will I ever get out?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by diafwcc, Feb 11, 2009.

  1. diafwcc

    diafwcc Member

    Was reading in the Uncertainty Principle forum and an article on emotional abuse in the "why try?" topic triggered me. I feel pretty hopelessly trapped by depression, just dragged down without a way out. It has controlled or affected my life, along with anxiety, for the last 6 years (and definitely manifested in some way when I was a child too) and I am sick of struggling with it. One by one I've watched my hopes, dreams and desires shatter into disappointing failures and the worst part is I know that I am capable of much more. I can never seem to reach my potential though, every time I actually start to make progress I stumble over something inconsequential and as soon as even the slightest thing goes wrong, despair is waiting ready to embrace me. It doesn't even make sense to me most of the time, but I sometimes feel hopeless or completely empty and hollowed out for no reason at all. I'm throwing away what may be my last good chance at living the kind of life I want to live and I don't know if I will be able to stop it from happening. I want to try, but I'm so weary of the judgment, people who haven't experienced the emptiness that creeps into me assuming that I am just a lazy, worthless, unintelligent slacking leecher. There are so many of them out there, I can barely even stand living with my roommate because I know he judges me and looks down upon me, but he doesn't understand. He's a selfish, pompous, arrogant asshole and I shouldn't give a fuck what he thinks but some fucked up part of me still does, because he doesn't understand. I want to nail his hands to the wall and fucking beam understanding straight into his thick goddamn skull, I want everyone who ever judged me without knowing me to know how fucking hideous this monster that I struggle with is. I can't make anyone understand though, so what am I supposed to do? I've been through so much therapy in my life, I don't know how much more I can take. It was like a ritual for me growing up, my parents got divorced when I was 4 and I started going to therapy a few years later.

    It's like Shady says in Cleaning Out My Closet, "My whole life I was made to believe I was sick when I wasn't/Til I grew up, now I blew up, it makes you sick to your stomach doesn't it?" My whole life revolved around the premise that I was sick or not good enough and needed "help" to get over my parents not having their shit together enough to stay together and try to have a real family. My father didn't even WANT to see me half the time, and other times he would park his car outside my mom's house and demand that I come with him to his house no matter how much I refused. It was like a fucking tug of war between my parents and they played it with my motherfucking life, what the FUCK kind of parenting is that? Everything I accomplished was always a dick-measuring contest to my father, "Well that's great that you did that, but what about the other kids in school, aren't there kids that do this? You're good enough, you can do that too, try to be that good next time!" Fucking once in my life I would like him to be happy with something I've done and not tack on that I should/need to do better next time.

    I perpetually, subconsciously apply his warped logic to my own thoughts as I live my own independent life now, to the point that now nothing I do is ever good enough for me anymore. I wish that somebody had been around when I was 8 years old to yell in my face "HEY CHUMP, THOSE TWO OLD FARTS THAT KEEP TELLING YOU HOW TO LIVE? FUCK EM, IN 20 YEARS THEYLL BOTH BE MISERABLE OLD FUCKS AND THEY WANT YOU TO TURN OUT MISERABLE LIKE THEM. BE. YOUR. SELF." Maybe if I'd heard that then I would have learned a lot sooner to enjoy doing things not just to get the approval of my parents or other people, but because they are enjoyable. Before it was ingrained in me to do things for the wrong reasons. Now I'm backed into a corner and I feel more trapped than I ever have in my life. I'm at a great university and I know lots of amazing people here but I am literally torching the best opportunity of my life into ashes and I have no idea how to stop this trainwreck from happening.

    If I don't manage to stay enrolled in this university past this semester.. I think I will lose all hope. Killing myself might become my best option at that point, because once I get there my options are going to seem a whole lot shittier than they do now. I am going to ask my therapist to put me on an anti-depressant, I've refused steadfastly every time before this to ever take anything, I had always wanted to wrestle with this demon on my own, but it draws strength from every weak moment I have and I'm running out of strength to fight with it. Maybe the pills will finally give me the kick I need to get over it... If they can't, maybe they will give me the escape that I can't get in the waking world.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 11, 2009
  2. diafwcc

    diafwcc Member

    I've been thinking about it some more and I realized just how few people know about how much I've let go in the past year. My parents know I've been struggling but I've been very careful not to even hint at the point that it's gotten to.

