Why?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Almost_There, Feb 20, 2010.

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  1. Almost_There

    Almost_There Active Member

    First post here, I find it helps me for only a little bit. This is the second forum I have tried anyway. I find it funny in a way, how i am trying to delay this, but at the end of the day when I look into my barrel or down the tube that will end my life I feel no fear, no regret, but yet I am still alive.

    In any case, I have my date at hand, and I am merely ignored at the other site. Maybe its me, maybe its how I was shaped in this world.

    I live with roomates for now, about to be homeless due to bills I am having trouble paying. No family, no real friends at all..Single..dont want to get close to feel love again. It will only hurt more and more, but with the end so close it means little I guess..

    I dont know what to say...Why ask for help when I deserve nothing? And nothing is the way..
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You do deserve help. :hug: You won't be ignored here. I hope you come back to talk to us!
     
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    you are the only one who knows the date you have set so it's ok to keep putting it off...each day is new and maybe more hopeful..
    why do you say you don't deserve help?..
    we want to help you..please keep talking..
     
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I think you should write down your thoughts for a few days and then go to the hospital and ask to speak to someone in mental health.. When you tell them you are going as far as holding a gun to your head they should admit you and get you started on meds..Your life is worth much more.. Please don't harm yourself..You may not have fit in with the other forum but here the members are very supportive.. Take care!!!
     
  5. Almost_There

    Almost_There Active Member

    I have been in this for a while,

    I dont think I deserve help for this because of my life. With so much evidence to the contrary. Like I am destined for it..

    I once went to a hospital after my best friend commited suicide with me in the room, it helped nothing..and I just wanted to die more at the end of it
     
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    this is even worse than when you went to hospital last time....you're thinking of ending your life and you need and deserve help.....
    please hold on....get help...
    sounds like a part of you still wants to live...
    talk here..anything to not harm yourself....
     
  7. Almost_There

    Almost_There Active Member

    It all comes to my will.

    I have none to live anymore, no family, no friends. Nothing to really live for and no one can give me that besides me. It wasnt horrible when I was with my ex girlfriend years ago. But after that lie wrapped in a bow, it all went downhill again. Just been bidding time, to see if anything changes, it doesnt.

    As a whole, people will continue; it is just as well
     
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    you're right it won't change until you get help..you can't do this alone..that's why you're talking to us on here....part of you wants help .....
    call a crisis line...a doctor..get to the hospital.....can you talk to your roommates?
    anything that will help you please do it now...
    your life is worth saving....
     
  9. Almost_There

    Almost_There Active Member

    My roomates are trying their hardest to throw me out, no family to go to near me and I can not make the trip to them if I or they wanted me to, which they dont.

    Just feel like this is the last time, Ive tried before, as hard as I can, and it hasnt gotten better..Just soon it wont matter,
     
  10. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Please don't think for one minute that you don't matter...I am sorry you were ignored on the other site...that happened to me too but I found this place the next night and it has made all the difference in the world..

    Are all your problems boiling down to financial issues would you say? This economy is really hurting us all and we all have some notion of what you are going through, we really do.

    I care and would love to hear more about what is going on with you? I am listening. I know it seems crazy but we share a similar struggle in life and so I want to help..

    Hugs Bambi
     
  11. Almost_There

    Almost_There Active Member

    My problems are not really money wise, it has something to do with it, but I have "lived" in my car before for some time.

    I just dont need to live anymore, nothing left as my life lost meaning. Everything I love dies, with no love in this existence? Why live, I am alone all the time in my mind and in my eyes. No one really knows me, they wont even know I am dead, I wonder if I will..Everyone either hurts or leaves me, every. single.time.

    I just cant stand the hope anymore, and the regret I tried again when it fails.
     
  12. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I just wanted you to know you are not alone and you are being heard. I care about what you are going through. I care because I too struggle, maybe not the exact same way as you but close enough so that I can relate to what you are going through. Please talk some more...get out anything that you would like, knowing you will not be judged nor will you be ostracized. We are here for you, I am here for you...if you would like to talk I am here for you..

    Bambi
     
  13. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm so pleased you are still here talking....I also care what happens to you....
    we are listening so I hope you will keep posting...
     
  14. Almost_There

    Almost_There Active Member

    Tired..

    I dont really know what to say now. The drip of the drugs into my body is all I care about right now. Such a hard couple of days, weeks, years, lifes..How will be the rest of this night? All I can see is red as my it drips, replaced by the darkness. I smile at the people as they are shown, even when I know what they have done to me, and this world.

    That is fine, they can rape and beat me..as long as they are happy..Use me for the last time tonight, for it wont happen again. Force me to do those things to you, for what you deem as "love"..

    You cant love something so broken, so destroyed and so hollow..
     
  15. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I think you can love something that's broken, destroyed and hollow......love doesn't always see these things and love is very forgiving...
    I can hear so much pain....
    I hope you keep posting...
     
  16. Almost_There

    Almost_There Active Member

    As I look into the barrel of defeat I can only say thank you for being there when so many have past me by..I dont know if I can live anymore with my own sins and the sins of others bearing down upon me. Thank you..for attempting at the lost cause, but it may be time after all
     
  17. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I really hope you change your mind about it being time..try not to dwell on the 'sins' and focus on now..this minute..just getting through this day...
    what have you done before that has kept you alive?...
     
  18. Almost_There

    Almost_There Active Member

    Nothing has helped me kept me alive..I feel like the time to play the end game has come, I would post in the crisis forum, but why? I dont deserve their breathe to waste on me, and I only certainly deserve the lead in my head as I can finally sigh for the last time
     
  19. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I want you to post in the crisis forum because you would see how many people care about you....
    your life is worth living so please get help....
     
  20. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    how you doing today?...
     
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