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Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by MoAnamCara, Mar 23, 2011.

  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Why do the ones we hold closest to us hurt us so much?

    Why do we allow ourselves to believe all will be okay?

    Why do we allow ourselves to be hurt and broken over and over?

    Why do we continue to try and trust people?

    Why do we, in turn, also hurt those who are only trying to do good for us?

    Why do we not believe good intentions?

    Why do we try and run when people get too close?

    Why are our thoughts so twisted up to not believe the right people?

    Why do we continue to run into walls irregardless of the hurt?

    Why do we try to intentionally hurt ourselves?

    Why do we set ourselves up for continuous falls?

    Why do we even bother to try and continue?
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    All question we have asked ourselves so many times I hope your pain and sadness lessens soon hun i am here if you ever need someone just to talk to or listen hugs to you:hugtackles:
  3. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Hey MonAnamCara
    I can very much understand where you are coming from. Sometimes it seems like everything is against us, and the things we do seem to be pointless. I don't think they are, we are all just trying to find our way through life, and you are doing so well. I'm sorry things are so difficult for you right now hon. Take care
  4. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you both -

    I think its normal, whatever that is, for us all to question things every so often. But when its a constant every day thing.... thats not healthy.

    I realize what I am doing and I know its not healthy yet I seem to be unable to move past or to stop doing this all the time. Its tiring, very tiring.

    There is so much for me to be grateful for, and I am or I try to be, yet I feel so selfish with my thoughts. I feel like I'm not such a nice person with things that go through my mind. I'm definitely not worthy of some people's attention. What I am doing is not right but I can't pull back, conflicting thoughts.

    When all this is over, what is left? How do I move forward? This time right now was for me to put myself out there, figure all of this out. I have wasted this time, how stupid of me.

    I don't want to hurt anyone, I'm scared of this. Its not intentional really, honestly. How can we move forward if we are stuck in the past too? Thoughts, actions and words that have hurt but which we have buried. Or so we think - until they surface out of nowhere.

    How do we stop this continuous cycle?
  5. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    I think we invite being hurt because it is what we are used to- suffering seems like the normal state. The people that have harmed us also made us believe we deserved it.

    We have to believe we don't deserve to suffer. It sounds like it should be logical, even automatic but the self hate- the tendency to self destruct can be very hard to reverse.
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Bluegrey -

    yes, I think you are correct. We invite it - but also do we unconsciously do things to continuously extend that invitation? don't we set ourselves up for constant falls? Why? - do we enjoy the pain and the discontent? Are we happy with our pain - comfortable being uncomfortable? Is there comfort feeling as I do? No. Yet my behavior repeats itself to encourage discomfort.
  7. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Don't you know I'm trying to help you.

    Really I am.

    I'm so scared as you are too.

    The future is uncertain, what will happen tomorrow, next week or next month? I can't say next year as you're not meant to be here. Actually you should be done about now if what they said was true.

    How do we live then? Day to day? Forget our dreams and futures?

    How do we plan for the future? What is our future? One month? three? maybe six?

    Please give me some breathing room, understand my love yet my need to look after me.

    Please do not misunderstand my actions as uncaring, unloving.

    Believe me when I say they are not intended that way.

    Please help me help you.

    Please try not to be so stubborn, so strong, so right all the time.

    Please understand this could all change tomorrow, we are squandering our time.

    Please listen, please accept help, please reach out.

    I cannot do this alone, I simply can't.

    I'm not sure I can do it at all.

    I've tried to tell you whats going on with me, but burdening you with anything else leaves me full of guilt.

    So I hide anymore - my thoughts and feelings are covered and masked.

    So I'm okay, I'm always okay, just fine, doing good, happy out, no problem.

    Its so sad that you don't see "me" anymore.

    I miss us and what we had once.

    The last 365 days have changed our lives so much, I thought we were strong enough to survive.

    Now I realize we haven't.

    And I'm not sure I can alone.
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Okay, I quit.

    Is that what you want?

    Are you happy now?

    I won't care anymore.

    You make your own choices and decisions.

    I can be here in body but not in spirit.

    Until the body also leaves.
  9. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Nope Im not happy about this one bit, you dont let others bring you down like this. If they are making wrong decisions, well thats thier life, sometimes you cant control others but you can control youself and you know this is not the decision that you would make.

    Hope you feel better, keep posting let it all out.
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I wish I had the answers, hope you're okay x
  11. ParodoxialShadow

    ParodoxialShadow Active Member

    these are questions which haunt us all. Perhaps I can shed some light on them? Maybe these aren't the answers, but they are close, I think.

    We all have an innate need to feel close to someone, because alone, anything is weaker than when it is in a group, so we actively try to trust people, and will them to trust us. But there's a catch.

    For people like us, we know how painful it is when trust fails. So, we try to avoid that pain, but we still need to feel close: after all, you can share your burden with someone close, so you seek that person. But, we are reserved, and cannot easily trust anymore, so we cannot recieve as much trust from people. With the incomplete trust comes rifts, and we separate further, hurting ourselves, and them

    When we find someone, anyone, that we can trust and love, we will do ANYTHING to keep that relationship alive... but it may be working against us. We try to hold back our pain, so that they see us as strong; besides, showing that pain shows our trust, again something we reserve. But, as time goes on, either they believe you, and cannot see through your mask, or they WANT to believe you, and choose not to.

    It's a crazy world we live in, and not all of it makes sense. But hopefully, this helps.

    Stay strong, and know that we have trusting friends here.

  12. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you all...

    I'm fine - as always - just fine. No point being any other way...

    I appreciate all of your thoughts and comments, really I do.

    Take care.
  13. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You sound like i am fine i am fine but inside not all is fine hugs
  14. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Total Eclipse -

    :hug: thanks -

    Inside is not a pleasant view 'nor experience.... you are correct.
  15. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

  16. ParodoxialShadow

    ParodoxialShadow Active Member

    heh, I am reminded of this site's definition of 'fine'... you should look it up :p
  17. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member


    I do hope that you feel better and that you keep working on you.

    ^^^^Makes me think.......just wondering.....

    When you find this, are you careful to watch for thier mask to?

    If your not every willing to give up yourself, can you fully trust or put blame?

    Do you find that they use you against you? (confusing)

    How can you be reserved with someone new if the old is what hurt you-is that fair?