    My dad, he would just be angry, probably say something like "What are you doing? You're shiting your life away, you know better than this! I taught you better than this, how did you make so many wrong decisions?" But fuck him, right? He was a fucking weekend warrior when it came to parenting, he logged a certain number of hours every month, talked to me on the phone too.. and that makes him think he was fucking parenting me? I saw most of my friends more often than I saw him growing up. But he's fucking oblivious to the gigantic gap between us and it drives me up the wall. I want to tell him that I've smoked a shit ton of weed in the last three years and done my fair share of drinking too, and how did he deal with his addiction problem when he was a young kid that didn't know better JUST LIKE ME? It's not like it isn't a problem that might crop up in my life- oh wait, alcoholism is an inherited trait! Fuck my life, a great source of advice gone before I ever had it. He swore off the shit before I was born and adopted the most plastered-on holier-than-thou act when I was 9 after marrying his second wife. A guy that never gave a shit about religion for three decades was now forcing me to go to church and (no offense to any of religious faith) study the glorious clusterfuck that is the bible, pressuring me to go through confirmation and get baptised in "his" church when I barely know anyone there and am having my first real experience with religion. I didn't even understand what half of the stuff he wanted me to do meant! Maybe if I'd had a say in the matter I wouldn't hold such a bitter attitude towards religion. I've found my own spirituality so I'm honestly inclined to let that be. But the fact that I can't be open and honest with him about the actual problems in my life, when despite all his shortcomings he is one of the only people in my life I trust to give me hard, sound advice is just upsetting. So I lie to him, I've been lying to him for a while now, and it's starting to pile up to the point where he's going to start seeing through all the things I've told him and maybe he will see just how close I am to everything falling apart? Part of me wants him to figure it out on his own, part of me wants the lies to continue forever.

    My mom knows more, but still not everything. The reason she knows anything at all is because she's not so embarassed by who she was in the past that she can't talk about it. We share the shit in our lives and that has kept us close, but recently she has just as much shit in her life as I do, she's going through her second divorce, and I can't bring myself to reveal to her that her only son also happens to be doing a royally good job of fucking flushing away all that money she is paying for tuition. I'm gradually becoming more distant from her and considering what she and my step-dad are going through is already bad enough I feel like whatever I do may end up increasing the strain on their relationship, I cant have that on my shoulders. The first divorce was because of me and I won't have any part in another one.

    I haven't told many other people. I've hinted to a couple friends here at college that I'm not doing well in school, admitted to one of my closest friends today that I am close to outright failing... Been cutting class a lot lately, it's like a bad habit that snowballs into an avalanche that I can't control

    Who else knows? One friend from high school who goes to a uni nearby that I see occasionally. Haven't talked to her in a while though, for all she knows I'm probably doing great by now.

    So in total, if I killed myself tomorrow, 4 maybe 5 people would know/be able to understand why. And my father would not be one of them.

    This has just devolved into me ranting, I'm going to get a mod to move this. Ugh.

    Edit: Oh shit, I've actually been cutting a class the entire time I sat here writing this and didn't even realize it. That is just too fucking perfect.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 11, 2009
  3. diafwcc

    diafwcc Member

    I feel like I wrote WAY too much in those 2 posts for anybody coming in here to give enough of a shit about my problems to read all of that (I don't blame them, everybody has their own shit to deal with and that's enough, isn't it?). I mean writing all of it was cathartic but still, half of the reason people vent about their problems openly is because they hope that maybe somebody listening might have something helpful or at least mood-lifting to say to them.

  4. LastCrusade

    LastCrusade Well-Known Member

    well, i'm listening.
  5. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    ok, you have major issues with your farther, i'm sure you dont need telling twice. ok i am a person that hates parents using their children after a divorce (i've been there, done that; i can empathise) and yes your dad constantly comparing you to everyone else will give you an inferiority complex, and you can tell me to go shove it after this, but its just my opinion and you may not like it;

    stop caring.
    why does what they think matter? they are only peopel, people by the sounds of it have made your life shit. very sadly, one day they wont be around, and it will just be you for the remainder of whatever you have left, you have to do what will amke YOU happy. what will keep YOU sane. what YOU feel is an accomplishment. no one else matters.

    you are the only person that is with you from birth to death, do right by yourself. fuck whatever else they say.

    in saying all that, you are completely within your rights to be pissed and mad at them. COMPLETELY i would be surprised if you werent.

    why is it you might not make it to your next semister? and only keep sacrafising if YOU want it. and if your dad comes along and says your making a shit of it, then tell him AT LEAST YOUR STILL DOING IT. your trying which is a hell of alot more than what most bums do, they just get a job in a dead end place and have kids and make those kids lifes bad. so your doing a hell of alot more with your life.

    you should be proud hun :hug:
  6. cinZamurai

    cinZamurai Well-Known Member

    stop bugging me I´m reading ;) j/k

    (ps I will write someting less silly just hold on. This is how I am :hug: )
  7. LastCrusade

    LastCrusade Well-Known Member

  8. cinZamurai

    cinZamurai Well-Known Member

    Okey I read it all now. I am struggling with about the same type of stress that you do. Its the old expectations spooking. Only way to get over expectations is to not set them to harsh. the way one deal with it is to put up simple goals that we can make and that will boost our confidence. We dont need super goals just some stuff to get the motivation started. Little things on a list and when we do them write them of and feel good about it. And if one goal got to hard well just make a new one, its no biggy we can try again.

