Window of Opportunity

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by WearyOneSC, May 5, 2015.

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  1. WearyOneSC

    WearyOneSC New Member

    I have always said that I don't want to commit suicide (primarily because i don't wish to cause others the pain associated with that choice), but I desperately want to be dead.
    Now 45, there have been several "windows of opportunity" when the deapths of my suffering coupled with exhaustion of fighting a particularly long bout of severe depression have made me capable of overcoming the anticipatory guilt of what that action would do to others, as well as, my fears regarding both the physical consequences of a failed attempt (my plan involves a method that is highly lethal but, if unsuccessful leaves one with a host of additional problems) and the possible spiritual repercussions (terrified that I will be "punished" for taking my life with either an eternity of the same kind of pain that has comprised the bulk of this life, or, rebirth where I would be forced to endure the same circumstances that got the better of me this time around.

    I was unsuccessful when I tried at 14 due to poor understanding of what was necessary to complete with the method chosen then. Failed the most recent time (12 years ago) only because I was discovered (should not have been, thought i took into account no one noticing my absence for a few days...still angry that an out of the ordinary event meant I was found before completion) and an ambulance called.

    Yes, there is the laundry list of:
    -Childhood sexual abuse
    -Volitile alcoholic parent (who was also the one who made me feel most loved and protected...go figure)
    -Death of that same parent one week before my 14th birthday
    -Repeated failures while trying to navigate this world (and the memory of what it took to rebuild after each - need to reinvent myself yet again and just don't think I have it in me)
    -Financial destitution

    Yes, I have tried:
    -Group counseling
    -Soooo many combinations of meds
    -Inpatient hospitalization (both in an upscale residential place and indigent psych ward)
    -Proactive steps (physical, mental and emotional) on my own
    -Doing for others

    I just feel like another window of opportunity is coming and I am so very afraid...afraid I will, afraid I'll fail.

    Sorry if this is incoherent; I certainly know it's incomplete...the only time I seem able to order my thoughts right now is when I am mentally composing my letter or working out the details of my plan :(
  2. squirmy85

    squirmy85 Member

    Thank you for responding to my post. When you mentioned no one replied to yours I looked it up, read it and wanted to say hello.
    I'm sorry you're in such a vulnerable place. I know I've been there, I think I still am so I'm probably not the best bet for advice based on that and that in my life so far I've been shown that being sympathetic is a weakness so I'm really bad at, even when I want to I come off across as callous and insensitive.
    I'm not sure exactly what you're going through since everyone is different, I just wanted to reach out and say I care, I'm here to listen/read. I've found venting works, or making comments to someone about who you think you are and it's always helped me to look at it like a third person would sort of. I admit it doesn't always work.
    I ( and I think I'm going to go back on this ) found that inderal ( spelling on that might be wrong) worked for me a lot. It's a high blood pressure medication and was prescribed it for constant migraines. But what I realized was that it really helped my mood overall. I felt more out going , happy, and my anxiety went way way down, it just helped overall , I found that the medications that work the best are the ones where the primary use isn't for your problem. I looked it up and this high blood pressure medication had a secondary use as an anti anxiety drug,
    If you ever want to talk you can always private message me.
  3. squirmy85

    squirmy85 Member

    I want to add that with friends and family it can be hard to talk to them. I know I don't want to burden them with my problems and usually if I do get the guts up to talk to them all they say is it's my head and that I should just get over it. It really really really really sucks when someone doesn't take what you say seriously. I know it's part of my problem. I have to watch what I say about how I'm feeling so not to make anyone mad. It really sucks when I just can't let it all out how. It's hard to explain I suppose. But my family acts like its my problem ( which it is) but won't give a sympathetic ear and actually listen to what I have to say. I bottle everything up now. Which is really unhealthy mentally.
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