I've been contimplating suicide on and off for most of my life. I even made one attempt. Some one realized and call the police. I'll come back to that though. I'm 28, 6'4". I'm fit, attractive, i have an IQ of 143, <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Inappropriate>. So I should be happy right? People tend to flock to me when I go out, Ive never had issues making friends. So why do I hate my life? I've spent most of my life trying to help people in some way or another. I was a medic in the AirForce for 4 years, and I managed to save a lot of lives. Even since then I've always made a point of helping people. I just can not stand by and watch when people are in need. I don't feel that I do it for myself either. It used to make me happy, but not anymore. Unfortunately people seem to recognize that I'm that type, and often try to use me. For the most part i'm too intelligent to allow them too, but every so often I find myself caring for some one. So I let them in. So far every single person I've gotten close to has used me. I mean big time used me. Like take me for everything they can, and then get me into trouble on top of that. I once spent the night in jail because I refused to give a friend her keys when she was piss drunk. She threw such a fit that the neighbors called the police. I was charged with a domestic dispute, and had to go to anger management for awhile. All I did was take her keys. Unfortunately she was still in the military, I had recently got out, and they didn't like that she got into trouble. So she turned on me. Made it out to be my fault so she didn't get into as much trouble. So that's one example of what I consider my biggest problem. Other then my complete and utter lack of faith in humanity. In my fun and exciting life, I've been molested twice. When I was around 3, and again about 6. Every female friend I've known has been raped. To include my then 12 year old sister, by my father. At least two people that would not be alive today if it wasn't for me, have done terrible things. One soldier I pulled out of a burning vehicle burned down his house 6 months later. His wife and 1 year old daughter were inside. The other person raped several people. To include a friend of mine. So after countless disappointments in life, I shut down. Not completely. I still had friends, although my life was simple and boring, at least no one was trying to screw me over. Then I met her. The love of my life. I've had a few serious relationships in my life, but nothing like this. She was so amazing, I was so happy. Except I could never open up to her like I wanted too. I spent 10 years slowly putting up my shield. In the end, I destroyed our relationship. I tried to be the person I though I should be, because being myself never worked out. Except she wanted me, not the person I though I should be. Now it's too late. For the record, there is slot more to my life. I once had a very respected psychologist tell me he was surprised I hadn't killed myself. This was before I tried. In my opinion, things have gotten worse since. The person who "saved" my life, was the friend Who's keys I took away. I wish I could say she was trying to help, but she wasn't. Her actions after the fact proved that. So i'm incapable of opening myself up enough to have worth while relationship, but I'm not happy being alone. Nothing makes me happy. Every day I tell myself, I'll give it another day. I don't think I can keep convincing myself of that forever.