Wife is or will be having sex and I can't

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by paperboy48, Apr 24, 2012.

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  1. paperboy48

    paperboy48 New Member

    So, here’s my story. I went on 20 MG of Paxil in 2001 for anxiety. I stayed on Paxil for 10 years not because of the health problem I went on Paxil but because of having a little too much ‘OCD’ as my soon to be ex-wife would indicate.

    In 2008 , I started having problems getting erections. So, at 31 years old I went to see my doctor and he prescribed me Viagra. That was his cure for 3 years. For the most part, Viagra did the job for that time period. Apparently, anti-depressants can have a very negative effect on sexual function.

    Last summer I began to get frustrated with my wife and treat her poorly due to the fact I lacked major confidence in being intimate with her. This led us into having a lot of problems carrying into the last fall/early winter which now has resulted in a soon to be divorce.

    So now I am out of my house (living with my parents for the time being), getting divorced from my beautiful wife (who did not deserve the emotional abuse I put her through, which if I talked with her more openly about this instead of lashing out at her, I could still be married).

    Now, she is about to enter a relationship and have lots of fun with a new guy and I am left with impotence (for now at least) and the possibility of not having sex again for years due to this drug. It’s called Post SSRI Sexual Dysfunction.

    What really hurts is my wife is a very sexual person. She really likes sex. I do think that if I had just talked to her about this, she would have been very understanding and would have stayed the course. But, because I did not go about it that way, she is now ready to pounce other men. I know this because she has a very strong sense of urgency in getting our divorce settled. I also went through her drawers at the house the other day and found a lot of new lingerie including numerous thongs, etc. She didn’t wear those for me .

    That really hurts that my wife is or will soon be having lots of sex with a new guy and I am left with no chance of doing the same. In actuality, I just want to be that guy my wife is or will be having sex with.

    So, how do you get these thoughts of your spouse with another person out of your head?

    Can’t say I haven’t had thoughts of suicide. I just haven’t because of my family, friends, etc.

    So that’s my story.
  2. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    I understand what your going through i didnt need drugs to get like that the depression did it for me but it is not an easy thing to have in your thoughts and only time can heal.You prob have to keep yourself busy for distraction and even have someone to talk to so you can vent a little as holding all this to yourself can make it worse.Having been through a divorce i know how difficult it can be my ex just recently got remarried again so i went through some crappy emotions again too but found letting those out by talking i was able to find some peace with in my thoughts.Try not to torture yourself by finding out what shes up too as this makes it even harder to get through i know its a tough time at the moment but eventually you will accept that this is how it is and maybe you might find that right person that understands your disfunction.
  3. MisterBGone


    That's a tough break! I'm sure you're being harder on yourself than is truthful. For instance, if your wife really loved you that much, why didn't she try to stay and help you or talk to you and see this through? I understand you mentioned being mean to her and very hurtful and perhaps even less than honest with regards the sexual dysfunction. But just because you weren't giving her any of the answers in terms of the problem with which she no doubt knew about, does not mean that she couldn't have asked you the proper questions. If she truly cared that is....I also think, that what you did may have come about from an insecurity over your perceived lack of physical intimacy with your wife. I know that's how I'd probably behave--get angry-rather than admit weakness...& it has got to be excruciating to sit there and watch her get along with someone else. But guess what? There's nothing stopping you from going out and doing the same!
  4. paperboy48

    paperboy48 New Member

    I don't think my wife really new for a while, she new about my dysfunction when it first began in 08' then I didn't talk about it for a while and if I needed to I would pop a pill and all would be good. But in the interim, I felt insecure as you stated because I lost my confidence and now all she can focus on is the way I treated her rather than confiding in her about the issue.

    Unfortunately, there is - because I came off the drug (SSRI) so quickly, I am in a state of major impotency. Hopefully, this will not last for longer than a year or two but, it definetly keeps me from going out and doing the same as she is able to do now. So, she wins.. I lose. her life is great right now and mine is not!!!
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I am sorry to hear that... that is all I can say... I wish there was a drug that could more quickly kill my sex drive.. because females do not find me attrative at all... so if I had no sex drive I am sure I would be less depressed.

    So what you need to do is get off the drug. Take the time to recover and start over. That is all you can do.
  6. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Personally speaking, once I learned that sex was not important to daily life, my life became much more fulfilled. We, as people, are far more than just sex. My advice, which may or may not help you, is to put less value on sex and more value on just taking what you need to sustain and giving back as much as possible to others. Television and media dictate how people think these days, but in a far simpler time there were so many rewards to living that did not include this one physical action. Relationships must be built on more than sexual needs, if they are to be a long term success.
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