Wife thinks I'm a failure

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by PrimusPilus, Nov 4, 2014.

  1. PrimusPilus

    PrimusPilus Member

    I'm a solo practitioner attorney in a rural area. Have had my own firm for almost two years. Business is slow. Money is a huge stressor for me right now. We're able to pay the bills (barely). When I receive calls reminding us that a certain bill is due, she interrogates me, which upsets me. I understand she's worried about losing everything, but that's not going to happen (I hope).

    Her birthday is this month, and I asked her what she wanted. She said she'd like to go on a weekend trip. I said cool. Then she texted back, forget it, we can't afford it now, and gave me very low spending limits on our birthday and Christmas gifts this year. I've told her that I feel like a failure, but she says she doesn't think of me as one. She may not say it, but I know that's how she feels. She's made other comments to me about money. When I went to law school, I think she expected me to be rolling in money, and that just doesn't happen in our area. Anyway, I feel very depressed about it. I visualize dying at least two dozen times a day, especially when I lie down at night to go to sleep. I tell myself I am useless, and a waste of space. I don't know that I'd kill myself, but this past year has brought me closer to it than ever. She'd get my life insurance at least.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 4, 2014
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya. I'm sorry you're feeling so low right now.

    You are married, you succeeded at law school, and you're paying the bills even though money is tight. That is not a "failure". It sounds as though some parts of life are stressful, though. Have you and your wife talked about future goals and present circumstances recently (other than stressing at each other about the bills)? Maybe it's time to review or renew a plan with measurable goals and a time line. Look at the budget and spending and see if there are ways to save for a specific goal.

    If you are newly married and starting a new business, your situation is very common to many new couples. It can be a bit of a slog to get settled in with each other, to grow a client base for business, and get fully established. That's a lot to do in only two years. I don't think you have failed. I think you are just "beginning" and perhaps have very high expectations.

    If you and your wife cannot do expensive birthdays/holidays this year, maybe you could do something like a "stay-at-home trip to Paris". You'd need a baguette, a nice bottle of wine, candlelight, a picture or two (Eiffel Tower, Mona Lisa, the Seine, Notre Dame Cathedral)...give her flowers, and have croissants and café au lait for breakfast.

    Perhaps a little thought and some low cost touches will express to her how much you care and that you can still have a great time with each other. And the planning for longer term goals will help you both stay on the same path. :hug:
  3. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Perhaps the two of you can work it out so the income you both bring into the house is manageable. I believe, we have to appreciate the here and now, so we can make that tomorrow happen. But it's not easy. It takes alot of hard word, and appreciation for the effort that's being put into everything in the here and now. By both parties.

    I don't know how your relationship works, so I'll tread carefully. But beyond that, souly on the buisness front. Perhaps you need to start thinking of ways to expand your income. Maybe a second job to fill in the dead space. Or think about relocating to an area where your work is in higher demand.

    All things to consider. But those are active thoughts. Like Acy has very well pointed out, you have achieved a great deal. You put the effort in. You worked hard and succeeded through law school, and everything that happened during then. Sometimes life gives you curve balls. Sometimes you have to either create a stronger foundation, or go where life takes you. Either way, you might be best in trying to relax a bit, lessen your burden... and just think of tomorow. Beyond bills, what do you want? If things aren't working out as plan,.. how do you make them work.

    Anyhow.. take it easy on yourself. But be proactive. Like can be a real bastard... but try not to let those sorts of thoughts in. The simply get in your way of thinking and acting your way out of your situation. :)
    (I do think this is something that you two should be actively doing Together. But every relationship is unique. Just... stay calm :) You got through Law School. You'll get through this)
  4. PrimusPilus

    PrimusPilus Member

    Thanks for the kind words.
  5. PrimusPilus

    PrimusPilus Member

    Just a quick update. Wife has been pouting and acting passive/aggressive the past few days. This weekend my wife's mom was in a car accident. We went to the ER and the doctor was a guy my wife knew from her childhood. So, I think that set her off, "grass is greener" kind of thing. If she wants more money, let her leave and find someone who can put up with her crap. We usually take a weekend trip to shop, and we can't afford to this year. She's been making comments about it, "wish we were going . . ." Well, I do too, but we can't. Life sucks in general anymore.
  6. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    Maybe she really doesn't think of you as a failure. My husband constantly thinks that I think he's a failure because we're broke a lot of the time, but I don't. I understand the limitations our current situation puts on us and our finances. Money is just money at the end of the day. There are a lot of more important things. If, however, she really does look down upon you for that, that should be a big clue that you deserve better.