Why?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jeffay, Sep 18, 2011.

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  1. Jeffay

    Jeffay New Member

    I've been contimplating suicide on and off for most of my life. I even made one attempt. Some one realized and call the police. I'll come back to that though. I'm 28, 6'4". I'm fit, attractive, i have an IQ of 143, <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Inappropriate>. So I should be happy right? People tend to flock to me when I go out, Ive never had issues making friends. So why do I hate my life?

    I've spent most of my life trying to help people in some way or another. I was a medic in the AirForce for 4 years, and I managed to save a lot of lives. Even since then I've always made a point of helping people. I just can not stand by and watch when people are in need. I don't feel that I do it for myself either. It used to make me happy, but not anymore.

    Unfortunately people seem to recognize that I'm that type, and often try to use me. For the most part i'm too intelligent to allow them too, but every so often I find myself caring for some one. So I let them in. So far every single person I've gotten close to has used me. I mean big time used me. Like take me for everything they can, and then get me into trouble on top of that. I once spent the night in jail because I refused to give a friend her keys when she was piss drunk. She threw such a fit that the neighbors called the police. I was charged with a domestic dispute, and had to go to anger management for awhile. All I did was take her keys. Unfortunately she was still in the military, I had recently got out, and they didn't like that she got into trouble. So she turned on me. Made it out to be my fault so she didn't get into as much trouble.

    So that's one example of what I consider my biggest problem. Other then my complete and utter lack of faith in humanity. In my fun and exciting life, I've been molested twice. When I was around 3, and again about 6. Every female friend I've known has been raped. To include my then 12 year old sister, by my father. At least two people that would not be alive today if it wasn't for me, have done terrible things. One soldier I pulled out of a burning vehicle burned down his house 6 months later. His wife and 1 year old daughter were inside. The other person raped several people. To include a friend of mine.

    So after countless disappointments in life, I shut down. Not completely. I still had friends, although my life was simple and boring, at least no one was trying to screw me over. Then I met her. The love of my life. I've had a few serious relationships in my life, but nothing like this. She was so amazing, I was so happy. Except I could never open up to her like I wanted too. I spent 10 years slowly putting up my shield. In the end, I destroyed our relationship. I tried to be the person I though I should be, because being myself never worked out. Except she wanted me, not the person I though I should be. Now it's too late.

    For the record, there is slot more to my life. I once had a very respected psychologist tell me he was surprised I hadn't killed myself. This was before I tried. In my opinion, things have gotten worse since. The person who "saved" my life, was the friend Who's keys I took away. I wish I could say she was trying to help, but she wasn't. Her actions after the fact proved that.

    So i'm incapable of opening myself up enough to have worth while relationship, but I'm not happy being alone. Nothing makes me happy. Every day I tell myself, I'll give it another day. I don't think I can keep convincing myself of that forever.
     
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Thanks for introducing yourself! What is your current occupation, if you don't mind me asking?
     
  3. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    I'm not a psychologist but my girlfriend is studying to be one. from what i learnt so far is no respectable psychologist who is thinking straight would ever say that to a client. I certainly wouldn't want to if I was one.

    What has got me through things is realizing that the responsible thing is always to make the best of your life, for youself and others, and rather than look at all your suffering and gloat over how bad it has been, or is, to reflect on it impartially and forget yourself. Or be selfish if thats what you really want. I like to think about other people in the world that i love and live for them. and others to fight enemies. Just because i think its the most relevant thing. Not because i want to look good. If i wanted to be selfish i would have no problem being like that either if i thought its best for me, and sometimes i feel i have to be for certain things in my life that i feel are important and I think thats ok for where I am at. Its all learning. Do the logical thing to move yourself forward and accept that. Because that's all you can do. Take solace in who you really are. The more you conquer yourself and become better the more peace you can have even if on the outside your life is unfortunate that doesnt matter. Its in the mind and your actions where the battle is won. Not the circumstances. But in your spirit. Negative thoughts will only always hold you back and they are parasitic. And you always need to check you have the right balance of humility and that your perspective is as balanced and as free of delusions as it can possibly be. And not go into a victim mentality where you focus on all the things that are unfair and wrong, without doing what you can to improve things.

    And if you are not strong enough, give yourself strength by realizing you really have not gained much by giving in. Atleast give yourself the satisfaction of saying I tried and i didn't give up. Because that in itself is a big thing and means alot.

