Wide Awake In The Forever Nightmare

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by CGMAngel, Jan 27, 2013.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    Hello everyone;

    After 34 years of dragging myself out of bed every morning and facing the world, enticed by the (foolish?) hope that maybe – just maybe – “today” would be different, it has finally dawned on me that such a vision was merely a mirage and that, truly, nothing is ever going to change.

    So where does that leave me now? Too cowardly to live, too cowardly to die. Frozen and trapped in the purgatory of eternal darkness and solitude.

    I’ve spent my whole life attempting to interact with people who, it always turns out, do not understand and/or do not care. I am hoping that on this forum I might find some comfort in realizing I am not so alone.

    Thanks for listening (reading!).
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Hey CGMAngel, welcome to SF. I know how you feel about sort of being stuck and not knowing where to turn. I too have dealt too often with people who don't seem to "get it" or even seem to care much. But you won't encounter that on this site, because there are many caring and generous people who want to help. I hope that being on this site will help you.
  3. kdjd

    kdjd New Member

    Right there with you CG. Each day is a spiral of such thoughts and fanciful 'plans' of finally doing it. Just going away somewhere and sitting in a tent seems like an attractive out...
  4. Hoasis

    Hoasis Well-Known Member

    Hey Angel I feel your pain, I get the impression we have the same problem. What exactly frustrates you the most? Do you have close friends? Do you enjoy your job? I have
    a huge problem relating to other people, cant open up so eventually people stop talking to me and its frustrating since I try over and over...
    would be nice to talk to you in private if you feel like.
  5. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    I think people who have never experienced depression/suicidal feelings or similar simply cannot understand. It's beyond their capabilities. It's not something you can really expect from them. They will try to understand and help but they most often don't know how to react. That's the experience I've had.
    But I am only half your age and I'm still very unsure of the world. Still, I feel like I can feeel where you're coming from.
    Stay strong, i wish you all the best!
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome..firstly, you write so well, I shared what you said...I used to feel that way; like I was stuck in some sick joke that I did not have the punch line for. I think each person find his/her path differently, and I frequently ask people who are better guided to tell me how they got there...I am so glad you posted and hope to see you around...please PM me if I can be a part of the comfort you are seeking...with understanding
  7. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    Hi everyone;

    Wow - I think I finally understand "The Comfort Of Strangers." Here I have received more support and encouragement from five strangers in 24 hours than I have from "friends" in the past 24 YEARS. Thank you for all your responses.

    Those of us trapped in a constant duel with The Mental Illness Monster don't exactly walk around advertising our plight to indifferent passers-by, so it can be very easy to believe that we are completely alone and isolated in a world where everyone else seems to speak a different language.

    If only all those of us who are kindred sufferers could meet in some magical, fantastical room somewhere! Maybe then the hope of salvation could emerge from the shadows of illusion.
  8. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    I have had the same experience, too. I couldn't find comfort in family or friends. Not even in my best friend, to whom I would write just like I write in such forums. I have found two 'strangers' though with whom I know write regularly and sharing thoughts and experiences is interesting and helpful. Just seeing that someone answers to you, makes you feel somehow special, as if you're worth something after all.

    I think that there are meetings organized by people on the site... I'm not sure though, it could've been a different site.

    Hope things go better for you :)
  9. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    Thanks scarlett. Isn't it funny how sometimes it can be so much easier to share our darkest truths with strangers than with friends and family? I guess we don't want to disappoint/worry the people we love, so we keep up a façade of being okay and in control.

    Eventually, however, there comes a day when we just can't hide it anymore.

    I like your quote by the way. Humans are supposed to be instinctively afraid of the dark, but I have always felt the darkness was my friend. It keeps me hidden, and if people can't see me then they can't judge or hurt me.
  10. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    Exactly, disappointment/worry. I could never name why I didn't want people knowing about my thoughts but you just gave me two good names. My parents know about my situation though. Still, I can't talk to them about it. When they see a cut or scar, they either shake their heads and mock me or they yell at me. And I can understand that in a way, but it's not really helpful. It just makes things worse than they already are. Strangers I have talked too have never sad anything bad to me.

