first some background... at my last stay at the psych ward they told me about a program at another hospital here in toronto. it's called wrap, which stands for the women recovering from abuse program and it helps women who experienced physical, emotional or sexual abuse as children and who are struggling now. they help if you are struggling with suicidal feelings, self harm, flashbacks, dissociation... all of which are daily challenges for me. i called them yesterday to find out about registering with the program and i've been feeling in crisis ever since. i have to wait a month for the phone screening, if i pass that i get an in person screening, and if i pass that i get into the pre-program. eventually i get into the program if all goes well. so many hurdles. so many screenings. i find it totally triggering. what if i wasn't abused "enough"... what if they reject me. what if i'm too damaged for them. so many unknowns. i feel sick with worry. what if they don't believe me? sometimes i even have a hard time acknowledging that i was abused, i am so ashamed that it happened. on my good days i want to know why someone would rape a 6 year old, but on my bad days i can answer that, because she deserved it. i know this is faulty thinking but i can't help feeling responsible. my therapist tells me this is how kids think, that they are responsible, and that it is not true but i don't always believe her. i want to believe that i was not to blame but i am not so sure. i am so scared of being found out. i am scared.