Why

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sooner65, Oct 26, 2010.

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  1. sooner65

    sooner65 New Member

    Thats all i want to know. Why should i stay? I lost my wife of 30 years 2 months ago very suddenly. One day she was here and the next day she was gone. We had been together since 15. Ive never been without her. Never. Every thought i had revolved around her. Thoses first few days were unimaginably painful. I had never been so sick in my life. Never thought that my life with her wouldnt last. Everybody told me it would just take time and all i could think was time for what. For me to die of natural causes? Cause thats all i think about is how long is this going to take. Ive done everything i had wanted to do here. I have great kids and wonderful freinds that check on me everyday. I know their just praying that i dont do it but they are all realistic. They all talk to me aboutreasons to hang in there but it all just comes across to me as being here for others while i live in agony for the rest of my life. And it is agony. It gets worse every day. Its like waking up each morning with a hole in my chest just a little bigger than the day before. Ive been tring to figure out a way to kill my self that would look natural so i wouldnt cause more pain than nesacery. I have alot of time to think and beleive me i have thought of every reason to hang around but nothing comes close to overiding the feeling i have to leave. So if any body can tell me why i should stay i would really like to hear it. I know my motives are really selfish but that is the least thing on my mind. Im no longer worried about getting to be with her i just want this pain to end no matter where i end up. I know time might ease it but im at the point that i cant stand it right now and the thought of it getting worse is just to much to bear. Please someone tell me why.
     
  2. ali 56

    ali 56 Well-Known Member

    Hi there, you should stay as the old saying goes who knows what is around the corner and you have a beautiful family so stay firmly focused on what is around you even in your darkest hours , this forum will also help you too.
    Take care regards ali
     
  3. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    One day your beautiful kids will have beautiful children themselves and who is going to tell them all about their wonderful Grandmother if you're not there to do it? Don't they deserve to know what a fantastic person she was? You had 30 years of marriage and had been together since you were 15 - don't you realise how rare that kind of love is? It's what most people dream of and your grandchildren deserve to hear all about that too. Stay strong, easier said than done I know, I'll be sending lots of positive vibes and keeping you in my thoughts.
     
  4. sooner65

    sooner65 New Member

    I know how rare it is. I thanked her every day for being in my life. I cant even begin to relate to people how devistating this loss is to me. I know everyone thinks that their situation is worse than everyone else but i know how true it is for me. I know il never have anything in my life like that and i think it will be worse for everyone to see me like this or eventually start avoiding me to not have to see it. out of sight out of mind.
     
  5. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I'm glad that you were so happy together. I'm glad that you got to tell her how much you appreciated her and I'm glad that you had 30 years of that. I can understand your devastation. To have that love suddenly and cruelly ripped away from you? Beyond horrific and beyond tragic. I'm so sorry for your loss. The pain must be unbearable.
    There isn't a pain killer for that sort of pain, there's no easy solution, no words which will suddenly make it all okay. The only thing you have is time and as the saying goes, time is a great healer.
    Don't allow your wifes death to become more tragic than it already is. She doesn't deserve that. Do you really want people to remember her because her husband couldn't live without her? Do you really want your children to go through all that devastation for you as well as for her? You don't have a choice here. You have to stay strong. You have to live through it and you have to put up with the pain. Your children will need you more than ever now (and I don't care what age they are) and your wife agreed to have your children on the understanding that you would look after them, even if she couldn't. You may not have put that into words when you had your kids but I bet you both thought it. Don't let her down now, you have to be strong.
     
  6. dav

    dav Active Member

    sooner, I guess I can sort of relate on a smaller scale. I've been in love and married to my wife for 18 years. I've taken care of her since we were teens, and losing her now is unbearable pain with every breath, it's overwhelming mind and body. Your wife loved you and I believe she still does. I bet you can still feel that love if you try. Maybe eventually you'll be able to feel the love more than the loss.

    I wish we had made it to 30 years.
     
  7. sooner65

    sooner65 New Member

    I am very thankful for the life we had together.It was long and wonderful. Thats what makes it eaisier to think that iv had all i was ever allowed and now i should get out of the way.
     
  8. dav

    dav Active Member

    I hear you. I offer you the idea that maybe death doesn't stop love from continuing. It could be that her smile is behind every event you're still around to experience.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 26, 2010
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