There's only been one person that I ever feel madly truely in love with. My last boyfriend I had was unlike anyone I'd ever met. The relationship ended badly and I moved thousands of miles away to escape the pain. Almost a year has passed but it hasn't made much difference. My heart is still broken and it just won't heal. Dating people since has been one miserable and dissapointing experience after another. I just haven't found anyone who makes me feel the way he did. I remember the first time I saw him so clearly. I instantly felt attracted to him like I've never felt attracted to anyone before. Ever since that first moment I just wanted to know him so badly. Then when I did get to know him I fell for him hard and fast. I tried not to but I just couldn't help it. He wasn't the easiest person to get to know and neither was I. We both had strong walls built around us. But when we were able to see inside each other...I can't describe it. I've never felt that way before. I've never shown myself to someone in that way. But like any two people we both saw the world differently and our relationship contained much conflict and drama because of it. Despite our disagreements we understood and cared for one another. But the stronger our connection grew the scarier it became. It was getting too serious it seemed. He asked me to move in with him and I told him I wasn't sure, which created doubt within him. He lost trust in me and became increasingly controlling. I rebelled as I hate being told what to do by anyone. We fought. Eventually our insecurities pushed us apart. I loved him. I really honestly loved him. But I never told him. I wasn't able to say it. And I'll always regret it. I can't seem to forget about him either. It's not always so bad but when something reminds me of him I still feel like crying. Sometimes I do cry if I absolutely can't help it. I hate crying. I hate that I still feel this way. I haven't seen or talked to him in months. For all I know he's moved on and is living his life without even thinking about me. Actually, I hope he is because living this way is torture. To keep longing for something that's so far gone, clinging to these memories as if they were something precious. I just want to feel that happiness again but I rarely feel happy when I remember him. I only feel my heart ache and a great lump in my throat. I feel the emptyness and I just want him beside me again. If it wasn't love I don't know what it was. I don't know if I'll ever feel that way about anyone again. I don't know if I want to.