Will I jump?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by jumper?, Dec 12, 2008.

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  1. jumper?

    jumper? Guest

    In a short while (after having done a few chores) I'm going to head up to the top of a massive bridge. I don't know what'd going to happen.

    I don't want to jump. I'm not selfish enough to kill myself this close to Christmas. I am, however, quite dissociated right now and am writing this barely clinging onto myself. I won't be in control up there.

    Last time, the only reason I came down was because someone beeped their horn, and that cracked the dissociation and I was me again and could come home.

    I'm writing this in the hope that a, it might break the dissociation before I go, and b, if I do go to have something to hold me accountable and bring my home (as in to post on here). I know it won't make a difference to anyone here, but I just have to try posting to see if it helps.

    I'm compromising today. My brain (dissociation) wants to kill me on the 27th December but if I can make a good enough compromise with it before then, I'll be safe. I want to be safe because I don't want to ruin Christmas.

    I want to make a good compromise. I hope I do.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    No, dont even go there hun:sad: Stay at home..on sf...talk to us. You just said you wont be in control.. dont go there. I hope you make the right decision :hug:
  3. ~Tosh~

    ~Tosh~ Forum Buddy

    i agree with lynn, you'd be much safer here with us. we can talk to yu and help you thro this badtime.. please :hug:
  4. jumper?

    jumper? Guest

    i enrtt. i couldnt even stop in the layby it was full of works vehiclas possibly. i dont rememebr much of anything until then. external forces often bring me round a bit. nt much this time thiug because i got disorientated and forgot how to get home, despite it being a palce i know like the backl of my ahnd and only 10 mins away from hoem.

    i needed to make a compromise. if i dont compromise with my brain snd dissociation its going to take over, it has shown this time and time again and ic ant have that happening over christma.s i needed to do this and i coudnt. im so scared now its going to make me <mod edit - Methods>. it feels like it might do that.
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2008
  5. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    hey hey,

    compromise ok? compromise by jumping maybe from not so great a height. have you tried just jumping from chairs, like putting chairs around the room and jumping down?

    what is it about jumping that appeals to you?
  6. jumper?

    jumper? Guest

    trhanks for the reply, and thank you for the earlier replies too :)

    i dont think i have a fascination with jumping, as such, but the dissociated part of me is determined to kill me, and at the moment, that happens to be 'death by bridge'. It gets an idea and doesn't let it go. If I fight the idea then it will just compeltely take over, i lose time and it just happens, so thats where the compromise comes in. if i can compromise with my brain and carry out what it wants to some degree then i dont lose time and have some sort of semi control. it seems to have less devastating consequences that way. its just realkt oguh. i cant live like this, but the therapy that mgiht help soneone with my problems will only help minimally becauseof the dissociation and the professionals are unwilling to help me in anyway so im trying to find ways myself, and the only way i can find, is to compromise.
  7. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    yep, and there are loads of ways to compromise. :smile:

    you know what i used to do? i used to, when i used to feel like you, make things- and commit suicide that way. for example, just hanging things i'd made from my shower stall. i'd be incredibily unwell and dissociated like you. and wanting to jump.

    you have this thing with jumping- it's something the brain part of your is wanting to carry out with. obviously, it means something to you. have you tried maybe making something that could symbolise you and maybe throwing it from the bridge, or from a great height, rather than you doing it. because i hear that you don't want to die, and i completely hear your struggle.

    i'm glad you're looking for compromise. there are lots of ways to act these feelings out through play, without jumping off that bridge or harming yourself.

    there are therapists that work with dissociative people. i literally a lot of the time am sitting there numb and silent, and dazed a lot of the time, and a couple of great therapists have always worked with me and kept me safe. there are people who will help. don't give up. and play with the jumping, like throwing things, or throwing things from your window or from the top of your stairs? rather than doing it to yourself. you're a worthwhile person, what your brain is telling you to do is hurting and wants an end to the pain which is completely understandable. :hug: there are therapists who will help with that hurting part so it doesn't take over too much.
  8. jumper?

    jumper? Guest

    I went up there again today. I got out, and walked, and then just stood and looked. I felt so peaceful. I was just about to walk more when a Police car came belting pass sirening. The sirens brought me back to myself. I legged it home incase they sent a cop car out to me having seen me up there.

    Things are very bad and scary right now. I'm really desperate for some help and support, yet I don't have anything. I'm really a mess right now, and I just want some help. But no one will help.

    In September I had an assessment for some therapy. Apparently 2 other people at my GP surgery had the same assessment and they both started their therapy in October. Me? Nothing. I didn't get funding or anything, despite the guy who assessed me saying it would benefit me. Everyone gets help but me. I just want to feel better. I'm so on an edge.

    I'm sorry for bumping this up but I have no where ese to write.

    And GGG thank you for your suggestons. I have taken them on board. I'm looking for the perfect doll/model to use so that it helps me.
  9. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    Ok. I do hear you and I'm so glad you're doing what you can to keep yourself safe. Is there any way you can maybe try not let it get to the stage where you actually reach the bridge?

