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Will this ever get better?

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Active Member
I have been raped.

After everything I've already been through, I thought that enough bad stuff had already happened to me. Apparently I was wrong. I don't know if I can ever be the same again. I feel like my life is over now, and all I'll ever feel now is this crippling pain.

I went to the police last night, but they didn't have a female doctor to see me. They can't get my medical done until tomorrow morning. I don't want to go that long without a shower. I need to clean myself, wash off anything that is left of him. I feel disgusting.

Will this ever get better? I can't function. It just goes round and round in my head, constantly. I keep re-living it, over and over. I can't stand to touch my partner, of anyone for that matter. I will only link little fingers with her, that's all I can cope with.

I am scared of her. Scared of everyone. I hate being alone with anyone... even with her. I am worried that this will happen again. Even that she might try to.. fucking hell.

I don't know how to cope with this.

I feel like I am broken now. Tainted. I don't feel like life will ever be the same again. I hate myself.


Antiquities Friend
I am so sorry this happend to you. You must be experiencing so many awful terrifying and conflicting emotions right now. Is there anyone impartial you can talk to about this. Have they given you any numbers to ring? it seems very difficult for lack of a better word that they are making you wait before having a shower. I know that you must be desperate for a bath or shower but please please dont have one until the examination. There is a much much better chance of the person being caught with evidence. Im sorry that you are feeling so isolated and frightened. You wont feel like this forever. I know you cant believe that now but it will get less as time goes on. You will need support and love and care in the meantime please try not to shut everone out. Its a long hard road ahead but you have your partner for support. It is natural to question everything you know at the moment your whole world has been thurned upside down. Is there anyway you could see your gp on an emergency appointment to request a short course of sedatives? i know these arent an answer but its temporary little bit of calmer while you have to wait for your examination. You are not at fault nor is how you are thinking or feeling. The more you can get off your chest the better. I know these must be very frightening times for you but please keep posting ok we are all here for you. You can pm me anytime. My thoughts are with you xx


Staff Alumni
This is awful and please demand immediate care...this is one of the horrors of rape, that the victim feels broken...I know first hand because it happened to me, but yes, it does get better, when one realizes that you did nothing wrong and you were vicitimized...again, demand care and try to feel compassion for yourself...please PM me if I can be of any help...J


Active Member
Thank you for your words.

I don't know what to do. I know they are trying to be as quick as they can, but they are having real trouble finding a female doctor for me. It has been almost 48 hours since it happened, and I need to shower soon. I can't be seen by a man. Not after whats happened. I can't let a man touch me.

I should be easy to find a female doctor, but I think they are having trouble finding one will agree to see someone like me. I am a female transsexual, but have not have my surgery yet, I thin that maybe the female doctors don't want to see someone who still has sexual organs that are more typical of those normally found on a man.

I understand why it might be hard for them to see me, but I need to be seen by another woman. I can't let a man anywhere near me.

Being trans makes this harder somehow. I'm worried that that is why he chose me. That kind of makes it my fault. I can't help who I am. Why should I deserve to get raped because of it? He treated me as a man. And he raped me in the fashion that men would be raped in, it makes me feel sick: Not only was I raped, but I was raped as the wrong gender : (

I don't even like men. I'm a lesbian for fucks sake. I never wanted to touch any man, let alone be forced to.. fucking hell : (

What if It doesn't get easier. If it stays like this forever? I feel sick, and I'm disgusted at myself for letting this happen. What is Susan hates me now? I'm ruined, and wrong, and marked.

I should have stopped it somehow. I shouldn't have been so stupid. I hate myself.


Well-Known Member
Its not your fault they feel intimidated for you cause they don't understand please seek the help you need you desirve better and a shower god I can't image that


Staff Alumni
This can NEVER be your fault...please get care, and if there is only a male physcian, have a female nurse in with you...but the care...you need to be compassionate towards yourself...you are the victim...and this person violated you...it is not about sex...rape is about power and illness...please get care...J


Senior Member
I am so sorry this has happened to you. And that there has not been medical assistance available to you. It is all horrible. There is not one thing you said that could make me think any different than what I am going to say next : Nothing was your fault. Nothing nothing. You are not bad. There is nothing wrong with you to have this happen. Nothing.

It is good that you are posting here. In addition to posting here as much as you need to, or can, is there a rape crisis line that you could call in your area? Because the more help you can get the better. The fact that there is not a female doctor to have seen you within 48 hours is not your fault. It is their fault. Youre being transexual without the reassignment surgery is no reason for a doctor to not be available to see you. I am sorry this happened to you. And I hope you can get to see a doctor very very soon. Or nurse practitoner


Active Member
I have finally showered, I had my medical this morning. It was horrible, it was like it was happening again : (

She wanted to ask me lots of questions about what had happened. That was scary, as while I have talked to the police about the events leading up to what happened, I haven't talked about "it" in any detail to anyone. It was really upsetting having to re-live it, and I regret asking Susan to stay with me: She shouldn't have had to hear all that.

The actual physical part of the examination was even worse. I couldn't stop my hands from shaking, and this made it almost impossible to take my clothes off. I got stuck in my top, and then couldn't undo my own bra. in the end she had to help me to undress, which I really wasn't happy with, as it felt awkward to be undressed by someone else so soon after what happened.

The swabbing was the worst part. It was a disgusting experience, and the whole time It was happening it was like he was doing it again. I was shaking a lot, and nearly crying. If I'd know how bad it would be, I wouldn't have agreed to a medical.

I've also been back to the Gum clinic today, as the anti-HIV medications they gave me (Emergency PEP pack) have made me very ill: my eyes and skin have gone yellow as my liver is failing. They've changed me to different pills, but I'm very worried about if my liver will recover.

I still don't know how to deal with this. I still feel like it's my fault somehow, and I feel so dumb. I should have known there was something funny about that drink, I've had GHl recreational before, so I should have been able to recognize GHB (The effects are so similar). I'm feel so silly for now realizing, and even sillier for accepting a drink off someone I didn't know.

Thank you for you kind words, I still can't believe a lot of them. I can't see how this will ever get any easier, I'm still not sure if it's my fault, and I still feel like I did deserve it for being trans. But it's nice to hear people say those things, because even if I can only believe them for a brief moment before I go back to hating myself, that moment is worth it. Thank you.


Staff Alumni
So glad you were finally able to get care...now, it is your mission be make sure that you, the victim, is not punished further...you did NOTHING wrong, and I hope that you will believe it...with heartfelt caring, J


Active Member
I have showered again. I stayed in there for two hours, and exfoliated my skin with a pumice stone, it is very red and sore now. But I had to be sure than nothing remained that he could have touched. I though I would feel better after that, but I still don't. I still feel dirty and ruined. Will I ever feel pure again? I need too.

Before this, my partner was the only person who had ever touched me. I was so happy with that, I had kept myself pure for her... now that is ruined, and I feel stained.

I want to feel good again, I want to feel clean. I'm not sure that I ever can now. What he did to me was inhumane, and it sickens me. It is all I can think of, all I can see. I hate it. and I hate him, and I hate myself, and I hate Susan for leaving me alone with him. I hate everything about my life now.

Thank you for your support everyone, I really mean it. You're helping a lot, it is very kind of you, and far more than I deserve. Thank you.


Well-Known Member
Jaded, I am so proud of you for having the courage to tell the police and have an exam done. I can only imagine how hard that must have been for you.

I am so sorry that this happened to you. I am sending you happy, comforting, and warm thoughts. Also a :hug: if it is okay.
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