Will Never Succeed might as well give up

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Corpsegirl, Nov 5, 2011.

  1. Corpsegirl

    Corpsegirl New Member

    My father was a bit crazy. He would spend all the money for food and important bills on drugs. Then he'd take the rest of his income and buy the latest gadgets. He would scream and rage. However he got me a computer and a Nintendo. I ended up with other consoles. These brought me great joy in life when we had power to use them. When we didn't have power because of his habits, I would pull out paper and crayons and draw hoping to keep him from yelling at me. He would always throw away my designs. I worked hard thinking up ideas for games and things that could be added to existing games. As I grew older I made it my goal to make games and thus give others a small amount of enjoyment in life. My mom eventually got us away from my abusive, controlling, insane father. I started learning programing. My dad had us move a lot from pot connection to pot connection. My mother was disabled from polio. She had to work a full time job and do all the normal house wife chores. This helped him get more money for his drugs. The only constant for me ways the enjoyment I got and my dream to bring that enjoyment to others. After we escaped my father we lived with my almost as bad grandparents on my mothers side. We got away from them and my mom went back to college. She then got accepted to Holyoke college in Massachusetts. We packed up and moved from California to Mass. The internet had just started to be accessible to everyone and I already had a computer from my father. So I do my best to learn programing and art. Over highschool and early college I start to lose the ability to push hard with my hands and I started having a lot of issues with pain throughout my body and much stiffness in my joints. This starts to limit my ability to program and draw so I give them up in despair. I move my brain to learning marketing and design. Focus on how to visualize and describe how a game might work. I still wanted to bring the joy to others that I had experienced and helped me keep myself alive. I am sure without games I may have already killed myself. I use the internet to meet people and network. People love my ideas and offer me help. Then, they suddenly abandon me. I did my best to be patient with them. I'm poor and have little money and no way to work a 9-7 job or pay for college. I save up government money here and there and take classes but its too slow. I already figured loans were a bad idea before they got to be as bad as they are now. Somehow I never managed to qualify for a grant. I am 28 years old. I try multiple things even predicting marketing and game design trends that have come to pass already. I keep trying to find ways to get to my dreams. I keep getting shot down no matter how good the idea is because they always rely on others. I feel if I give up on the dream I had since I was a child I might as well just die. Its been the only thing keeping me going. At this point it feels impossible. Each time I am met with failure and disappointment the suicidal thoughts are worse. I have one last shot in the dark but its one thats too big a stretch to even work since I have no way to get the minimal help required to achieve it. I quickly become immune to every pain medication. Nothing helps my version of fibromalygia for long. The chances of the small chances I have panning out are too small. I'm not even sure its worth trying as it seems downright impossible to get even a little help from anyone. I'm depressed, sad, listless, and crying all the time. I try to hold on that I may be able to get this chance but if I can't even get the basic unskilled help I may as well just give up on life. If I can't succeed because the odds are too stacked against me since birth, whats the point in going on and being a waste of space? I hate being on governmental assistance but I can't really find a way to get off it yet. If I get this one chance at my dreams maybe I can get off assistance. I'm not really sure. I don't expect help from anyone anymore no matter how minor or costless the help may be. Its hard for me to continue being an optimist when life stacks itself against me. People can't be trusted. All living things want very much to live. However, I'm just not sure its worth it if I have to live as a leech because I failed at the only thing I can accomplish with my disabilities which also happens to be my only dream in life.

    The one chance I have is for this one game. If I get 10k peopel to sign up and paly it until they hit level 5 I will get a chance to design something for it. If my designs are good I may be able to join the company and work there. However, its nearly impossible for me to do that. They need to sign up with my refferal link. ITs free but I ahve no idea how to get that many people to do it even though it costs them nothing. People just don't help each other. http://signup.leagueoflegends.com/?ref=4db9a6904cb22964427969

    Each person that does that gives me a 0.01% chance at a shot at my dreams being followed and my getting off government funding which may disappear given the state of congress. They have a reward to allow me to come design something with them if I get 10k people. Its a shot in the dark at my dreams but if it turns out hopeless whats the point in living?
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    if you are in mass now, you might want to check out the new england school of accupuncture.

    I think that they have some free clinics that you can get into if you qualify. hard to get in though, wait list I think

    if you are disabled, I think that there are business loans that are available from the government

    I hope that your dream of making a game comes true!