In a short while (after having done a few chores) I'm going to head up to the top of a massive bridge. I don't know what'd going to happen. I don't want to jump. I'm not selfish enough to kill myself this close to Christmas. I am, however, quite dissociated right now and am writing this barely clinging onto myself. I won't be in control up there. Last time, the only reason I came down was because someone beeped their horn, and that cracked the dissociation and I was me again and could come home. I'm writing this in the hope that a, it might break the dissociation before I go, and b, if I do go to have something to hold me accountable and bring my home (as in to post on here). I know it won't make a difference to anyone here, but I just have to try posting to see if it helps. I'm compromising today. My brain (dissociation) wants to kill me on the 27th December but if I can make a good enough compromise with it before then, I'll be safe. I want to be safe because I don't want to ruin Christmas. I want to make a good compromise. I hope I do.