will my life go on like this for the rest of my life?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by free_your_mind, Apr 17, 2009.

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  1. free_your_mind

    free_your_mind Active Member

    i really think so now, and this is why.

    ever since i met my boyfriend may last year i have lost everything, i put on 4 stone, i lost all my benefits and almost became homeless, i attempted suicide twice this year alone and have been on constant suicide watch in a police cell for 24 hours.

    my boyfriend has been through the same hell, he lost is benefit aswell, unable to pay utility bills, and we constantly argue because of the financial crisis we are going through, sometimes i think that there is some force trying to attack us and make us separate, it's strange that it was fate that brought us together and yet that same fate is trying to tare us apart.

    we was going to get married this summer, that's now out of the question as we can't even afford to wipe are own asses nor can we even buy enough food to feed ourselves.

    quite a couple of times he said he wanted to break up with me because he has had enough and wanted to spend his life by himself, and i think when he comes home tonight we are going to have yet another huge argument again about current affairs.

    yes you hear me right, he goes out every day and comes back very late at night because he can't cope staying in all the time, you see my favorite thing my boyfriend loves to do is run away from anything and everything.

    he will probably come home very late like 12am in the night and be in a panic state of mind, because of current financial crisis we have on our hands.

    i received a letter from the DWP saying my medical certificate is in fact a dud, yes i was desperate because i needed the money so i extended the medical certificate from 2 months to 12 months and they found out, i'm sure you would do the same if you desperately needed money, i really do not need lectures from anti benefit rich snobs telling me i am scrounging of society because at this point i really don't care, i have to go on benefits because i don't work and i am constantly sick with severe depression, stress, and IBS, i think suicide is really the answer here, i cannot take anymore of living in this hell hole what we call earth, everyone is trying to make my life a living hell and take any happiness i had and take it away from me!

    i wanted a baby, marriage and to move in with my current partner, i don't even see that anymore, because we go through so much hell that it's jeopardizing our relationship at breaking point, we don't even make love anymore because we are so depressed, sometimes he pushes me away when i hold him or he sleeps in the next room because he is too upset, it saddens me when our relationship is like this.

    i had a horrible dream last night that my boyfriend was a ghost and it was the end of the world and god was talking to me, i wish i remember what he said to me but i can't remember any of it now.

    my next door neighbour is a absolute animal, he plays music very loud all day and night, stomps on the ceiling on purpose and shouts very loud and claps his hands, throws beer cans in front of my door, and chucks rubbish bags all over the pavement, the police won't do anything, the environment services won't do anything and the council won't do anything (apart from recommend to meditate, yeah right!)

    i really don't know what to do anymore, both me and my boyfriend are suicidal at the moment, i could ask anyone reading this now, would you end your life if you were in the same situation i am in now?

    who will stop me putting a rope around my neck and getting a kitchen knife to slit my wrists? no one, because nobody cares abut my problems, everyone is always concerned about their little perfect paradise, you should be lucky that you are actually married with kids and have a stable home with a car, i will never have any of that in my life ever, i was cursed to be childless, and alone for the rest of my life, it angers me sincerely that i can't have a better life than everyone else is having.

    my half brother died around 2 years ago and i wish that was me that died, not him, he was stabbed because of a racial attack, and yet again the law do nothing again, i hate this country that i live in, my mum is sick also and there is not much she can do to help me, i don't talk to my sisters much, my best friend is in another country i am alone and no one will stop me or help me when i am going to kill myself, no one will miss me, hell my boyfriend suggested that we kill ourselves at the same time so we can die together, i think that's a great idea, at least i won't be alone on the other side.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 17, 2009
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I'm not sure what country you live in, so sorry if my suggestion is way off. But in the US they have help for people who are on benefits and are having a tough time with housing. They're state run organizations that will pay for part of your rent, and then I think there are other programs you can apply for that will help with some of the bills. Might be worth looking into so that you could move away from your obnoxious neighbor to a place you like and can better afford.
  3. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    ....i'm glad you reached out here.

    thank you for opening up and sharing....and i hope it helped you to get it out. it sounds as if you are overwhelmed by your situation, and no wonder. you are getting hit from all angles.

    i hope you choose to keep reaching out like you just did - it is very positive and shows that you don't want to die, you just want things to get better.
    i hope you stay. please don't listen to your bf when he suggests a 'pact'. please reach out here and stay with us - until things get better.
    if you stay - there is a chance things will turn for the better, and soon.
    if you go - all hope is gone.

    i am here if you want to talk by private message - and i am sending you a real hug - even though it appears 'virtual. no doubt, it has a real feeling behind it. . .:hug:
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