wimped out at the last minute

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by dazzle11215, Jan 19, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hi everyone, just want to share my story so far. i was horribly depressed over the holidays, spiralling down, and the only relief was on xmas eve when i decided that this would finally be the year that i would take my life. what a relief. i decided how, and where (but not when 'cos i told myself it could be anytime this year, as long as i wouldn't have to go through another xmas alone.) fast forward to dec 30th when i did a trial run, just testing mind you. i felt such a mix of emotions... relief... nerves... peace... fear. i was listening to the radio and at the last moment a beautiful song came on and spoke to my heart. i started to cry, got up, and went outside and looked at the stars. plan cancelled.

    i feel so ashamed. ashamed for wanting to die. and ashamed for not having the guts to go through with it. it feels like a no win situation. i would say shame is the number one emotion that governs my life, even when i'm not suicidal.

    i did call this week for an appointment at the counselling center nearest me. there's a long waiting list so they can't see me until march. i'm trying to not drink or get high 'cos it makes it hard to resist the urge to hurt myself, but march seems such a long time away, and some nights it just hurts too much

    thanks for listening, i'm glad i found this site
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I'm glad that you decided not to go through with it dazzle. Life is worth living and it's a precious gift from God.
  3. Only1?

    Only1? Active Member

    Hey Im glad your still with us :) Im waiting for counselling too, if you want to chat anytime just get in touch :biggrin:
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    Thanks for your kind words. I'm doing my best to hang in there. Logically, I know my brain is trying to trick me into this but it just feels so hard to have to fight this again (I've been depressed before, two previous suicide attempts and loads of therapy). This time it feels like it just snuck up on me and next thing I knew I was in a very dark place. It's good to not be alone on this journey.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.