Will you listen to my story?...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Veclord, Dec 13, 2007.

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  1. Veclord

    Veclord Active Member

    Alright. I've only talked about this with certain people I know. I've NEVER really went into this much detail online, so bear with me as best you can. I'm so sorry for how long this ended up being. I'm going to be as direct with everything as I possibly can.

    I met a girl online a very long time ago who used to date my then best friend. Well it turned out he treated her pretty bad and would constantly accuse her of stuff. Of course, they ended up breaking up and he started showing these mental issues I couldn't stand. He was just really insensitive and quick to do all this finger wagging at me for my faults as though he were perfect. I did my best to be a friend and to be there for him but he just wouldn't have it. Well, this girl came to me and I ended up taking her side which ended our friendship of course...for good. Me and the girl got closer. We started talking on the phone and she would talk about how bad their relationship used to be. I had never really had a girlfriend prior to this person so I more or less kept my distance. Overtime we became much closer and decided to go ahead and have a full relationship with each other.

    I've tried to block this out so much that it's really hard for me to remember when different things happened. But I know that I drove to Chicago with my dad to see her in person for my birthday in October of 2004. She was so beautiful. We walked through the mall, held hands, kissed at a movie. All that stuff. At the end of the day I took her home and my Dad and I went home after staying in a hotel for the night. It was probably easily the best day of my life. None of the friends I ever had compared to having a friend like her. One that I could comfortably show physical affection to. It was so wonderful...

    The following March of the next year she came to my town to visit me for a whole weekend. We went to different places and got to get really intimate with one another without a lot of people staring (I'm white, she was mexican. People down where she lived gave us nasty looks wherever we went). After she went back home I started realizing what I wanted to do with my life. I ended up getting a job at a rail yard as a groundman working nights for 8.00 dollars an hour. It was a rough dirty job and I had to work with mean nasty people at times when all I wanted to do was hold her in my arms in a quiet warm place. Just by ourselves and away from the ugly world I'd been exposed to. I can remember standing in the dark cold next to the steel rails I had to climb up and down over and over and over again. The crane was so loud and trucks zooming by me only inches away from hitting me because they couldn't see me with the yard being so dark beside the train tracks. I was always constantly thinking of her. I remember gladly going through this hellish torture if it meant I'd have the money to see the love of my life again. Even if it were just for a few days; I didn't care one bit.

    One night I had a fight with my parents before work. They thought I was saving money to run away to Chicago and permanently stay with my girlfriend and her Mom. My Dad had to drive me to work at 10:00 at night for me to be there by 11 and work my shift (which would sometimes end as late as 10 or 11 the next morning). I fought with my Dad the whole trip. I remember the last piece of the argument I had with him that night:

    Him: Your mother and I are not your enemies. We've raised you and we'll be respected regardless.
    Me: Anyone who tries to control and keep me from making my own choices IS my enemy.

    I slammed the door and he sped away. Leaving me by myself to walk down the long stretch of asphalt to walk into the gates that led into the rail yard.

    This place operated in "crews" of 1 groundman, 3 yard jockys (drivers), and 1 crane operator. The operator was a guy about 10 years older than me who was named Kevin Groundtree. He was a wreckless bastard I couldn't stand. And at this point I was reaching my limit with the job overall. I hated the schedule. I hated the people who worked there. I hated the way the supervisors lied and took advantage of the crews and I hated having been put through so much stress by my family. I hated that I couldn't see or talk to Leticia. I hated that I didn't have the education to support her as she lived with a single mother who was obnoxious and verbally abusive. Most of all, I guess I just hated myself. Why couldn't I be strong enough to come up with the money I needed? I was so hurt. I wanted to run away from everything, but I couldn't. I had to fight for her, for my work record, and for myself. It's the only choice I had.

    The yard consisted of an extremely large lot of shipping containers that the yard jockies hooked up and brought to the train for the crain operator to lift up and place inside the rail cars. My job was to climb on the train and apply these twist lock devices on all four corners of the containers to make sure they didn't fall from the train as it left. There were 3 tracks. Track 1, 2 and 3. We were loading track 1 and had gotten somewhere in the middle, when we came to a section of the cars that needed 53' size containers to be loaded. I had to climb up onto the flat type cars in order to manually set up the pins for the crane to set the box down and automatically lock into these pins. The problem is that 53' is the largest type of container that exists as far as I know. It's extremely large and wide. So someone with a crane trying to set it in place would have a very hard time unless they were a seasoned professional which Kevin was not. He did things like fall asleep in the cab from not having slept the day before the next shift. He read porno magazines, talked on the telephone while operating the sticks with one hand. All the perfect qualities of the man you'd want to trust YOUR life with. Right?...

    I climbed up onto the car and started to set the pins up. After a couple of seconds I heard the crane motor start revving up. I was leaned over and before I could bend back up the top of my hardhat hit the top of something hard. Within an instant a charge of terror shot me through the heart and echoed down to my very soul. Kevin didn't see me walk on the rail car because he was arguing on the cellphone with his wife and wasn't paying attention to what he was doing. I started making my way toward the edge of the container while it was lowering and he swerved the box some, knocking me off balance and onto the rocks below. I walked off the job that night.