    Yeah, asking for help when you're so desperate- I completely hear you. The system is fucked up.

    What do you mean, funding? Were they going to fund you for private therapy? What kind of assessment was it, that you had in September?

    Keep talking here, if it helps you. I'm glad my suggestions help. Looking for a therapist to help you, especially when you're so on edge is difficult, I know.
  10. jumper?

    jumper? Guest

    Thank you :)

    The local CMHT (I'm from the UK) have deemed me too complex to help, so me to get anything at all (I actually have no support) they have to look out of county, and if they find something, they have to apply for funding for me to go there. The therapy was DBT although the success of it will only be limited, but anything is better than nothing. Now there is nothing unless my GP can somehow sort it out. I only ever see him when I am desperate which is normally every two to three months, but that's it. Everyone else I know with my diagonsis or problems similar have a psych, or a social worker, or a CPN or just someone! I don't. I'm stuck as I am and I can't cope keep going like this.

    I really tried not to go to the bridge, I tried not to get out the car, but I failed.
  11. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry to hear that. You're going through so many holes in the system.

    Maybe it'd be helpful to go to your GP on Monday, insist you need a CPN or social worker at least to monitor you and that you're feeling desperate and out of control at the moment and that you need one. You're right, you should have some support from your CMHT at least. You're being left out alone here, no wonder you feel scared.

    When you do get a social worker you could ask if he/she knows of any voluntary organisations that might offer some time- limited amount of help at least. I know I got my most help from a domestic violence/substance abuse place (a charity) with a woman who helped me for a year. She helped me keep safe and helped make me see that dissociation was a life saving skill I had. Or maybe seeking private therapy if you haven't tried, might help, although it can be a long long search to find someone who speaks your language.

    In the meantime, yeah, you should be receiving a lot more help from your CMHT than what you're getting. A social worker or CPN that you get on with to talk to you regularly might definitely be of help to you, and you sound like you're screaming for help.

    I talked about anchors with my therapist recently and it's a bit like that isn't it? When you have no anchors, no therapy, nobody helping you like what you're experiencing, you completely drift off into whereever...and it is frightening :hug: Take care of yourself. I think you're an incredibily strong, resourceful person to have been so long without any help and are still reaching out and trying.
  12. jumper?

    jumper? Guest

    Thank you so much for your reply. You are so right when you talk about anchors. That is so very right and really did hit home.

    I'm not sure I would be allowed anyone though. When you've been deemed too complex to help you are pretty much shunned, and I don't think they would have someone qualified enough to deal with me.

    Strangely enough I do have a doctors appointment on Monday. Last time I went I begged him for some sedatives (that was the only thing I could think of that might hlep the dissociation. My theory being if I took it when I first felt myself go, maybe it might stop me going completely, or make me too knocked out to completely disappear off both physically and mentally), he asked me to come back in a few weeks to discuss it. I'll try and raise it with him that I need help, but I don't think he will be able to do anything.

    I have tried a couple of private therapists, but to no avail. I need a break right now before I start looking again. I need to get through the immediate future (i.e. Christmas) and then think about that once I know whether or not I'm alive when it gets to January).
  13. ergo51

    ergo51 Well-Known Member

    Deemed to complex so you get no assistance? That's a disgrace. Can you or anyone on your behalf go to your local M.P.s surgery about this matter, it's their job to represent you and sort out this kind of thing on your behalf. Hopefully then someone will get a well deserved kick up the arse. ( the info should be easy to find on the net for your area) A friend of mine was told to 'breathe into a paper bag' once (I won't go into details but it was totally inappropiate advice) over the phone by an incompetent 'health proffesional'. This kind of thing really ****** me off.
  14. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Jumper. I'm sorry to hear that the doctors have not been much help to you. But please don't give up hope and please don't go back to that bridge. Have you watched the documentary 'The Bridge?' It's in the reviews section and it's about people who jumped from the sanfransisco bridge in 2004 and how it has affected their families. :hug:
  15. jumper?

    jumper? Guest

    Thanks for the replies :)

    Many people have told me to go to my MP before, but its really hard to do that when you know you don't deserve help and are worthless and poisonous, because you know you shouldn't really have the help, yet you are so desperate for it. Whenever I've had an assessment I have told the complete truth and never held anything bad because I was always of the belif that the more you tell the more they can help, but really, I told too much and they shunned me because of it. When I told my GP before that I didn't have a social worker he was very surprised. To be honest though, whilst I would love an anchor, and would really like that constant support, there's not anything they can actually do is there.

    I think that's the thing. There's not a damn thing anyone can actually do.

    Thank you for your replies though, they really are appreciated :)
  16. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Just dropping by to give you some :hug:s
    Really hope you don't jump, or kill yourself in any way. I know life can be really, really hard, but don't end it all now. You don't know what might come in the future.
    Also, if you did jump and didn't die, you could end up paralysed and live a horrible life. It's so not worth it.
    Am always around if you need to talk.
  17. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    You should be getting a social worker, please do go and ask your GP about that on Monday.

