will i be believed?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dazzle11215, Oct 2, 2010.

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  1. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    first some background...

    at my last stay at the psych ward they told me about a program at another hospital here in toronto. it's called wrap, which stands for the women recovering from abuse program and it helps women who experienced physical, emotional or sexual abuse as children and who are struggling now. they help if you are struggling with suicidal feelings, self harm, flashbacks, dissociation... all of which are daily challenges for me.

    i called them yesterday to find out about registering with the program and i've been feeling in crisis ever since. i have to wait a month for the phone screening, if i pass that i get an in person screening, and if i pass that i get into the pre-program. eventually i get into the program if all goes well. so many hurdles. so many screenings. i find it totally triggering.

    what if i wasn't abused "enough"... what if they reject me. what if i'm too damaged for them. so many unknowns. i feel sick with worry. what if they don't believe me? sometimes i even have a hard time acknowledging that i was abused, i am so ashamed that it happened. on my good days i want to know why someone would rape a 6 year old, but on my bad days i can answer that, because she deserved it. i know this is faulty thinking but i can't help feeling responsible. my therapist tells me this is how kids think, that they are responsible, and that it is not true but i don't always believe her.

    i want to believe that i was not to blame but i am not so sure. i am so scared of being found out. i am scared.
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Dazzle. I didn't realize that help and support is so hard to get here in the GTA. It's like you are being interviewed for a job. You have to pass a phone interview then a personal interview just to qualify for the program. That's crazy. I hope that they let you into it so you can get the help that you need. And don't blame yourself for what happened. You were young and you were taken advantage of by a pedophile. It's not your fault. :hug:
  3. dreams4life

    dreams4life Well-Known Member

    No one deserves to be raped. You are not responsible for what happened. You were just 6 years old. Who ever did it, it is their failure. Now, past is past. You have to overcome the guilt feelings and be set free from the bonds. Do not fear, do not be afraid. Don't let the program's decision demoralize you.
  4. dontwannabeme

    dontwannabeme Well-Known Member

    dear dazzle,

    I dunno if im right too say this , since im not you:)
    But why not give it ago? I mean whatever happens you tried? right.
    Its worse too not try and never know if they would or would not take you.
    If in some stupid case they reject you it means not the end.
    It means they fail themselfs and you are the one that is strong and keeps going :)

    Just thought you might want too know :)

    big hug
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOU were not to blame okay i don't agree with all these screening processes it is cruel but i guess they have their reason. Just know i believe you and tell them what you know okay they will say the same the child is never at fault never.
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