    I'm gonna finish the rest of this tommorow. It's just that I'm suffering and hurting of what became of this and I have not EVER told ANYONE but the things that have happened concerning this woman. I feel somewhat better already having confessed a little of what kind of crap I put up with. Again, I'm really sorry that it's so long...
  2. incombustible2000

    incombustible2000 Well-Known Member

    i am glad you are getting the chance to vent. Take care take it easy and talk to you later.
  3. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    No problem, I for one will always be willing to listen.
    Without hearing the end of your story, I don't know what situations are now, but it seems like you cared a lot about her.
  4. PontyCruizer

    PontyCruizer Well-Known Member

    cant wait for the next bit mate

    take care
  5. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    looking forward to reading the end of your story. there is pain but also hope in it.
    my best wishes to you. take care hun
  6. SoulRiser

    SoulRiser Well-Known Member

    Venting is good for you :)
    I hope to read the rest of your story soon...
  7. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    Ranting is good. I want to hear the rest of your story as well.
    Perfect way in explaining.
  8. Veclord

    Veclord Active Member

    Thanks so much for the kind replies everyone. I know that other people here have problems as well (some much worse than mine), I only wish to sort out myself completely and get past this before I start trying to help anyone else. This is also the hardest part to explain for me, so I needed time to calm myself down before trying to go through it.

    When I went home that night my mind stayed blank for the longest time. It just wouldn't seem to sink in that I'd had a true near death experience. I didn't understand what I was feeling, what I was supposed to feel or what not to. I remember being so angry at the crane op as well as my Dad for getting me tied up messing with such an awful place in the first place. I was angry and sad that I now had to go job hunting (while explaining what had happened), but I guess at the same time I was so happy to be alive. Happy to know that the kids I may have would be able to exist because I was fortunate enough to come home ok that night. And of course, that I was still alive to be able to see Letty again. How happy she'd be to know I was ok when I told her that something awful almost happened...or so I thought she'd be happy. At this point I really don't know. I had a nightmare about that infernal yard just several days ago and seeing her face in my mind triggered terrible feelings instead of comforting ones. More on that later.

    I called her cellphone and there wasn't any answer. I guess that made sense since it was 2:00 AM by the time I finally got back home. I left a voicemail and decided to call her early the next day. When I finally did talk to her, her reaction surprised me. And I won't lie: in the back of my mind I felt hurt. It seemed like everyone I knew didn't realize how serious what had happened. They knew I hated the job anyway and I did suspect that they all maybe just thought I made up an excuse so I could quit. To this day I can't tell you why she seemed a bit semi-unemotional. I guess she wasn't happy because I wouldn't have the money to come see her. If I died that night I would have NEVER seen her. I would think something like that would be slightly more important, but again, I just don't know. It's something else I struggle with.

    I'm trying to rap this up - Fast forward to the end of the year. Several days after Christmas she told me she'd be making another trip to come see me and that she'd stay for a whole week. We had such a great time, much like we did a year or two before. We talked and laughed together. I was never so happy and excited since I were a 5 year old waiting for Christmas presents. On her last night here we sort of sat face to face embracing one another. Just looking in each others eyes in silence. I was trying not to cry and I think she was too. We almost missed her flight back because we so badly didn't want to seperate. 3 months later she told me that she had a thing for one of her friends.

    Notice how that last line flew out of nowhere? That's exactly how it felt at the time. The discussion came up about staying friends and a few days later she basically stopped answering my calls and text message after text message went with no reply. It's funny how a thing like that can crush you more than most any physical harm a person could inflict. It made me hot tempered and suicidal to a very severe level. I had a short history of depression growing up but never had any real desire to kill myself, but this got me ready to go through with it ten fold. I remembered seeing her, holding her hand, the way her hair and lips felt. Things I'd never see again from the looks of it. I developed mood swings and didn't speak a word hardly to anyone for weeks.

    Some other stuff happened, and as time progressed I ended up getting a job at a restaurant starting at 5.50 an hour. Whatever. If it got me out in the world and for God's sake a couple of friends perhaps I'd be able to pull myself out of this rut I'd fallen in. Eventually I got a few raises and got paid enough to get my internet connection turned back on, a car to drive, licensed and all. It's so great to be able to pick up the pieces, particularly when your parents hardly give any support and just give you a place to live out of sympathy. I started learning different cultures and spending time learning to talk to and understand other people. For the most part it was perfect. Eventually I made a Myspace, and posted a blog about how that I was spending more time with people who cared for me and that I'd be living my life one day at a time. My ex showed and left a nasty comment about how she stopped calling because I "didn't give a damn" about how she felt or what she wanted. She had a picture of the guy wrapping up on her in her profile avatar as well, jackhammering the open wound back open. I told her to just talk to me on MSN and we made up more or less. But mostly all she would talk about is how much her job sucks and she fights with her Mom etc.