    As for being "too complex," I've been treated very similarly. Last year I was about to physically die looking for help. And I did eventually end up in hospital where I was treated like shit too.

    People might make you feel worthless and deemed a hopeless case you are not. I can see you're needing someone to treat you like a human being and that you need anchors (I've been working on creating anchors for myself this year, and it's really great) and listening.

    Maybe not the MP but maybe try MH advocacy as they'd try and sort out what you should be getting. An MP is just gonna read your letter and do nothing, as far as I see it.

    And you're right, just getting through Christmas is what is important. Just getting through these few weeks. If you don't get a social worker soon, maybe just rely on your GP more often, as in see him more often, rather than wait until an emergency- he/she can be an anchor for a while? Let them know you need to see him more often.

    As for sedatives, from my experience, they can really elevate the floating to a bad degree and they are dangerous (for me personally). Maybe something strong to help sleep might help but when you're at a stage of being half asleep/half awake, and you're floating, bad things can happen..:dunno: but that's just my experience...

    If you have anybody you're living with, maybe letting them know what's going on might be of help to you. At least there'd be someone looking out for you?

    I know it feels hopeless now, but once you get those anchors in place, it gets more easier as to how people can help you better. If, they are listening to you properly. There will be people who do.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 22, 2008
  18. jumper?

    jumper? Guest

    Thank you for the replies :) They are really appreciated.

    I have been to the docs today.

    I made the appointment about a month ago because I wanted some sedatives (to which he agreed, but would only prescribe them just before Christmas-I want them for the 26-29th Dec).

    I told him where I went on Friday and how I've been twice before, I told him I wasn't in control of it, but the Police siren had bought me bacvk because it was an external factor, i.e. it brought me out of my head. I talked about sedatives, he talked about more sleeping tablets. I couldn't look at him and just bawled my eyes out. I told him that Friday was a compromise for ODing today, and that was supposed to be a compromise for dying at the weekend, which my brain has latched onto. I also told him it wouldn't surprise me if I ended up back up there. We talked about the lack of help and support I have and he said he was ashamed to be part of the NHS who could do that, and he was very disappointed in it all. I said I know why its happened, it's because I'm poisonous and evil and they know this and want me dead because I poison everyone. I told him I don't talk to anyone outside my family anymore because I poison them and brainwash them and then cried about how I was trying to stop poisoning people but that it's always going to be inside me and I couldn't stop it.

    He them gave me two options, a, give me some sleeping tablets and he would forget the whole conversation, or b, give me sedatives but contact the crisis team and get me an assessment to be IP. I told him I didn't want anymore sleeping tablets I have more than enough to get me through the Christmas period. So that him with option B. I can't go into hospital this close to/over Christmas, so that also was not an option. I just him I was sorry for wasting his time and left bawling my eyes out.

    I really, really tried, and now I don't have anything to help me get through the next week or so. I don't want to take sleeping tablets during the day, but being sedated might stop the dissociation, but I don't have anything like that (he previously talked about Diazepam).

    He called me about an hour later to tell me that despite neither of us having any idea, whilst I didn't get funding for what we thought they were applying for, I have apparently got funding for something else. Apparently the BPD Specialist wants to see me and work with me one to one so I didn't get funding for the group DBT, but apparently I have funding for this. That is good, but I will only believe it when it happens. In the summer I was told I would go on a waiting list for a counsellor and be seen shortly, yet the same people who told me that told my doc that they wouldn't see me. Go figure. At the end of the conversation he also told me he was in on Wednesday morning if I did want to see him.

    So now I don't know what to do, go back and waste more time/risk hospital admission to try and get some sedatives, or just leave it, not see anyone and then deal with whatever happens when/if it happens. My gut says the second option. He can't do anything. Now I don't know what to do. I just know I feel shit and I'm alone, with no back up plans, through the worst week of the year.
  19. jumper?

    jumper? Guest

    I've just seen your edits ggg.

    That's really interesting about the sedatives, and your experiences. I am just looking for anything that might hlep. I've never had them before, but did wonder if maybe I coudl take them when I felt it starting if that might help, but it sounds like it could make it worse. That's not a risk I can take, especially at this time of year, so thanks for the heads up.

    My family know I struggle at this time of year (my best friend died 3 years ago on the 27th) but I always try to minimalise their stress and just put on that smiley front because it's not fair to add more stress to them.

    I don't feel I can see him. When I was trying out different meds I was seeng him weekly, but that was to monitor me, and there was a purpose, but just going back feels like I will be wasting his time because he can't do anything for me anyway.
  20. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    You've been treated badly because of the people in the NHS, not because you're poisonous or evil :hug: although they can make you feel like that. You deserve help, you deserve to be heard and treated.

    I'm so glad you did go to your GP and that there's some good news when it comes to the BPD specialist.

    Did you talk to him about the social worker? Instead of talking about pills, did he actually talk about your CMHT and the support you should be getting from them?

    Why do you feel you can't go into hospital over this period? It does sound you're in a very unsafe situation/state of mind and they'd at least stop you wandering out.
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