, You aren't alone!!!!
     
  7. xxicedragonxx

    xxicedragonxx Well-Known Member

    yeah thats why i dont expect anyone to love me anymore. i havent been eating because im not hungry. i dunno. just add that to the list of problems.

    is it so bad that i like being depressed? just not this depressed. once i start thinking blood its not good.

    and the worst thing... i cant do shit to myself unless its final. im not going back to the hospital. never. no.
     
  8. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hi. i am SO sorry you are in so much pain. i have SO been, where you have been, where you are.
    here at s.f. . well. ..they saved my life. for one. and i have made real friends. ..
    and i am glad you are here. it is so positive that you reached out.
    if you want to talk - please pm me. .. i am in and out. due to personal circumstance..but i am at least here late every night.... many others also - will help you hun

    hugs. and pm. please, we can talk about everything. xx
     
  9. xxicedragonxx

    xxicedragonxx Well-Known Member

    thank you. im glad i found a site where i can actually talk about it and not be made fun of or eyes rolled at. i cant actually say i want to die and not get baker acted.

    it helps more than i thought, but my night is just starting.
     
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Icedragon,
    Welcome to the forum!!! It sounds to me that you are going thru the five stages of greif. The first being greiving, anger will be next, after that I don't remember because anger is all I needed when me and my ex split up..
    I won't go in to the details but just wanted you to know what your experienceing. You should probably seek out a therapist because they can teach you coping skills to be better able to deal with this. You will find plenty of support here and make some new friends..If you want to talk privately then PM any of us and we will reply as soon as we get it..Tke care!!!
     
  11. Celebrian025

    Celebrian025 Member

    Hey! You made it through the night, I'm so glad to see you're still with us! Kinda been a rough day for me today, but I'm hangin in there :unsure: I must admit seeing that you posted this morning, certainly brightened my day! Thank you!!
     
  12. xxicedragonxx

    xxicedragonxx Well-Known Member

    yes...
    im still here.
    and she made me brownies... mmmmm.....

    im in heaven right now actually...

    my girlfriend rocks... she is feeding me too!!!

    god im pathetic.
     
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