Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kiba, Feb 15, 2011.

  1. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I hate life

    my enitre life
    Im pushed aside
    all I want..
    right now
    Is to have a childhood
    at least
    in the LEAST

    That I can be a KID

    ppl know what its like to "grow up too fast" but
    you dont understand
    its not just that
    no one has a FUCKIN CLUE

    by age 6... I was a NUMB ROBOT
    avoiding MYSELF
    isolating MYSELF
    for WHAT?
    to hold my family together??
    AS A CHILD???

    taking care of my bros
    the day care
    my parents
    making sure they were OK
    and feeling like
    I was only a bother
    didnt ask for ANYTHING
    didnt tell ppl how I really FELT
    didnt PLAY
    my life spent
    over WORRY
    listening to my parents under their door
    talk about
    and my brother
    and how
    we were poor
    because I WORRIED
    and avoided MYSELF
    EVERYONE else...
    more important the ME

    All I want..
    Is 1 simple day
    to NOT WORRY
    to be a KID

    to be loved
    cared for
    and not have to be an adult
    all my fuckin life
    I see other kids...
    and it makes me want to cry
    I want to..
    be a kid..
    so bad...

    but I never can be

    and no one can really even TRY to understand
    all the SHIT
    my life has been!!

    Ive been depressed
    my entire fuckin life

    real kids dont have to worry about fuckin money
    or rent
    or food
    and SHIT

    I cant NOT worry
    Im always in worry

    All I want is
    something FUN
    I want to go play on the play set
    with other kids
    but Im not a kid
    and I cant
    And Im sorry I cant see the keyboard well...

    my mom
    had daycare
    its not the same
    your playing what THEY want to play
    I want to be a KID
    a REAL KID
    I feel like
    When Im with kids
    I have to act diffrent
    I want to act
    Like Im one of them
    but I cant

    they dont accept me as another kid
    they WONT
    because im NOT
  2. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    we love you here.
  3. DrkZ90

    DrkZ90 Well-Known Member

    you have no idea how much I can relate, specially to this part:

    my enitre life
    Im pushed aside
    all I want..
    right now
    Is to have a childhood
    at least
    in the LEAST

    That I can be a KID

    I guess it's something people can't understand unless they've felt it too... I would give it all for just one day like that... a day where I could say I have a best friend, hanging out nad having fun like I was supposed to years ago... but it's already too late...
  4. LipsOfDeceit

    LipsOfDeceit Well-Known Member

    Swifty! :hug: Just wanted to let you know that we love and care for you. Many hugs for you <3 :hug:
  5. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I have no good childhood memories..
    all I can remember..
    Is being beaten by neighbors..
    listening to my parents
    under their door
    being scared as hell
    making sure my bros were ok
    and how
    Id get lectured on grades
    all the times
    my bro went into the hospital
    and the fuckin stress
    and all that bottled up
    so tight
    beating myself
    for showing ANY emotion
    I was NEVER imortaint

    in 2005
    my bro passed
    and then
    I lost purpose
    began suicide attempts
    and then
    my parents gave me to the state
    gave me up
    What use am I???
    I do all this
    just to
    be GIVEN UP ON??

    I was NEVER important!
    My parents SAY they love me...
    But I don't feel like they do! :cry:

    What use am I???
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know words can't bring back your childhood, just want you to know I'm listening, and I'm here if you need anything.
  7. mulberrypie

    mulberrypie Well-Known Member

    i dont know why, swift. i wish i knew. there's nothing i can say to make your pain go away. just know that i hear you. its hard to understand why life throws all this at us. all i know is that youre an amazing person and all those hard times helped shape you into that. we love you x
  8. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    We care a lot for you here...and no, we cannot give you back your childhood, but we can make these days easier for you...hoping some day u come my way so I can give you these hugs in real life, big hugs Swifty, and know how much you are cared for...J
  9. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I've been crying off and on all day.. I cant sleep.. my mind wont quit... so much... my brother.. my childhood.. my aunt.. first pet.. and all the crap.. just tumbling into one.. My mind cant take this all.. And its so hard.. I'm finally opening up the huge bottle.. and when I talked to my therapist Monday it felt like my entire body was in complete agony.. I wanted to curl up in a ball.. hide in a corner.. And I couldn't stop crying.. I hardly cry.. Yet somehow.. this year its different.. :cry:


    Thanks John I really appreciate it.


    I'm sorry you have felt some of this too.. I wish we could have an adult kid party... just be kids with all the other adults who never got to be..


    Thank you dessy. You are always so kind and I appreciate it. Always listen to me. Thank you.


    Thanks for being here for me.


    Thanks for replying.. You are a good friend.


