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Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kris.T, Mar 11, 2010.

  1. Kris.T

    Kris.T Well-Known Member

    Okay.. so it's thursday and my week has consisted of:

    Monday - crying myself to sleep. (1 hour sleep)
    Tuesday - crying myself to sleep (2 hours, then getting up for work and breaking down there)
    Wednesday - Feeling like shit, but had friends over so putting on a fake smile. (1 hour)
    Thursday - Gym session and a movie, in which I felt like shit. (2 hours, and am now awake)

    I've hardly had any sleep in the past 4 days. My minds racing. I have a thousand thoughts rushing through my head. A million problems with no solutions.

    Why is something effecting ME so much, but doesn't seem to be bothering her at all?

    Why do I sit here, with a fake smile on my face? Why do I go out with them, or sit around with them, while they laugh and joke while I'm dying on the inside.

    Why am I constantly lying to my parents about my feelings? I told my mom about my depression, and shes told me if I'm ever down, I can talk to her. I haven't yet since I told her. I walked 2 hours to her house, in tears, got here and said nothing.. turned around and walked home.

    Why do I continue to live, when it hurts so much to keep going? Every day is a struggle, and I don't know how or why I keep doing it.

    I really want to get a gun license, as it's seemingly the only option I'll be able to take.

    I miss her. I hurt her, when I didn't want to do it. She told me she had a bad night, why did I have to pile MY problems ontop of hers, when she said she didn't want to take it out on me.

    Why do I constantly screw up the only things that seem worth living for? Ending up in the same scenario as I'm facing now. The empty feeling is unbareable. I'm tired of being alone. I wish she would speak to me, it's been 1 day and I'm fucking miserable without her.

    Why? Why can't I stop feeling like this. Why can I not answer any of these questions.
  2. Beautiful Disaster

    Beautiful Disaster Forum Buddy SF Supporter

    hi Chris
    sorry to hear that you feel like this.
    I know its hard to talk to your parents. I always have a hard time telling them when i am feeling depressed because i know it will upset them. dunno if you feel that way too though

    But you can always talk to us
    We might be able to help you :hug:
  3. Kris.T

    Kris.T Well-Known Member

    It's strange. I walked up here that night, with every intention of talking to her about my problems. The closer I got, I kind of froze up. I cried the entire walk here, but as soon as I hit the end of her street, I stopped. I wiped my eyes, put on a smile. I guess I feel like a burden to her. She has enough problems, and doesn't need to be helping me deal with mine.

    Silly to think that way, I know.
  4. Beautiful Disaster

    Beautiful Disaster Forum Buddy SF Supporter

    its not silly, i understand it
    but it is important for you to talk to someone. I am so sure your mom wants to help you, therefor you need to take that step and talk to her
    of talk to someone else, a good friend, or a random stranger online.

    Just dont keep it all inside, that is never the answer.
  5. SuicideIsTheWrongOption

    SuicideIsTheWrongOption Well-Known Member

    Crying helps. The body releases chemicals to help ease pain. I can't cry, i've forgotten how.
    But it's not silly, for the longest time i refused to get help of any kind because i didn't wanna burden others or even let them know i had problems.
    But sometimes problems like these aren't ones you can solve without help. It's possible, but nearly impossible...for me anyways.
  6. Kris.T

    Kris.T Well-Known Member

    I wish I could make her understand I'm sorry and I don't want to see her sad. Her smile makes my day.

    I also can't believe someone who claimed to be a friend could talk to me like that, and say the things she said. Guess in times like this you find out who your true friends are.

    This empty feeling is eating away at my insides. :sad:
  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you're feeling so low....I hope you will go talk to your Mum and tell her how bad you feel and let her help you....your Mum said she is there for you so I hope you can open up to her....that's what Mums are for...
    if not maybe see your doctor and get some therapy.....I hope you find posting on here is a help to you...
  8. Kris.T

    Kris.T Well-Known Member

    Id love to be able to open up to my mum. Everytime I try, something inside me stops me from doing it.

    And its not like shes dumb, she knows when something is bothering me. But i usually just deny it, and push her away from me. =[
  9. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    how you doing today?
    I wish you didn't feel uncomfortable talking to your Mum...
    I'm sure she would do anything to help make you feel better but she can't help if you don't tell her how bad you're feeling....
    hope you will give it a try...