Will I Ever End Up Going Through With It?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by psychic_kitten, Feb 1, 2015.

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  1. psychic_kitten

    psychic_kitten New Member

    Hello all,

    I only discovered SF today, but I'm glad to have found a support network whereby you aren't barred from talking about suicide. I'm sorry if any of my post seems disjointed or I ramble on; hopefully anyone kind enough to take time reading this will be able to see the wood through the trees.

    I've had suicidal thoughts on and off for 10 years. My earliest memory is when I attempted it aged 13 taking about XXX - I couldn't actually tell you why I tried looking back, and I don't even think I really intended to die seeing as I took so few. Around the same time I also XXX but that was a cry for help (what help, I don't know). Maybe I was just being an attention seeker; maybe that's why I'm so terrified of being seen as one now.

    Fast forward a few years (I'm skipping out quite a lot of fairly traumatic things that happened as I wouldn't even know where to start) and my mental well being has significantly declined. On New Year's Eve 2013 I stood in my bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror, and I promised myself that if nothing had improved within a year, I would do it the following NYE. I told no one about this pact. I tried getting professional help, I tried saying "screw the system I'll do it by myself" (as I had many, many times before); but overall I continued to get worse. The ideation/fantasising continued and there were a couple of times I came close. My partner was going away one Friday night and I had this urge unlike usual that that was going to be the night; when it came I sat in the dark fighting with myself whether to walk to the woods or walk to the hospital... in the end the turmoil wore me out so much that I fell asleep. The second occasion was immediately after seeing a psychiatrist for the first time and being told there was nothing wrong with me. I went back to work after my appointment, went into our storage cupboard and found some plastic strapping that I could tie around a shelf. I stood writing a note to leave for about 20 minutes before I just burst into tears and realised I couldn't live (or die) with the guilt of killing myself. Needless to say I didn't do it on NYE 2014 either, but I did spend midnight drunk and telling my partner where and what I 'should have' been doing that night; and then I promised him (and myself, again) that I would give it one more year, but that I really would do it next time - and I really want(ed) to mean it.

    In the past month, something has changed. I don't feel quite so guilty about what it'll do to other people anymore, and there is a slight urge to do it now rather than it just being a thought. I've become a lot more emotionally unstable recently; I can be feeling psyched up to do it, and then for literally for a minute or so my mind will switch and be racing with a million and one possibilities about the future and I will be filled with excitement and positivity, only to lose it again after a brief moment. I'm also finding myself sometimes feeling completely emotionally numb; genuinely believing I am dating celebrities and/or not being able to work out if I'm awake or dreaming. I don't know what it is or what's happening, but I've not experienced anything like this before.

    I guess what I'm trying to find out is whether other people who do end up attempting/committing suicide go through all this "I'll be fine/it'll go away" until one day they snap; or if, the longer you have these thoughts without intention, the less likely you will be to ever go through with them. Being totally open and honest, I don't feel as if right at this moment I would ever seriously try and so I wouldn't be too concerned about my own safety if I were a professional; but I'm debating whether there is potentially a genuine risk in the future and so if it's worth the frustration and energy getting help now as a preventative; or not to bother.

    Thank you very much for reading.

    Kitten x
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 1, 2015
  2. smwhorses

    smwhorses Well-Known Member

    Many of us go down the same road you are on. Some take longer some jump ahead. For everyone it is a mix of good and bad and the bad seemingly outnumbering the good. I believe most of us look back and think how nice it would have been to have help then. How a lot of the losses and pain would not have happened if we had help back then. No one will look back and say then I was not in need of help put a week later I was. All of us can use help.
    It sounds like there are some really good things in your life. Your partner and coworkers, your friends. Getting help is always a good thing.
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, psychic_kitten. I think many people who have suicidal ideas go back and forth with them from time to time. It is always of concern if we are thinking so darkly about our life and future. I'm so sorry you've been in that dark place and that you are feeling you need to ask about it. :hug:

    I know you tried to talk to a psychiatrist before and that didn't seem of much help. Psychiatrists vary in their skills and ways of practising...some are much better listeners, more able to connect to the emotional pain someone is in. So perhaps see a different one - especially since you are having recurrent, longterm suicidal thoughts and also very vivid fantasies, and at times, aren't sure if you're dreaming or awake. I think those are important things to talk about with a doctor. Maybe a first step could be to print out what you've written here and take it to your family doctor so you can explain exactly what you're thinking about and feeling. Your doctor could then guide in what steps you might take in seeking further help.

    I am really glad you have not succeeded. As smwhorses said, it sounds like you have some good things going on life - a job, coworkers, a partner. Feelings about life can shift and we can find support as we redirect our lives. I hope you find some support here and that maybe you will consider at least talking to your family doctor as another step.

    Stay safe. :hug: :)
  4. psychic_kitten

    psychic_kitten New Member

    I should be so much more grateful for my partner than I am; he deserves so much more than me (and that's not any kind of irrationality or self-loathing talking), he never signed up for all of the emotional baggage I have and I can see the strain and damage I've caused. Some will say he would leave me if he was unhappy, and whilst he does have that choice, I know he never would.

    As for friends, I don't have any, and my coworkers aren't supportive at all I'm afraid.
  5. smwhorses

    smwhorses Well-Known Member

    Well, you have a good start at some understanding friends here. :)

    It has helped me to read a lot on this site. I hope it helps you too.
  6. Mermaid3011

    Mermaid3011 Member

    Hi Kitten,

    it sounds to me that you are trapped right now in your own mind. You believe your partner would be better off, but in fact all he wants for you is to get better! Promise!!
    And in the end you owe it to yourself and if you want to him that you get the help you need to get better.

    I don't think you can get through this alone without professional help, and I mean a psychiatrist who knows his/her stuff.

    Let me tell you: 4 months ago I signed up for an 8 week inpatient program and the psychiatrist told me that "I was just an unhappy person and medication wouldn't help me, I would have to go through cognitive behavioural therapy to get better".

    While I agree that CBT or any other therapy is extremely important I know for a fact that medication is a really important part of getting better too.
    My medication get's me to a level where I can actually WORK with my therapist.

    Needless to say, I was frustrated and sad that I didn't get the help I so desperately had hoped for. A month later I was referred to a clinical psychiatrist by my GP as he slowly understood how sick I really was. This psychiatrist has now tried several medication combos with me, all helping somewhat, but we are still fine-tuning the right cocktail.
    He asked me to "trust him" last time I was there, ready to commit suicide. He had me sign a 4 day "no harm" contract. And believe it or not. The new medication he put me on worked. 3 days later - today!! - I woke up for the first time without instantly thinking about how and when and where. It's like the suicidal thoughts have been pushed somewhere to the very back of my brain.

    I so wish for you that you can have the same experience. The right medication can help tremendously. The way there is rocky and exhausting. But you can do it!

    Call a psychiatrist, try to get your GP to give you a referral. Talk to a suicide crisis line. It's worth it!!
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