    Thank you.. I wish I could give you real hugs too.. :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 16, 2011
  10. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    It's OK that you're crying, it might be what you need right now to get some of that pain out. :arms:
  11. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Swift, Im so sorry that you feel this way, and I wish I was there to hold you and tell you that its okay to feel the way you do, its understanding that you feel this way after what youve been through.

    I dont have the words of why, I ask them myself so many times over and over again until it started to feel like I couldnt move past it, I couldnt think of anything else, and started thinking like them. Please dont let that happen to you, you deserve so much in life, YOU have overcome so much, YOU are still fighting for yourself to have a happy life, YOU are strong, YOU can do this.

    Are you still taking your meds, are they helping any, if not maybe its time for a trip back to the docs to try something else, I know it took me a couple times before I found the right one.

    Please know that your past doesnt have to decide your future, maybe a career around children would be good for you, ever thought of becoming a big brother to underproveldged kids, they want to have someone to play with and seeing a child smile will start to open up your eyes to how this world should be not how it can or use to be. I hope that makes since to you.

    I really understand what your saying about your childhood being gone, believe me!! I do, its hard to learn how to deal with feelings, with emotions, with any of this if you havent been taught, but the good thing is its not to late, you can teach yourself, being around kids, hearing them laugh, seeing them smile can teach you how to live and to let go of the little and even the big disappointsments in life and live for YOU.

    If you want to act like a kid then do it, maybe you can go to a park at dark and swing on swings, go to a amusement park and ride rollercoasters(althought the scare the shit out of me), fill up some water balloons and have fun, try those little things in life that you missed out on.

    Dont be so hard on yourself, understand what your going through, understand that its the disease thats making you feel this way, and it doesnt always have to be this way, you just have to find your niche to get over it, or to lessen the weight of it.

    Im here anytime you want to talk, and hope that you see that your worth the fight.
  12. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the reply doityourself.. I know I can get through. I'm actually not on medications anymore. I have done a ton of therapy and find all of them cause negative effects and aren't right for me. I'm actually better after 3 years of therapy work and medications. I don't need them anymore. When I first began therapy, one thing I learned is that medications aren't a cure. They are meant to help you deal with things enough so you can learn to cope on your own. I beat my depression really as far as I don't attempt suicide anymore and really don't think I ever will again.

    These things are for the first time coming out and they hurt.. I know. But now I have the skills to deal with them. And I know how to get the help I need. It's going to be hard, but I know I will make it.

    What I really want right now is to know people are here for me and care. And I think that I have realized just with having a hard time right now that there are SO many of you on SF that really do care about me.. And I really do appreciate it.

    I'm still struggling with the feelings I have, but I'm not going to give up. I may say I want to, but I know I can't. I've come too far to give up now.

    Also about children.. At this point, I cannot even handle seeing a child on the bus. As a child myself, I helped take care of other children. And I feel as though I can never equal a child. As tho I have always been a caregiver, an adult or overseer. So when I have tried in the past to care for kids with babysitting or helping out with daycare, I feel as though I have to do whatever that kid wants. And it's a lot different feeling, then if I felt like I was an equal to that kid.

    The feeling I want, is to feel like I don't have to worry about anything. Simply live. And also feel somewhat equal. I want the friendships I never had. To be able to play on a play structure and talk to other kids. Play pretend and be a swordsman with a stick (as a sword) running around the playground with my group of other swordsmen. Simple things like that.

    Anyway, Thank you all!
  13. AnnieOakley

    AnnieOakley Well-Known Member

  14. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Swift, I know exactly what you feel like, all of my childhood memories are bad, but to be honest I cant remember much before the age of 9, to much trauma.

    You will never be worry free, there will ALWAYS be something to worry about, thats just in our nature.

    Im happy to see your post, Im happy that you will never attempt to take your life again, thats a huge promise to yourself that I hope you keep, I have also made that promise to myself and there are times I have to remind myself every day but then there are times where days and even weeks pass by without thinking about it. Those are the days that I live by, those days remind me that Im alive, that my past is my past and Im working on my future. I want to grow old to see my kids get thier driver lisense to see them walk down the aisle to hold my grandbabies (hope for atleast one girl to dress up and play with her hair, play barbies, and house. lol)

    There is so much more that I want to do, and Im not going anywhere until those things are done, and hope that as time passes that my list grows.

    Now that being said, I also have my bad days, right now mine is coming out as anger, still working on how to control it and not lash out at little things in life. I to see people and see how carefree they are and get jealous then mad that Ive never had that or felt that, but thats thier lives and I dont know whats inside them they just may be better at hiding thier emotions than I am.

    Hey anytime you want to talk Im here to support you, know that youve made it up that huge mountain now its time to sit down and enjoy the ride back down.

    So when you need an ear, to vent, or to argue with, to let out some of that bad air, Im good with all of that. PM anytime.

    Hope tomorrow has been better than today and today is getting better than yesterday.