Widowed

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by avalon, Jun 2, 2014.

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  1. avalon

    avalon New Member

    Hi, I'm new here. I have been thinking about taking my own life recently again.

    I've lost my wife about 1.5 years ago when she died of Cancer after three years of struggling. We have been married for over 8.5 years. I think nobody can even remotely imagine what it means to have lost your soulmate unless you've lost her. After she died I wanted to die too. I wanted to follow her. I wrote my Last Will two weeks after she died in my arms at the hospital.

    Life has pretty much lost all its purpose since then. I have started to think profoundly about the meaning of life and even read some philosophic books. I'm not particularly religious but I do believe that there is more after this life and I believe that my wife still exists somehow, somewhere. In fact if I'd stop to believe that, life would become absolutely meaningless and I could kill myself right now and it would make absolutely no difference whatsoever.

    After all, what would be the point for living a short, even poor or miserable life and die and then there is nothing anymore afterwards?! I believe - after serious contemplation - that there is infinity instead of nothingness. Take a moment to think about it! Nothingness! Can you imagine it? It's a paradox, it cannot be! And the universe cannot be generated out of absolute nothing. It's impossible no matter how you approach it (and no matter how much science wants to explain it). If there can be no nothingness then there can be ultimately only be infinity, both in time and space, regardless of how many unknown dimensions you go up or down... there will forever be something.

    So what do we know about our existence or the existence of just about anything? We don't know anything! We can't conceive it!

    Therefore it is my firm believe that there is more. Maybe even reincarnation/rebirth.

    In any case, back to my misery... no matter how much I follow the trail along what could be after death, I still don't see much of a point in this current life. We were bound to live together happily and much longer and then forcefully, disarmingly she is taken from you, never to come back again. I witnessed her death, her funeral, her cremation... words cannot express this level of grief.

    I have been pretty much alone for the last 1.5 years. I was thinking about altruistic suicide, saving somebody's life while sacrificing my own. But such chances appear very rarely. For months after she died I wouldn't care less whether I was run over by a car or by a train. I still don't see the point in life, not after what has happened. I can only distract myself from the reality of what has happened for so long. Eventually the fact that I lost her comes back and overshadows everything.

    For now only my beloved cats and the fact that I don't want to cause my relatives (her family) even more grief and trouble holds me back. And quite honestly because I don't know what awaits me after death (as I wrote I don't believe in that there is 'nothing' so there must be something). While I doubt one goes straight to hell I can imagine self-doubt and limbo afterwards.

    This situation isn't an ordinary suicide wish! I'm over 40 and I've contemplated profoundly about the point of life. For most problems there is a solution but for such a personal loss there isn't. She won't come back, you know!

    Well, I'm about to lose my current job and need to find something new. It's will be difficult. If all else fails I consider the final solution before I run into serious trouble losing our apartment (which still holds all her belongings, which I could never ever dispose of).
     
  2. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    hello, I cannot imagine the pain you are in losing your wife to cancer I am so sorry, I just wanted to really express my condolonces and say sorry you are suffering so much, I hope you keep reaching out though and that maybe gives you some comfort

    best wishes

    Rich
     
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just wanted to say hi, and welcome. I'm so sorry for your loss; I know there are no words that will take away the pain you're in, but just know we're listening, you're being heard.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I too am sorry for you loss hun have your reached out for some grief councelling Honor your wife hun by keeping her memory alive . She would not want to see you so unhappy nor would she want you to die hun do something to commemorate your love for her. Plant a beautiful tree or create a beautiful garden for her
    I know itis hard hun it is still very very painful i know but with support you can move past the pain you can h ugs
     
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