Wicked Ways

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by BadWolf, May 5, 2014.

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  1. BadWolf

    BadWolf Well-Known Member

    I'm not really sure what I'll gain from writing this. Perhaps I'll feel a bit better for sharing? God knows that I don't get to talk about this in real life.

    Just over a year ago, I was raped. I'd just turned 18, and had gone on a night out for my birthday. I crashed on a (former) friend's sofa, and woke up without my underwear and with someone on top of me. I don't know why I didn't go home. I think I just didn't want the night to end. I was confused about what had really happened (I was blind drunk and almost asleep). I still have a lot of issues with blaming myself. I don't remember very much, but there's hazy pictures that still make me uncomfortable/upset when I think about them.

    There's some shit that they don't tell you in school about rape (not that my school told me much). They don't tell you how you don't trust guys in general afterwards. They don't tell you that you wont go to the police about it, because the shame burns your insides, because the fear that people will doubt you is fucking crippling. You wont tell your parents, either (though your mother will notice a change, and you see the same look in her eyes, sometimes). They don't tell you that you'll envy your friends for their ability to drink without fear, that you'll re-evaluate every single one of the friendships that you own. They don't tell you that your closest friends wont believe you, that you'll hate the one's that do because they never ask about how you are again. None of your friends will know what to do. Your boyfriend will see a new side of you, and decide he doesn't like it and leave.

    They don't tell you that he won't realise he raped you.

    Half of my life is made up of being angry. I'll be angry at anyone. You said something offensive? I'll fucking tear you apart. You say I'm overreacting? I will scream until your ears bleed. I'm this raging ball of fire ALL THE TIME. I'm locked in a bubble, and I'd rather kill someone than let them pop it. I'm the only one I can trust. I am the only one who wont fuck me over.

    I could end this with a question. I could ask "To other survivors, does it get easier?", but I'd have to want to change, and the only thing worse than this hell is anything else.
  2. Concrete_Angel

    Concrete_Angel Forum Buddy

    I can understand what you are going through, to answer your question in my opinion. No it hasnt got easier for me, I still think about it and it upsets me. Sometimes I just cry in my bedroom for ages because I feel nobody understands and theirs nobody I can talk to. The only way things are going to change is like you said, if you want to change and you could see a counsellor and work things through with them. Sorry if I'm not much help. Feel free to pm/VM any time! :hug:
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