    If you want to get better at handling living I suggest you do something physical if you are not already? Anything you fancy really. running, socker, martial arts, dancing or something you think would be kind of fun. If its a gym for example its just a few minutes of your day and it feels good afterwards.

    Sometimes its the simple things we need to do, to get the mind "of things" and get back in the track.

    I feel we probably do the same thing you and me and put ourself´s down a little, and I think that you are to hard on yourself. we cant let anyone define us diafwcc. The universal truth is In whoas hand ?

    The shoulders got a little lighter and even with all the stuff going on we had something to work with. "ourselfs" and we did it knowing that nobody can tell us who we are but ourselfs, no matter how hard they try they fail at it. They suck at it. shoulders are even more relaxed now and we are okeyish, we will start relaxing and deal with our adventure on this earth.

    One step at a time,
    In present time
    thats where the magic happens.
  9. diafwcc

    diafwcc Member

    First of all, thanks to all who replied, this truly feels like a welcoming place when I can come in and post what amounts to a small novella and come back several hours later to multiple, sincere and helpful replies. I really appreciate it

    Ive already been put on academic probation, if I dont raise my GPA by a set amount this semester i'm pretty sure they are justified in outright booting me from the school. I appreciate your advice and kind words though, you are absolutely right (my therapist has told me the same) and I try as much as I can to adhere to what you said. It's hard to beat back the old habits sometimes though. Especially on a day like this... I could go on and on right now, I think thats the anxiety kicking in, but a bullet in my brain would feel pretty nice right now. I have the worst kind of headache, cough and runny nose and it's really just adding to the torment cause I wasn't able to get any sleep.

    My body is in pretty crappy condition right now, I'm not disabled but due to injury and subsequent surgeries I have a somewhat gimpy right leg, which on good days only hurts a little bit and on bad days actually causes me to noticeably limp (I walk slowly on days like this to hide it). Even 5+ years removed from the injury I still struggle with it, having a different gait tweaks muscles in my back and neck causing me even more general pain and discomfort. I've tried my best to stay in shape and be healthy but most of what I get for my effort is a heaping assload of pain and I've gotten tired of how unbelievably drained and pained a workout will leave me. This of course is also a source of my depression/exasperation with my life situation (yet another thing for me to feel hopeless about). But thank you for the advice and kind words!

    I'm so tired of being in constant pain. I actually daydream about what it would be like to go through one day of life without feeling any physical, recognizable pain. The fact that often on top of that there are psychological and emotional pains to deal with during a day just compounds my problems to no end. How much pain can one person realistically put up with? I feel like I'm being crushed...
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 11, 2009
  10. cinZamurai

    cinZamurai Well-Known Member

    I´m sorry to hear that :(

    Any chance to talk to a rehabilitation physios doc about how you could go about training your leg and neck? I know swimming is usally a good thing as water can carry you up but getting the right type of training when you are hurt is really important, so dont take my word for it. They should be able to tell you how to train the right way and give you a plan for it.
  11. diafwcc

    diafwcc Member

    I finally managed to pass out and get some rest around 1... slept for about 6 hours. I still feel like crap, and now that I managed to waste another day? I just want to shrivel up and die, I already feel so wasted away anyway. I'm too depressed to even rant about it. Im going to start planning how I want to do it, thats the only thing I can think about now thats not pathetically depressing. I've always thought a knife to the wrists would be the way with the most poetic justice... was never for harming yourself, cutting, whatever so when I do finally take a knife to my skin I will be making vertical lines, not horizontal.
  12. diafwcc

    diafwcc Member

    I think I finally managed to take a positive step. I called my mother after a couple days of her trying to get in touch with me and explained fully what has been going on with me, she knows pretty much everything now and has promised to help me get through it. Glad I live close enough to home that I can get out of the dorm for at least a night or two, and she wants to help me come up with a plan for how to deal with all my academic problems. That was a really hard conversation though... I feel extremely drained.
  13. cinZamurai

    cinZamurai Well-Known Member

    Thats a big and brave step diafwcc, good work. I hope you can start to feel better soon. its a long battle but you can do it! Stay on it and keep accepting help.

    I wish you the best on your adventure.
    Take care!

    "Its an exclusive club membership. Members gets to experience the only experience to experience, there own life."