Will the pain, questions and guilt ever go away?(may be trigger)

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by lissa08, May 28, 2011.

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  1. lissa08

    lissa08 Member

    So why is it that no one will believe that molestation and rape actually happen to people, that its not just a scam or a way to get f'ing attention? No one believes that I have had so many bad things happen to me. They think I make it all up to get sympathy, or that I have some twisted version of Munchhausen's. Like there is no way that I was molested by a neighbor at my mom's, another neighbor at my Dad's (they're divorced and went back and forth between every week when I was a minor), and then raped by 3 random strangers. Later had an emotionally and physically abusive boyfriend.
    And why is it so hard to tell people you love (Parents, siblings, other family, friends and significant others)? Desperately feel the need to talk about what has happened, not just saying "yeah... I was molested, raped, then molested more, by 3 different people" But actually TALK about it. I think it's against the rules, after reading some threads, to go into details about what happened. But I thimk I'm at the point where I really need to go into details. Nothing graphic. But explain the situation more in detail..
    I have vivid memories of all of the molestations from when I was little. Can remember being pulled into a car while I was walking down a street and raped by 3 guys when I was 14. How could I dream these things up, like so many have told me? How could I have vivid smells, and still be able to feel their hands if it was all just a dream? Am I really that insane?
    How could I fake the emotional destruction from a boyfriend constantly telling me I was fat, ugly, a p.o.s, my stories and poetry were pointless, because I would never go anywhere with it? How could I fake the cuts, bruises and glass in my forehead from when he hit me with his car because I bought him the wrong kind of soda? Is this possible?
    I know I didn't deserve to be molested by either of my neighbors, because I was only 6-8 for the 2 years it happened. The rape was probably my fault. I shouldn't have been walking down a street alone at night to the arcade. That was a stupid move on my part. Shouldn't have been wearing a skirt, even though it wasn't a short one. I know they hurt me, and took a piece of me that I can never get back, but why do I still feel bad for what I did to THEM? I managed to kick two of them and cut one with a knife or piece of a broken bottle, not sure what it was, that was by me on the seat of the car. I fell out of the car and got away, but not before they got what they wanted. I didn't hurt them in anyway seriously. But I still feel like shit because I even did it.
    I'm sorry this has been such a long rant, but these things have been flying through my head for years, and have had no way to get them out. I don't even know what the point is of this post anymore. Im so upset and confused...I just don't know how to make sense of any of this anymore..
     
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hi melissa

    i'm sorry you were hurt. what happened to you was terrible, and should never have happened. i am also sorry you weren't believed.

    i believe you. and i'm glad you are sharing your story.

    if you want to share in more detail you can try one of the sites i posted in my other thread, pandora's or after silence.

    i have found that seeing a trauma specialist was the best thing i ever did for myself. i am finally starting to heal from the abuse. do you have a therapist you can talk about this with? if not i really encourage it.

    i also recommend the book "the courage to heal" you can get it cheaply on amazon or from your local library.

    keep sharing, it will do you good...
     
  3. Lady E

    Lady E Well-Known Member

    It's okay to be upset and confused over this. You have been through a lot. It makes processing what happened a lot harder when you finally muster up the courage to share your story and people accuse you of making it up. You definitely deserve to tell your story and to to explain it to the degree that you need.
    Have you ever sought out therapy or counseling as an adult? As dazzle said you would probably benefit from seeing someone who specializes in trauma. They can listen to your story and help you process it in a safe way as you tell it. You deserve to heal from all you have been through.
     
  4. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    You're allowed to walk down dark streets and you're allowed to wear skirts and you do not deserve to get raped. No one deserves that. Try to realise this.
     
  5. Alaskagurl09

    Alaskagurl09 Member

    I can completely understand how you feel. I have been hurt by people my whole life and when i tried to tell, when I was really little, no one believed me. they thought i was making it all up. I haven't tried to tell my story since then, though sometimes I have wanted to, but I am really afraid of what people will say. This is the first time that I have even tried to talk about it. I wish you the best. I am so sorry that you were hurt in the way that you were. And it wasn't your fault. No when you were little and not when you were older.
     
  6. lissa08

    lissa08 Member

    Thanks. It really helped to tell what happened to me on here. I know now that ARE people who believe me, and don't judge me and assume I just made it all up to get attention or pity. It honestly made a world of difference to me. I've been able to handle things a lot better, my relationships with friends have benefited, and I now feel like I can actually try and trust again. I'm not afraid to be who I am, and I have day's when I will leave the house wearing something other than jean's and a baggy t-shirt. I actually wore a dress when I went out with some friends last weekend.
    If you want someone to talk to, I am always here to listen.
     
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