    Thank you! I wrote it myself a year or two back when I felt really comfortable with depression. I couldn't imagine living without it.
  11. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    scarlett - when people yell at you it is usually just fear doing the talking. It can be pretty frightening when we see someone we love in trouble and we believe there is nothing we can do to save them. We become angry with ourselves, but often turn that anger outwards.

    You yourself wrote in an earlier post above that people who have never experienced depression cannot understand it. It would seem your parents just do not comprehend the darkness inside you.

    Very impressed you wrote that quote! I write also. I hate to speak, but I love to write. I have found it is so much easier to express my true self through the written word.
  12. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    Yes, I know and I understand that. But I don't know what to do about it. I mean, it's a bit complicated. My parents went through war and myfather lost his parents at a young age, he admitted to having self-harmed a little bit himself back then. So, they're not emtionally stable all the way either. They're doing amazing considering what they had to go through, but sometimes I feel like I still have to help them. I keep my feelings to myself though, I always try to smile and all, but they keep asking me about it like they want to talk. And I risked it more than once, only to get an unsatisfactory answer.They just say 'everyone feels like that sometimes' and 'it'll pass' and they leave it at that. that just isn't enough. but i don't expect for them to be the ones to save me. I'm fine with them being that. But they aren't.

    Yeah, writing has helped me a lot too. I even posted one or two on here (there's a poet corner or something) ^^
  13. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    scarlett - sounds like your parents really do want to help, they just don't know how. It is nice that they are at least trying. Do you have any brothers/sisters/close friends for support?

    It's interesting that you mentioned sometimes your parents will say "it'll pass." I just posted a new thread about those words. Mental illness is not like the flu. After all these years I have lost faith in the mantra, "it'll pass"!
  14. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    i have an online friend as support :) and of course i like that my parents are trying and not ignoring me but sometimes it just makes it worse.

    i completely agree with you on that! in a way i don't even want it to just pass. i mean, it's kind of become a part of me. it has been a big influence on me, showed me a different perspective of life, that won't just disappear. i guess they just don't want to accept that i could really be mntally ill and not just sad.

    this topic i supposed to be about you though. how are you doing?
  15. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    scarlett - thanks for the speedy response!

    And thank you for asking about me. I have had better days (I vaguely remember them in the distant past), but I managed to make it through another one, so there is still hope, right?

    I wish I had found this forum earlier. (How long have you been coming here? Oh wait, it says - March 2012.) It seems there are a lot of kind, supportive, genuinely caring people here. I guess we are all used to interacting with so many who don't/can't care or understand; this forum offers some quantum of hope.

    BTW, you wrote on another of my posts that sometimes you have wished to get sick and die. Do you still think like that? I find myself feeling this way; it is twistedly comforting to know there ARE exit doors somewhere.

    Most people are afraid to die. I, on the other hand, am afraid to live. Always out of step with the rest of the world...

    So, how was/is your day?
  16. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    it actually helps me too, so thank you for the conversation :]

    there is always hope. at least that's what i believe. even if one is comitting suicide, one is hoping for the pain to stop or for a better 'life' after death.

    i have been on other sites before that though, they weren't as helpful as this one but yes, this is a good place. sometimes just writing something and giving it to the world to read helps by itself too i guess. sometimes i go a long time without coming on here though.

    well at the moment i'm not as suicidal but sometimes i still do wish for it because it would make things so much less complicated. and i wouldn't have to worry about commiting suicide and feeling bad about dying and leaving people behind. if i would get that sick, i would be a bit sad because i like being in control of myself and would've rather ended my life myself but i wouldn't mind it. that way, my depression and suicidal feelings would stay as secret as they are now.

    yeah, that's how i was too. i kind of used to worship death. i knew i could end it if i wanted to and that felt great. but after a failed suicide attempt, i have lost that feeling. i don't like the thought of death in itself anymore but i hate life just as well and i feel like i've been backed into a corner with no way out. that sucks but i'm going to this amazing concert on thursday, and until then, i'm not going to let anything get me down.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.