Was reading in the Uncertainty Principle forum and an article on emotional abuse in the "why try?" topic triggered me. I feel pretty hopelessly trapped by depression, just dragged down without a way out. It has controlled or affected my life, along with anxiety, for the last 6 years (and definitely manifested in some way when I was a child too) and I am sick of struggling with it. One by one I've watched my hopes, dreams and desires shatter into disappointing failures and the worst part is I know that I am capable of much more. I can never seem to reach my potential though, every time I actually start to make progress I stumble over something inconsequential and as soon as even the slightest thing goes wrong, despair is waiting ready to embrace me. It doesn't even make sense to me most of the time, but I sometimes feel hopeless or completely empty and hollowed out for no reason at all. I'm throwing away what may be my last good chance at living the kind of life I want to live and I don't know if I will be able to stop it from happening. I want to try, but I'm so weary of the judgment, people who haven't experienced the emptiness that creeps into me assuming that I am just a lazy, worthless, unintelligent slacking leecher. There are so many of them out there, I can barely even stand living with my roommate because I know he judges me and looks down upon me, but he doesn't understand. He's a selfish, pompous, arrogant asshole and I shouldn't give a fuck what he thinks but some fucked up part of me still does, because he doesn't understand. I want to nail his hands to the wall and fucking beam understanding straight into his thick goddamn skull, I want everyone who ever judged me without knowing me to know how fucking hideous this monster that I struggle with is. I can't make anyone understand though, so what am I supposed to do? I've been through so much therapy in my life, I don't know how much more I can take. It was like a ritual for me growing up, my parents got divorced when I was 4 and I started going to therapy a few years later. It's like Shady says in Cleaning Out My Closet, "My whole life I was made to believe I was sick when I wasn't/Til I grew up, now I blew up, it makes you sick to your stomach doesn't it?" My whole life revolved around the premise that I was sick or not good enough and needed "help" to get over my parents not having their shit together enough to stay together and try to have a real family. My father didn't even WANT to see me half the time, and other times he would park his car outside my mom's house and demand that I come with him to his house no matter how much I refused. It was like a fucking tug of war between my parents and they played it with my motherfucking life, what the FUCK kind of parenting is that? Everything I accomplished was always a dick-measuring contest to my father, "Well that's great that you did that, but what about the other kids in school, aren't there kids that do this? You're good enough, you can do that too, try to be that good next time!" Fucking once in my life I would like him to be happy with something I've done and not tack on that I should/need to do better next time. I perpetually, subconsciously apply his warped logic to my own thoughts as I live my own independent life now, to the point that now nothing I do is ever good enough for me anymore. I wish that somebody had been around when I was 8 years old to yell in my face "HEY CHUMP, THOSE TWO OLD FARTS THAT KEEP TELLING YOU HOW TO LIVE? FUCK EM, IN 20 YEARS THEYLL BOTH BE MISERABLE OLD FUCKS AND THEY WANT YOU TO TURN OUT MISERABLE LIKE THEM. BE. YOUR. SELF." Maybe if I'd heard that then I would have learned a lot sooner to enjoy doing things not just to get the approval of my parents or other people, but because they are enjoyable. Before it was ingrained in me to do things for the wrong reasons. Now I'm backed into a corner and I feel more trapped than I ever have in my life. I'm at a great university and I know lots of amazing people here but I am literally torching the best opportunity of my life into ashes and I have no idea how to stop this trainwreck from happening. If I don't manage to stay enrolled in this university past this semester.. I think I will lose all hope. Killing myself might become my best option at that point, because once I get there my options are going to seem a whole lot shittier than they do now. I am going to ask my therapist to put me on an anti-depressant, I've refused steadfastly every time before this to ever take anything, I had always wanted to wrestle with this demon on my own, but it draws strength from every weak moment I have and I'm running out of strength to fight with it. Maybe the pills will finally give me the kick I need to get over it... If they can't, maybe they will give me the escape that I can't get in the waking world.