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Wish I could change things

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Im a new user so not pretty familiar with things out here. I dont know how to currently put across my mental state. I'm getting married next month. I knw a bride shud be all excited and happy. Im happy but not excited. Its like I have my doubts abt this relationship.

I dont have friends who I can talk abt this. I love my OH a lot but I have a fear. A fear of getting into a new phase of life. Fear of what if things go wrong aftr marriage. The stress and arguements are just adding on it.

At times I wish I was single, I had never met him. Other times Im like inseperable from him. I expected a lot from him, but I was always proved wrong.

I cant back off from the wedding, as everything is at stake. I cry myself to sleep most of the nights. Just wishing things would get back to the time that we had just met.

Im slowly drifting far away from him. I dont want to be so. Coz I know once I reach that stage, I wouldnt care for him at all. Everyday arguements n fights are just pushing me away. I feel like running away from everything or just ending my life.

I have faced everything in this relationship betrayal, abuses, everything....

I want a happily married life. A life which I had thought of when I had agreed to the marriage proposal. I wanted to grow old with him.

But now I wonder if we will be able to even live few years together.

Im depressed to the core, no friends to talk to, just living with these thoughts in my mind. Day in and day out. I thought he was the one who would take care of me, love me, cherish each n every moment for me, make me feel beautiful and confident. Not someone who would make me cry, abuse me, make me feel insecured.

Im feeling horrible.

Feel like ending my life to get over these issues.

I know I cant give up on life like this. I need to be strong. Its just a passing phase of life. But I just wanna hold sum1 and cry. Im just too tired being strong. I need a friend who doesnt judge me but understands me.
I understand. I really do.
My husband and I were together for a long time before we married and we went through hell.
He cheated for the first time when I was 7 months pregnant with our daughter, and I caught him in it via text messages and facebook. I confronted the girl and she swore nothing was going on, that she was just new in town, had met him at work and needed a friend, that she didn't even know about me or the baby on the way. She even came to my house with gifts for the baby. I was so desperate to believe he was faithful that I fell for it. So anyway, when you're pregnant you get extensive std testing, everything came up negative, after the baby came I was positive for HPV. He had gotten it from her and gave it to me. This woman had lied to my face, gave my baby gifts and had even held her. So I posted on her facebook wall "Nice to know my "friend" gave my fiancee an STD while I was pregnant with his baby." Her husband left her and she blamed me for everything lol.
After that I caught him cheating all the time, with different girls. Once he even came home with condoms in his pocket and tried lying his way out of it. The last time was the worst because he was intentionally leaving me clues, he wanted me to know but he didn't want me to leave. So we broke up.
I can't work, so I've depended on him for a long time, he let me keep living here, taking care of the house and the kids and he kept providing for me, we just lived in seperate rooms. He would parade these women in and out of my house around my daughter, and often leave his bedroom door open so I would see him making out with them on my way to the bathroom. It was so hard to move on with him abusing me in this way. I even tried to kill myself, that's when he stopped bringing them around.
I finally picked myself up and started dating, met a guy that I really liked and when he saw me happy and enjoying my life for a change he became insane with jealousy. I never brought this guy home, not once, I wouldn't put him through what he had put me through.But he got clingy, always wanting to be near me, stopped going out and broke it off with all those other girls. After a couple of months I went off on him, told him he had no right to try to be close to me now and that he was confusing me. He broke down in a crying mess and begged me for another chance. Told me he had changed and if I gave him time he could prove it. So I did.
After a while, when things had been going well and we were once again a couple and were connected he asked me to marry him, I had my doubts but I said yes. We were married on ST Particks day this year.
He has quit drinking and doesn't go out anymore. He stays home all the time but I know he's depressed. He's always gaming and spends very little time with me and the kids. He hasn't really changed, before he was cheating with other women because he was unhappy, now he's cheating with that stupid game. I sometimes wish we hadn't gotten married because I just know deep down that he's miserable, and so am I.
I think maybe you should at least put the wedding on hold. Get it all figured out before you make that commitment. I don't want to think of anyone being as unhappy as I am, as a newly wed who doesn't have a relationship with her husband.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Hun you need to take all the time you need to sort these feelings out okay
I agree put the wedding on hold until you are strong enought clear enough of what you want and need.
He will not change hun and you cannot change him it won't happen
If you are having doubts now listen to them okay listen to what your heart is saying
You can back out anytime you can and you just need to tell everyone to back off and let you think and have time you need to be sure about this step
hugs to you
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