Will

Discussion in 'Soap Box' started by justMe7, Jan 19, 2015.

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  1. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    What is Will to You?

    This is the problem. For me atleast.

    I have Every reason to keep going. I fear losing sight. I fear losing the openness that letting go gives me. I fear the never ending commitment and belief. How will I be torn apart.

    I can do things. But doing them I start to lose the "energy". But I believe this is a fear of pushing. Of drawing from the core of what is left of me. What still keeps me going. I must have sacrificed expression, and effort in order to keep Me alive.

    Now it's a battle of Will. To make what I want happen. To not compromise when I feel tired, or find a distraction. To Commit into building without returning to a place that harbours such apathetic attributes which I've allowed develop around me. The only way I do this is with a solid plan, effort, open mind... And Will.

    Those moments when it breaks you. Those moments when you can't. Those moments when you feel the pressure building. Those moments when you need to collapse. Those moments when it's all a daze. Those moments .... They weren't always here.

    Maybe this is just a query. But I know this Truth. You can think, and be aware of things. But you will never find happiness just thinking and feeling. You need to live. You need to be who you want to be. The idea itself is euphoric. But it's a deception. The idea is your destination. Holding it there without squeezing the essence out of it is difficult enough. Not being warmed by its potential is another...

    All I know is getting out of shit is so difficult. I could barely walk up a hill. Death called. Giving up called. Everything called. And it still does. Giving me the option to produce a multitude of distractions to pull me away from what I have to do. Drawing my mind and feelings away so I lose my place and destination.

    The worst part is I am socially, physically, mentally, logically, educationally... im quite destroyed and stupid. So moving 1 step alerts me to dozens of angry reactions. So I have to KEEP my awareness awake. I have to be kind, and refind my rhythm and balance. You cannot change everything at once. And the things you work on take TIME. Constant Time. Every time pushing it to those limits.. I suppose it's different for everyone.
    Will is my issue. Will and who I am in this existence have always been my issue... Along with a few horrible other ones... but life survives. I intend to live beyond surviving. But that aint Right now. So it takes a great deal of Will to continue making this true. I think the hardest part is going to sleep and waking up. I won't be a robot, so there is a massive daze zone when I awake. Sometimes it takes awhile to find where I am. Hence.. the will to arise through the fog I guess. Even if it's mediocre, it's still my life. My Will is finding the energy to overcome with my heart and mind. And also prove myself right, aswell as wrong in certain cases.

    Just curious what Will is to other people.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 19, 2015
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