Wish for oblivion

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Fitzy, Dec 8, 2010.

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  1. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    My posts are brief cos I access sf from my phone - one finger texting.
    I just want to not be here - my story is probably similar to others here - sexual abuse, incest, abandonment (physical & emotional), parental mental health issues, rape, domestic violence, self loathing, single parenthood , being a crap mother , crap relationships etc etc.....
    I want to be dead - I am worthless.
    I do not deserve love - I am only to be used for sex because I am the lowest of the low.
    I could not suicide and leave my daughter and xxxxxx. I want to cut right now but don't keep anything sharp, or anything I could od on. Elastic bands on the wrist are a poor substitute for cutting.
    I go to sleep each night begging (who) to please let me die in the night. Please take me please please please please ........
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 12, 2010
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Fitzy. I'm sorry to hear of all the sexual abuse you've had to endure over your lifetime. But it wasn't your fault and you shouldn't hate yourself. You deserve to be loved and I'm sure you're a great mother. Please don't harm yourself or your daughter. Get help hun. :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 12, 2010
  3. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    I used to have a really good gp and mh nurse. I also saw an alcohol counsellor. Then I moved and lost all that. I'm on sertraline but it's not really helping probably cos of the alcohol. I'm also starting to recognise that I have had manic episodes and think I need to talk to my gp about this. I have to see her this week to get a new script anyway - she won't put me on repeat prescriptions.
    I'd really just prefer to die.
  4. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Please do not kill anyone. Life has so much to offer, you justhave yet to discover it. :hug:
  5. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    In the end you've ultimately the ability to make the choice for yourself but you have no right to harm a hair on your daughter's head.
  6. All these mixed emotions

    All these mixed emotions Well-Known Member

    Death seems like the easy answer to most of lifes problem, a solution that is bulletproof, "it cant fail" they say...

    But ask the 95% of the people who failed their atempts, and you will know its not easy to die, in fact its so hard that a solution for (most) of the other problems look like a piece of cake...

    And the best thing is that its more likely to find love than death by suicide

  7. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    All of your comments have made me think. I still feel like shit but I will go to the doctor tomorrow.
  8. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    How are you getting on Fitzy, did you see your doctor?
  9. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    I missed my appointment. All I do is sleep and I was too late. I am running out of my meds so I really have to get there.
  10. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I know what that ones like. I sleep endlessly when I'm deep in depression. Its the only escape.
    Whatever you do, don't run out of meds. Phone and ask if you can talk to the doctor and have an appointment that way. Tell them that you're having trouble leaving the house and your depression is worsening.
    In fact be as honest as you can.
    If you do run out of meds, get the chemist to give you an emergency supply. They're allowed to do that for a night or two.
    More than anything though Fitzy, if you feel for a moment that you're going to harm either yourself or your child, go straight to casualty and tell them. No matter what time of day or night. You must go straight there.
    Pm me if you need to talk, I know all about being the crappy mother etc.
    Sending hugs
  11. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    No! No! No! No! No! It's not true! You deserve lots and lots and lots of love! The trauma of your experience has hidden from you your own merit and worth!

    Fitzy is wonderful! Fitzy deserves love!!!!!! Fitzy deserves to heal!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I LOVE FITZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    :stars: :stars: :stars:

    :hug: :hug: :hug:

    Please don't kill yourself!

    <mod edit, TDM -- removing quoted material>

    Please talk to a therapist.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 14, 2010
  12. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Hi CatherineC & May71
    Thank you both. The suicidal/homicidal phase has passed although:sax I was very low for a while. That seems to be lifting - I even managed an early Monday morning start! I have to go to my GP today as I have had my last tablet - I'm a bit scared I won't get up as it is already nearly 3am and I haven't slept yet and if I sleep now I might sleep too long and too late but determined to get to the doctor.
    My old GP knew about my daughter but that was when she didn't live with me and there was little risk of me following through with my thoughts. Things have changed so I intend to bite the bullet and talk to my doctor - she's a bit offhand but I have to risk it.
    Thanks again xxxxxxx
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