Will I be a beast too??

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by cloud9, May 19, 2010.

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  1. cloud9

    cloud9 Well-Known Member

    I'm worried.

    When I think about the way men treat women in my family,I feel uneasy. When I think of examples of the way men treat women, I've only really seen what goes on in my family. Women are either abused physically or emotionally. I've never witnessed physical abuse. Fortunately my dad (I think) isn't capable of that. I've definitely heard of physical abuse within my extended family. Women tend to be limited to taking care of the house and raising the children too. I know my dad is a pioneer for these gender specific roles unfortunately. What scares me is what if I grow up to be just like them. Sort of like a Chris Brown/Rihanna scenario. I believe Chris Brown was brought up in an abusive household and he turned out to be abusive himself. What if I become such a......"beast" to my wife. You know when I think of my mom and the role my dad played in shaping her into a vegetable...I'm certain that there are things worse than killing someone.

    I know I don't want to be like that, but like they say, the apple never falls far from the tree. I feel like I can be a very clingy person. I've never had a gf, but I'm sure that's my personality. That's a trait common in abusive people right? It kind of makes me never want to get a gf or get married if I become an asshole. I see/feel some of the qualities of my dad in me....the undesirable ones. He can't cook which explains why my mom is stuck doing it. I think of myself and I really can't cook either. Mind you I'm better than my dad and I took some strides to learn the basics last semester, but I still have a long way to go. Now with premed preparations, I feel like I'll never be proficient at cooking. My dad also has a bad temper. I was once told by someone that men in my family do have a fiery temper. You know what? When I feel mad I swear I can feel my blood boil. I try to contain it, but sometimes I do get into fights with my sister. I'll swear at her, and she'll swear at me. Not something I would want to happen in any relationship. If I'm not cussing, you can definitely see the anger in my face/body language. How do I just cool down??

    I'm worried about this. If I can't be respectful to my wife, then marriage/gfs should be out of the question. But then....what's the point in living if you can't have a partner?? I don't care how much money you have, but a lambo will never make up for those feelings of loneliness....

    Do people come out of abusive families to raise their own proper functional families? Or am I doomed to repeat what my asshole guy relatives have going on in their families?
     
  2. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    you are not doomed to follow the men in your family's actions. You can choose who you will become no matter how difficult it may be. It may not be easy but nothing worth while in life is hun. You seem to have such a big heart and you are making strides to not be like your father. You are not an asshole :sad: you dont have to follow in your father's footsteps....
    hang in there hun...here if you need anything..
     
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Maybe you should see a therapist to learn coping skills.. You don't have to be like the other men in your family..Maybe put some distance between yourself and your family..
     
  4. cloud9

    cloud9 Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately moving away from them is not really an option. If I want to be able to stand on my two feet in the future, I'll need their support now.

    Kids are such a big responsibility though. I feel there are more traps in raising them the wrong way, rather than the right way. I don't want to raise a devil. It seems complicated. :hiding:
     
  5. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    I really think that you can choose for yourself; the person you want to become.

    I've come from a family of alcoholics and drug addicts... alot of violent and abusive people. I am the opposite because of what I was exposed to as a child. I don't smoke/do drugs/drink- never have and never will. I've seen it as a weakness and decided not to be the same as them. You can do the same as well, I'm sure.

    One of my friend's fathers was adopted by a Canadian family when he was 14. He grew up in an abusive household and was raped and beaten every day but when he had children, he was a much MUCH more positive father figure than his own father ever was. He's a good dad.
    I'm sure it was hard for him, but he chose to be different- and you can too.
     
  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I don't think so, I think that you will be just fine. You recognize what happens in your family, that shows you know it is wrong. People who turn out to be like their parents do not think about stuff like this.

    My dad is a womanizer, he thinks women are his slaves. I saw this at a young age and determined it was wrong. I won't say that my dad has not rubbed off on me a little. However, it will never be to an extent that I am like him. I found his lifestyle offensive. Which is why I am the way I am :confused: .

    Just remember you know what is right and wrong and you will be able to control it.
     
  7. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    :hug:

    I can understand your worries, I have them too. There is so much of my mom in me that I don't think I should be getting married and having kids in the future.
     
  8. cloud9

    cloud9 Well-Known Member

    I guess I have control over this. Well, I know I do. I just wish there were examples or role models I could follow. Asides from not doing the things that are wrong, I need to know what should be done and encouraged. I feel I don't have access to these kind of role models...
     
  9. tottenhamhotspur

    tottenhamhotspur Active Member

    The apple never does fall far from the tree.
    Some of us learn behavior, and some of us learn FROM behavior, however.
    You can take your closeness and proximity to bad practice and apply it to your own life in the way that you know the damage and harm it causes to others.
    We all make our own pathes, and can change and modify that path as we go along. If you feel that some of the bad treatment of women may be passed down to you, why not try some therapy to help you get through? Certainly a counseller can give you some advice or guidance or at least help you by adressing your legitimate concerns about how these behaviors are often passed down.

    Your awarness, however, is a great sign that you are unlikely to repeat these types of behaviors. I would say that, if anything, you will be more likely to avoid this pattern in any way, and will be more sensitive to any time your hurt the feelings of your partner (this, in love, inevitably happens) and be able to make more reasonable and compassionate choices about how to behave and to correct behaviors that could be harmful.

    You are obviously a caring, dedicated and concerned individual.
    I am sure if you keep on this path, you will do just fine.

    Remember that there are always people here for you, and that counselling, friends, etc. whoever surrounds you and gives you good advice will be happy to help you!

    Also, I don't know how old you are, but why not volunteer or rent a room from a family if you would like to see more positive role models and life situations and be a part of them? Just an idea
     
  10. alison

    alison Well-Known Member

    Honestly, I think you are going to be just fine :)

    I'm not sure how old you are, but the fact that you are aware of this behavior within your own family, and are aware that it is wrong, speaks volumes about your personality. Particularly with the more subtle things, such as noticing that your dad values traditional gender roles, shows that you are strong (it is much easier to just accept the values that our family gives to us).

    Do you have any female friends right now? You seem young and not ready to find a women to marry yet, but I think it might help raise your confidence about this to make some female friends. Even if they're just acquaintances, practice being nice to them and treating them with respect. I think you'll find that this is quite natural for you, since your values seem to reflect that this is the way you think women should be treated.

    good luck! I think this thread shows a lot of maturity and strength on your part!
     
  11. cloud9

    cloud9 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your replies. :hug:

    I know I should look into therapy. I just really haven't gotten around to it. Renting in a family's home sounds like a great idea, but I don't think I'll get that opportunity anytime soon. Of course I could end up being in a house where the family may be similar to mine. I guess that's just a risk with these things. I guess its why I'm attracted to live on my own.

    I'm actually 22 years old and studying in university. I'll be going back for a full year this Fall and I will be living with three other girls and one guy. I think it'll be a great opportunity to treat them nice and with respect. I didn't look at it as such a chance, but I can make it a positive experience in that respect for me. I look forward to it!

    Thanks again,

    :hug:
     
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