Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenPsych, Apr 1, 2011.

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  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Why when things seem as they could be improving i.e it looks like I will be allowed to stay on the course am I still obsessed by my own death? The pictures of it are going round and round.

    I know things are still a bit up in the air but I have had reassurance from the course director that she wants me to stay doing the course. It's just a meeting to iron a few things out on Wednesday. I am still dreading it as I know I will have to talk about my self harm.

    I think I have rationalised with myself that if my psychiatrist thought I needed a mental health act assessment he wouldn't wait to see me for another 6 weeks would he? Surly if it was a serious possibility and not just something thrown around he would have been more concerned about my mental health and not wait 6 weeks before the next appointment. Because if it was me and I was thinking of getting a MHA on someone I would be concerned about their mental health and capacity and would not be waiting another 6 weeks to see them. I would possibly arrange to see them in 2 weeks. But then why mention it? To scare me? Doubt it, they are professionals.

    I haven't told them about the suicidal thoughts. I don't think I would act on them. Not yet anyway. I have "if that happens" plans that are set but that is it really. Well in terms of definite. The rest is thinking of methods. I suppose I do still feel that if I found a method that would work, that wasn't painful and didn't look like suicide I would probably still go ahead with it.

    I don't understand my head.
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    don't know what to say, but I hope that things get better
  3. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I can;t cope with the conflicting thoughts. The quetiapine doesn't seem to have any effect. It doesn't even make me sleep. I am being increased to 100mg from Monday though. See what happens there.
  4. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    It's good news as far as I can see. You keep worrying over this so much that its little wonder you got conflicting thoughts!

    Like you say, with a mental health assessment, the longer its left the less serious. You could easily improve before then and your course will be settled way before then. If anyone thought you were a real risk - you'd not have a 6 week wait.

    As for visualising death and suicide - I've been there, so has the audience here of people who will know all too well the process - and in my experience, the process is like a series of waves. Sometimes the wave of oppressive thoughts is barely too much to endure. You stay in bed - but you always have the window of opportunity to get up. Sometimes we allow the chorus of 'lets die' to go on without even telling it to STFU as some might put it. Sometimes we lead the chorus - anticipating it - so used to the bloody thing that we wave the baton or shout out a 1-2-3-4 so it begins.

    You cannot fight something that intense inside your own head. Right now your trying to rationalise how you feel when truth be told - there is no rationalising - not at that point. If you feel like dying and the debate inside your head is all one sided - its a majority of doom sayers against a few voices of moderation saying 'lets live - we'll die one day, who knows, life might be worth living'

    Don't debate - just divert it, do something other than sitting still and being vulnerable to your own self doubt. Watch Sean the Sheep, I see its in your image and that tells me you have a sense of humour.

    Sean the Sheep is a great cartoon. Maybe you should try watching a few light hearted things - and definitely take a nice walk as this nice weather hits the UK and the healing light of the sun CAN lift your mood, especially if you've been staying indoors a lot. Makes you feel kind of down just to be sitting indoors on a nice day with the curtains drawn and dark thoughts pending, or in progress or lined up for later on.

    Also, it might be worthwhile for to maybe use this time to research whatever aspects of mental health you go through. I mean, once you understand the process is some kind of biological/DNA/Environmental issue - once you know its not your fault, you can stand back from yourself - maybe write down how you feel and become a better person for it.

    Everything you talk about regarding your condition makes sense. I know and you know exactly why you are thinking of even planning your death right now. It's basically depression - we might have various names for social anxiety, and suicide fixation and so on, but few people getting treated seem to understand the technical detail.

    You should busy yourself for the meantime. Set that alarm - wake up early tomorrow. It is mothers day which might be a sad occasion for some. For you, who knows, in a few years time you'll be getting some card off your children. You do want them - and hopefully you can watch the DVDs of Sean the Sheep with them one day.

    I know its hard, but busy yourself this week - spring clean - take some walks and get some sun or daylight.

    There will be a better day.

    My regards to you and anyone else out there who is suffering this terrible condition.

    As the comedian Bill Hicks once said (about life)

    It's only a ride
  5. judes

    judes New Member

    I'm glad I've been prescribed quetiapine. When I'm sad as hell, I pop more than I'm supposed to take. Then I cry to sleep.

    Ah, I hate myself.
  6. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    What have you been given it for?
  7. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    Ahh, Seroquel. What a love I have developed for it. 400 mg a day, at bedtime. The reason? Because I'm prone to bouts of psychosis and manic-depressive illness. I'll be very sad when I grow a tolerance for it. At one point I was taking...I think 1200 mg. I was popping them throughout the day like Mentos. Made me feel so weak I could barely walk up the steps up to my dorm room without stopping to rest, but hey, other than that I was enjoying the comfortable numbness.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 4, 2011
  8. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    What do you mean never a lack?
  9. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    there's no limits on posting. in fact, the more posts the better I say. as long as posting is helping, post all you want I say.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 4, 2011
  10. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I don't know if RP meant to be insensitive. I just take things the wrong was as I am very paranoid. So I suppose I should give them the benefit of doubt?
  11. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    . never mind. keep posting. i read your blog, too. always want to know what's happening with you. btw, how did it go today? you had a meeting at school, right?
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 5, 2011
  12. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    No it's tomorrow...eeek! x
  13. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    *shrug* What I said sounded insensitive, hence the moderation, so it had nothing to do with paranoia. Didn't mean to offend you.
  14. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    You're apples. As long as you didn't mean it. :)

    I think sometimes that is the problem with boards as things can be taken to mean different things when no offence was meant to be caused.

    I know I have been taken in the wrong way before as I am very sarcastic and to people who don't know me they think I am being serious and I have upset people in the past by not meaning to. It made me feel terrible.

    NO worries.

  15. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Using a forum to communicate often creates crossed wires as your not there to see people's reactions or feel the 'vibes' which would dictate your own input face to face.

    I've dropped a clanger here myself. Of course if I had been speaking to the person or persons its likely I'd have read into the conversation more or been able to apologise immediately which often calms things before people can dwell on the matter. On this forum, If anyone upsets someone, depending on time differences, it might be a day or more before you read the notification of the upset!

    Anyhow good luck with the hearing - and I enjoyed reading your blog. You've led an interesting life so far - and really do have a lot to offer the world. Obviously, if it were not for the 'darkness' kicking in now and again, you'd be appreciating that and be comfortable with yourself.

    Hope you can be winning as the year progresses.

    PS - I can be sarcastic also, but I don't want to indulge in superior intellectual sarcasm at the expense of others who might be on a learning curve. [sarcasm]
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