Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by carekitty, Oct 1, 2009.

  1. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    Why does my husband have to argue with everything I say. It doesn't matter what it is. If I said it was raining outside, he'd say no, it's only drizzling. If I say we need milk, no there's still a drop left. It doesn't matter what I say, he has to disagree, and prove that I'm wrong somehow. I hate it! He treats me like I'm so stupid I couldn't possibly know anything, like I'm crap under his feet or something. And I'm usually right, but heaven forbid he ever listens to anything I say. I'm so sick of arguing about everything, I feel like my head is going to explode. I hate the way it makes me feel, like I'm stupid or nothing. I use to at least like myself a little, now I hate myself. I hate myself for putting up with his crap, I hate myself for letting him totally demoralize me. I hate myself for being so angry all the time. I hate myself for hurting myself when he's the one I'm angry at. Okay, I just hate me. I just suck.
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I have a very difficult time when other people argue with me too. How long have you been married?

    Instead of hurting yourself, could you try writing, "I am so angry," over and over?

  3. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    I've been married 25 years. I come from an abusive household, so not a big surprise that I chose a man who has "issues".

    Sometimes I do write. Just sit down, and pour it all out. I have trouble sometimes saying how I really feel in "real life", I just let things go, and push all the anger down inside (and for some strange reason, I get stomach aches..... ; ) ) But, I have to admit that sometimes the anger gets bad enough that I act in self destructive ways. I want to get past that, but I'm having a hard time doing so. I keep promising myself I won't do it anymore, but then.......
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Have you thought about marriage councilling thats if he will go. If it gets too bad just leave go to a shelter for awhile maybe get some time away from him
  5. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    We went to two marriage counseling sessions years ago. The counselor told my husband that he was in the wrong, and this didn't set well with him. He'd always blamed me for all the problems in our marriage, and that wouldn't wash anymore, which made him mad.

    I have talked about getting a separation, but he's not really willing to let me go. A shelter would be hard, as I have severe health issues.

    Thanks for your responses. :smile:
  6. SuicideIsTheWrongOption

    SuicideIsTheWrongOption Well-Known Member

    He sounds like my dad :(

    I don't know why my mom puts up with him as much as she does, but i think she's just learned to either deal with it or ignore it. Me on the other hand im amazing at ignoring things.
    Sounds like some sort of superiority issue, if he feels he has to be right about everything.

    All i can say is good luck, because changing people like that is a very long and difficult process. My dad argues less, but now it really depends on his mood...and he's upset more often than he is normal.
  7. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Sounds awfully familiar! My husband is like that too - constantly disagreeing or opposing what I say, but in subtle little ways just like you describe - or if I give my opinion on something for example on tv he will always take an oppositional (but always reasonable oh so reasonable) view. It took me a while to work out what was going on, up until then I just walked around feeling unimportant and stupid and full of powerless resentment.

    When I realized what was making me feel that way I started picking him up on it - initially I got angry and that just made it all escalate into full blown arguments. Now I just tell him that the way he's talking to me makes me feel bad, unloved, as if I don't matter to him (taking issue with how WE are, rather than with what he's actually saying, because he really is completely unaware that how he speaks to me is damaging in any way and I mostly accept that it's not intentional, certainly not meant to hurt me, it's his set-up, his need to be all-knowing, always in the right).

    I think your situation must be much worse, as you've been to marriage guidance (though I'm a little surprised that a marriage guidance counsellor would come straight out and say one of you is 'in the wrong'). And as you're talking about separation it sounds like it's a straight choice between your self respect or your marriage. But why is it so difficult to leave? You say he won't let you go - is he abusive, is he likely to make things really bad for you if you did leave? And I suppose the really important question, do you really WANT to leave?
  8. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    I'm sorry that you have had to experience your parents going through this.

    Having met my husbands family, I can understand how he wound up this way. His family pretty much did to him, what he is doing to me. So, I guess it's learned behaviour. And you're right changing people when this is all they have known is very hard.
  9. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    Honestly, I don't know what I want to do. Sometimes it makes me so angry, and I get so hurt I just want to walk out at that moment. And then he seems to regret what he has done, and it seems right to stay. I do still love him, and want things to work out. I just really can't handle what he does, and it adds to my already feeling very depressed. He would fight my leaving, but not physically.

    I have to admit the counselor we went to was not very helpful. He spent a majority of the time talking about his own troubles, and didn't really help us.

    I'm sorry that you have been through this as well. It can get pretty frustrating. You've given me some good suggestions, thanks, it is sure appreciated. :hugtackles:
  10. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Yeah I get what you mean about it being really hard to handle what he does, especially if you're already feeling bad. But as you say you do still love him, that makes it even harder!

    Would it be possible to work out some way of defusing those subtle put downs? I've found that by pushing away my automatic resentful response (it's not bloody drizzling you moron it's raining can't you tell the difference type of thing) and knowing that whatever opposition I make is only going to make him even more oppositional, I can often just let it go - otherwise it turns into a big fight over who's right who's wrong.

    Ha ha, having said that, that sort of thing tends to work only if I'm feeling reasonably ok in the first place. I don't know. How have you managed so far? Do you have any 'tricks' or tecnhiques that help you deal with it?
  11. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    It sounds as if your husband needs to feel in total control of you and by constantly telling you that you are wrong, he whittles away at your self esteem. He needs to feel superior to you. What is your biggest fear about seperating? It may be just the thing he needs to know you are serious about the fact he needs to change the way he treats you. I stayed in a controlling marriage for 21 years. Finally I knew, that for my own well being, I had to get out. It was the most difficult thing I ever had to do. After 5 years, he is still trying to control me. Sad to say, sometimes he is successful. If I had to do it over again, I would get out sooner. I will not blame my ex for the state I am in, but I can definitely say he contributed to it a great deal. Out of curiosity, what happens if you agree with him when he contradicts you. I don't mean really truly agree, but just telling him that he is right? Sometimes they don't know what to do with it when you agree because they are looking for the typw of reaction they can feed off of.
  12. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    No, I haven't really found anything that helps, yet. I'm like you, and if I'm basically doing okay, there are times when it is actually kind of funny. But if I'm already upset, I just get really resentful, which of course doesn't help. I have talked to him about it over the last few days, and he did seem to care that he does it. But, I've no illusions that he will quit, I think it's too ingrained a habit for him. I'm going to try and remind myself when he does it, that it has nothing to do with me, it's his problem, but I don't know how well that will work. That and eat chocolate......... :smile:
  13. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    I've never tried agreeing with him, that would probably stop him in his tracks. I know he is doing this out of insecurity, so maybe it would completely stop the discussion if I agreed. I'm going to try it, and see what happens.

    We own our own business together, and if we split up, I would lose my only source of income. Because of health issues, it would be very difficult to find something else, and the business would not provide as much with only my husband to run it. That's a big drawback. And my son has a lot of health issues, and is having a hard time, and I worry about what changing everything drastically would do to him.

    I have told my husband that I can't be this stressed anymore, and I think he is finally starting to see I'm serious. I think he's too set in his ways to make any changes, but maybe if he's more aware, he can at least do it less.

    I know he's worried about my leaving. I have to take a business trip this week, and he timidly asked me if I was coming back. I guess he really is trying, but this is a life long habit, and I don't have much hope of a huge change.