I think my eating disorder has officially won. It is more important than anything else. I sat in my psychiatrist's office today and the whole time I was talking I was congratulating myself for not eating all day and focusing on the fries I promised myself I could binge on after my appointment and then purge. It's the only way I was able to make it to that appointment, I needed the motivation of food. Otherwise, I would have stayed in bed all day resting from the previous nights binge cycle and trying to stay away from food during the day because I thrive on feeling empty. And so I drove home, stopped for fries, binged, stopped at the grocery store and walked around like I was lost with an empty cart, I did not even know why I was there. Just being around food was overwhelming and exciting at the same time. Ended up buying yogurt, and sugar cookies. Binged on cookies. Got home. Purged. Drank a lot of water, purged again. And now I am scared to death of food again, but it's also the only thing I can think about. I just want to be thin, it's the only thing I have ever really wanted.