    Remember since you have been given the gift of life, you have a great deal of responsibility to use that gift correctly as you can. It effects everything around you and not just yourself. It effects me it effects everyone. If you end your life that is really a immensely negative thing for all of us and a wasted opportunity.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 19, 2011
  4. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Well I have the upmost respect for someone who is serving, or who has served in the military. You wanting to help people, even if they do you wrong, makes you have a great soul inside. Not everyone can be so kind, but the things you describe are pretty extreme.. Wherever your from, it's not like that everywhere, I don't know many people that have went through sexual abuse, but a few unfortunetly.. My entire world isn't surrounded by a bunch of selfish uncaring people. Have you thought about relocating? Or rejoining the military. You have to know your doing the most amazing thing in this world when you carry that job, and you better believe there are plenty of us out there that appreciate that..

    I can't even begin to comprehend what that soldier did, what did he come from, Iraq/Afghan, somewhere thinking murdering people or even themselves is okay?? Wow, I mean talk about the military screwing up letting that one serve our country. You did the right thing, his actions in no way is your fault.

    Anyways,, sounds like your more so sad because of that relationship and the fact that your alone,, kind of know how you feel there..

    Get things better for yourself, a relationship can go better the next time around.
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun i know how it feels like to be used I am sorry your so called friends have done this to you. I think that therapist needs to be kicked out of his practice no one should say that noone I do hope you keep taking each day as it comes okay You do not know who will be coming into your life you don't maybe that someone you can trust and open up to Trust is very hard after one has been burned but you can again hun. Please reach out to people okay but make sure that the people are there to support you not use you be careful but don't shut people out totally hugs
     
  6. Jeffay

    Jeffay New Member

    I'm currently unemployed. I was the general manager of a resturaunt, but when my fience left, I kinda had trouble keeping it together. That and I hated every second of it. So i'm going to go back to school to be a teacher. Also, I've lived all over the world, and know people from all around. So these are not isolated incidences from my home town. You are right that I'm mostly upset about this relationship. I know I drove her away, and even know how now. I understand that that should help me make my next relationship work better, but I've never known any one so perfect for me. She was the reason ive made it this far. Before I met her I had a plan, a time, a place. I was going to give up.
     
  7. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Have you tried to talk to her to see if you two can work this out? Sometimes things aren't meant to be though.. But if you have that chance, that you could work it out with her, I think you should try. Sounds like she meant the world to you..

    As perfect as she may be, it doesn't mean you can't find that with someone else. If your capable of letting go. If you know there is no possible way for it to be, that's the best thing you could do for yourself..

    I have spent the past 11 years crying over someone I know that I could never have a relationship with. You don't want to do that..

    I hope you don't give up. This world needs more caring people like you in it. It would certainly be a better place. Hope you get to feeling better..
     
  8. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    It isn't surprising that people find the "lies," of this life superficial ,and depressing. We are constantly being told lies.
    We are to told to have a great life you have to be:
    Good looking
    make tons of money
    have tons of things
    be very fit
    have high IQ's
    Yet when someone is able to achieve all of these things; they realize that their life is still empty. Everyone rich/ poor, attractive/ plain, fit/ overweight turn to a device in this life to cling to. Even then they still feel the empty void in their souls, and they hate it.
    But why? Why is it so empty when you have everything that you are told that you need for happiness? Because its all bull hocky; yup-- you read it right.
    We are all here for a purpose, and that purpose isn't to please companies by making them rich, or people by being pretty. It sure isn't about living as selfishly as we can before we die. It is to learn why we are here, what we are to do, and how to gain true understanding in this life that will empower us to gain control and to be able to stand up for what we know, and feel in our souls to be RIGHT. No one is immune to the wrong feeling we have every day. No one is completely blind that there is something seriously wrong being done around us and to us!
    The knowledge I am talking about is easily found through searching, praying, and reading the bible. Getting to know the truth about everything takes enlightenment and a teacher. There are no answers through anything else. We all have looked. Just more questions that no one can answer or will answer...
    But there are answers and they can be found in the bible. I found them there and countless others. But you have to read the whole thing like an ordinary book. Some will tell you that half of it doesn't even matter! Or to skip the LARGE first part, and jumpt to the tiny section on the back. Crazy really considering we read no other book on this planet this way. Anyways; now you know where to look and what to do; I bid you many blessings on this quest to ending your confusion for good.
     
  9. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    thats a very judgmental thing to say imo

    youre assuming that the OP isnt very well thought out/rational in their outlook/issues and is rather some impulsive individual who cant handle an honest analysis. from the looks of their post they seem to be a more 'rational' based person rather than an impulsive person who just wants to die, in which case saying that would be ill advised

    in those cases, its better for a therapist to not sugar coat things because its 'taboo' or 'triggering' and just tell the honest truth. most likely they meant it in a positive way referring to the OP's perserverence

    as for my relationship to the poster, we have nothing in common in terms of physical, in the flesh experience and 'overt' ills. however, i think our end result wasnt too different. emotionally devastated, completely demotivated, paralyzed, stuck in limbo, etc. i just took the more subtle and 'under the radar' route but it was the same path
     
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