Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by spidy, Nov 14, 2009.

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  1. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    What is happening to me why am i getting worse everyday why are the simplest of thngs setting me off.Why the hell when i go anywhere the first thing i grab is my razor knife.Why the hell have i cut my arm to bits.Why dose it feel everyone is against me.My world is just made up of suicide plan.This brave face ive been putting on in front of everyone is hard to do but have to as some ppls advice isnt really posative it just angers me more they just thnk its so simple as move on.Yep trying tht but everything just seem s to crash and burn everytime why the hell should i keep living like this so over it all i really need to get ho;d of ..... so i can complete what i seem to thnk about everyday and nght as those thghts just wont dissapear no matter what i do.Ive tryed keeping myself busy but nope implanted in my brain.Think im doomed if i cant help myself nobody can.
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    OK going to apologize right now cuz this is going to be long. But maybe that in itself may help just by giving you something to read (lol).

    Gav nobody here will deny what you are saying and feeling. I live those thoughts and feelings (lately) 24/7. I can be out in my yard, doing something so simple and I find myself thinking could this be a way to do it? I look at my children and think how much better off they would be without me and my gloom and doom scenarios interrupting their lives. I see those that hurt me over and over and think God to be dead and finished with all their grief. I wake up each morning and make a list of the people that I need to call about outstanding bills, money owed etc but yet everyday I dont call. I have nothing to offer. My health is deteriorating each day and yet I cant seem to do a damn thing about it. I think how much better it would be for those that do try to support me through this if I just followed through already and ended the boring same old same old crap for them. Everyday is more overwhelming than the next. And yes the happy mask, the everything is just peachy mask is quickly falling to pieces.

    The one thing I can offer is that it isnt you (or me). It's the depression. It gets in and starts to put the negative things in our minds and souls. It slowly turns even ourselves against us. It needs the negative feelings and thoughts to feed off of to grow stronger. How do you stop it? I truly dont know. I going to assume that you are in the same place as me and so many others. Tried the meds, the counselling, the pdocs the coping skills. And the more you try the more they seem to stop helping. You've been on this "road" for a long time and many of the ordinary "fixes" just dont work anymore. You're depression has been there so long, it's a part of who you are now. And you find yourself too tired to keep fighting it. It becomes just enough to live with it instead of wasting precious energy trying to fight it anymore.

    The only bit of advice I can offer (that seems to help keep me atleast struggling to stay alive) is you have to start thinking of you. Trying to find even a short time each day to just let you be you. Not the caretaker of the world around you. I try after everyone else has gone off to bed, to just sit, pour myself a drink (that's me you find what ever helps you to sit still for a minute) and listen to a favorite radio station or CD. Dont know about you but I'm a doer. If I'm not physically doing something that needs to be done, then my mind is going a mile a minute trying to solve problems. I find it almost impossible to "sit" and do nothing. Yes it is hard to do but you can force yourself. If that isnt doing it for me, then I come here and post to try and help others. Or just read threads and posts that seem like they might be similar to my own problems. And yes my last ditch effort is the arcade (I've got to win 1 damn mahjong tournament lol).

    Gav you have to make the effort to make yourself as important as those you strive for everyday in your life. You need to take a serious look at what their future without you in it would look like. Really see the truth and not the truth depression is making you see. It really is a self help journey at this point. All the support and advice of others is great and does help to a degree. But now you are at the point where YOU need to join in the fight to help keep you safe.

    Reading this, it sounds like a lot of rambling about nothing. Already the depression is saying sure sounds great but not really do-able. But during those few seconds every now and then that the depression isnt all powerful, I find myself able to heed my own words. I hope you can too. Drop me a pm anytime. Sometimes even venting to a person that really understands where you are can be a moment of sanity, a glimpse at how you want things to be and helps you to struggle towards those things. It isnt going to be easy. It is still going to be a struggle. But hopefully one day all this struggling with be for something so much better. But you have to keep trying to atleast see forward if not actually physically move forward. It's all baby steps. But you have to learn to walk before you can run right? Please keep hanging in there and trying.
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Honestly, I can't add much to what Itmahanh has said; she said it very well.
    I just wanted you to know that I care, and that you don't have to put on a brave face here. :hug:
  4. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Thnx guys um yeah needed to post as one way keeps me from going off doing dumb things sf has been a second home.I realise its my depression trying to rule me but find it real hard to beat.I copped of the mental health ppl i need to take good look at myself as my kids will follow which i dont want.I try to hide my depression from my kids i wear jumpers when its hot so they dont see my cuts and yes have the thghts they be better off with new dad when she finds another bloke not watching me lose it.I do thnk of my kids alot but when im in suicidle state i dont think of anyone or anything as im impulsive and just act.I just dont want them seeing there dad as a big fcking useless piece of sht.Ive been trying to help myself but given up as i said its the littlest thngs tht set me off now stupid i know.I cant see a future nothing there i try posative thnking but it dont happen wish it would.I do listen to alot of music just makes me zone out still thinking crap thghts i do have plenty of my time and still crappy thnking
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Nobody will EVER replace you in your kids' life. You just have to remember that. You're human, and nobody is perfect. But you're doing the best you can.

    Keep fighting, and keep posting here. Even if it's just to vent, just to give yourself something to do to take your mind off things. There's always someone listening.
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