    She also would talk to me about problems with her boyfriend, which I absolutely despised. Eventually I got fed up and put a slam toward both of them in my MSN name. It was a short poem since her new love seemed to be pretty big on poetry:

    "The blood's still boiling and my face turns blue. I resent a time or two but I don't ever stop hating you"

    When she saw she got floored of course and asked me if it was directed at her. I didn't reply with a yes or no, just that we couldn't be friends. AS the argument progressed I ended up telling her that from the bottom of my heart I truly hated her and didn't want any contact again for any reason. That's more or less the end of it.

    After this coming Christmas, that will have happened 2 years ago. Now that everyone knows about what happened, I want to describe my problems best I can and ask for any sort of help you could provide. To this day I hurt over this incident. As long as it's been I should have been able to recover by now but it never quits. It crosses my mind every day. I feel that if maybe I were to try to contact her and to at least tell her I was sorry that maybe I would feel less guilt and that it would help me move on. But the truth of it is that I'm scared to death. She'd surely reject me after how much I appeared to have offended her on that last conversation. Best case scenario: If she accepted the apology and things went on ok, I'd just end up being angry at her again. Choosing between the two I'd much rather regret hating her than to actually be mad and genuinely hate her. But I don't want either! I just want this to go away. I think about it every day and whenever I do it causes my mood swings to trigger and I feel hurt and upset. It keeps me from finding other girls to go out with and I haven't dated a single time since this happened. I want my soul mate. One that I could love and embrace every day without waiting to get enough money in order to make it happen in a couple of months. Most of all, I just want peace. Whether that be through therapy, suicide, or other means. I just want this whole thing to stop and go away. How can I do that?
  9. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    This seems to be one of the major events in your life.
    Meaning that, nothing big has happened to you since this girl who you once loved betrayed you. (I'm just vaguely assuming)
    Perhaps you need to get out and experience more, to drown out this recent happening. Dating again might be hard.
    This might be a little out of category, but it makes a point:
    I was molested when I was 12. Now I am currently 17. For five years I couldn't be stable in a relationship/dating/sexually. Since that happened I was kind of prohibited from moving on. It was Something that stuck in my mind, that I was constantly thinking about. Simiular to what you mentioned.

    But, I am over it now.

    Well it took me 5 years. But if I would have gone out and met people it would have drowned out that occurance. Instead I kind of mettled in my pity. Just suffocated in what happened. Drowning out the bad with beneficial things helps out a lot. To give you some advice, what helped me most was acceptance.

    Accept what has happened. Accept to move on.
    The feelings you are experiencing is mainly because you have not yet accepted what has happened. It feels like perhaps there are things left unsaid, or as everything has not 'finished'.
    You can either try once more with her.
    (But to me I advise you leave her alone, she has chosen and communicating with her even more might hurt you severly.)
    Or you can come to the terms that what happened has happened.

    1.Forgive & Forget.
    2. Or just forget.

    I didnt want to do either of those...I just accepted.

    I hope that helped somewhat and wasnt too out of place.
    Best of luck to you!~ :wink:
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 17, 2007
  10. Veclord

    Veclord Active Member

    What you said about that being the biggest thing: I think you're right. My biggest regret growing up was that I never really put myself out to people in order to establish the friendships I wanted so bad. Getting tied up with this girl was the result of my staying at home for so long when I should have been out living a real life. If I had some other stuff going on for me, I'll bet it wouldn't have affected me as much as it did.

    But when you're so young and don't have a whole lot of resources you just take what you can get. My parents weren't very supportive when it came to having a healthy social life, as they themselves aren't socialable people. But that's over now...

    Since writing this thread I've made some serious changes. I'm cleaning up my living space one area at a time (I work full time so it gets hard), I died my hair the color I like, threw out almost all my old wardrobe that I never took much care of (because I hated it). I've went ahead and boycotted lots of terrible stuff I used to eat and I now drink water and tea religiously. Another problem was just mustering up enough confidence to go to social groups and present myself as who I am without having little stuff about my physical appearance bother me enough to have it bleed out into my conversation and scare people off, and now it's slowly starting to change. As I work to become a better person with a better lifestyle, I truly believe it will be the path to getting associated with better people overall. I'm getting a membership to the gym, thinking about dance classes and looking into singles groups. Basically, I'm getting a damn life. So why do I say all that? There's no point in trying to change you, but there is ALWAYS things you can do in order to be a BETTER you. Trust me, it makes a difference.

    That said, I'm so sorry you were another victim of the rotten bastards that ruin another person's entire life with every passing second. Though I'm so grateful for the helpful advice you gave, all that I could say to you in return is something that you should always live your life knowing: While taking advantage of a child is pointless and stupid, a true man's loving and protective embrace is the most wonderful thing you could ever imagine. Stopping yourself from mixing the two experiences is surely difficult, but in it's purest form, the ladder could never even compare...
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