Wish I Could End it All

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LostGirl31, Oct 18, 2016 at 5:43 PM.

  1. LostGirl31

    LostGirl31 New Member

    Hello. I found this website and I hope someone here will listen or maybe help a little.

    I have had depression and anxiety disorder for at least 26 years. I haven't had any mental health care in a long time because I don't have insurance (yet). Three and a half months ago my boss closed his business and moved away. I moved with my spouse and child back to my home state because there were supposed to be more jobs here. He (my spouse) was employed within five weeks. I keep trying but can't get anyone to hire me. I don't drive, so I'm stuck at home, isolated and alone, caring for a 4 1/2 year old daughter who would rather have her daddy. It is extremely difficult for me to get around to interviews, and I am running out of money for cabs and day care.

    I am quickly losing any hope that I can find a job. If I can't get a job, I have no chance of getting better. I have to be able to be useful. I am educated, qualified, hard-working. And yet, I keep getting turned down for stupid reasons ("not the right personality", "wrong fit"). My family would be better off without me. If I knew how to kill myself in a way that is both accessible to me and that I really thought would work, I would.

    Thank you.
  2. IdontMatter111

    IdontMatter111 Well-Known Member

    Hello LostGirl31,
    Welcome to the SF family. Everyone is very welcoming and suppotive here.
    I am sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time of it at the moment.
    Please dont give up hope of finding a job, there is one out there for you! three and a half months really is not long and you sound very employable. I was out of work for over 6 months and went for countless interviews and applied for hundreds of jobs, most of whom never bothered to get back to me....I found my job and have now been in it for sometime.
    You are already useful being a mummy to your daughter...that in itself is a full time job....could you take her out to playgroups or playcentres to spend some fun time together. Most little girls prefer their daddy, I know mine did, but as she got older, she is now 8, she wants mummy to do nails and hair and barbies with. You have plenty of time yet to spend together and she will change a lot as she grows up. I am sure you loves you both and would miss her mummy very much if she wasnt there anymore.
    Could you get yourself in with an agency for work? do some work from home so you are still feeling useful and using your brain but then you dont have to worry about travel. If your husband drives could he take you out for some practice and then you have some money saved then take a test?
    Have you spoken to your husband about how you feel?
    You have so much yet to give and a loving family and a daughter who really does want you around.
    Please give things a chance to settle down - from the sounds of things a lot has changed quite quickly and you are probably still adjusting.
    I hope something in all this has helped.
    Please keep talking and reaching out.
    Take care of yourself.
    SillyOldBear likes this.
  3. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Sorry to hear you are struggling so, but like Idontmatter says, you are being useful. Caring for your daughter. I also like his idea of your learning how to drive. My mom didn't learn until she was in her 30's. It really gave her some freedom. Are there any places where you could volunteer your time? A hospital, retirement home, vet clinic. Reading to kids at a library. Any of these would allow you to contribute in a very important way.

    I hope you will take some time to read some of the posts here. You will find many by people who spent many, many months looking for a job. They kept at it. AND SUCCEEDED. So can you. Will your husband get insurance on his job? Can he put you on it? That would open up some mental health care for you. Please be gentle with yourself. You are worth it.
  4. LostGirl31

    LostGirl31 New Member

    Thank you for responding. I truly do appreciate it.

    I don't feel like being a parent is useful. I don't feel like I'm even any good for her. I love her so much and I want her to be happy and I don't know if she can be happy with me in her life. I want her to be happy with me in her life.

    I have two staffing agencies, and I am going to turn down a third because of both secrecy, attitude, and lack of transportation for the interview. I have a family member willing to come and help me get to my next interviews if I can get them scheduled on the day when she is available.

    I realize I'm not the only person in the world to ever be unemployed. But that doesn't negate how worthless and unwanted I feel. That doesn't negate that every "thanks but no thanks" email makes me slip further down toward the end of my rope. I hate feeling like my feelings are negligible because someone else has gone through it or has it worse. I've heard that all my life.

    I have told my husband this stuff but he doesn't say much. He has always said he "wasn't wired" for being emotionally connected. So I feel pretty alone. Even my little girl tries more than he does. Poor kid.

    As for the driving issue, I would still have to overcome a phobia of driving, which, while not as strong as it used to be, is still formidable. Even if I did have a license, I'd have to buy a car and pay more car insurance...with money I don't have. Good idea, not an easy solution. I did try to get a license once. I failed the driving test because I'd never driven in town before.

    I certainly would consider volunteering if I could get around.

    I will have insurance next month, and provided I can afford the copays and get around I can go get some help. I have trust issues with doctors and such. Long story. But anyway, the last "therapist" I had told me she couldn't help me unless I was medicated. I got medicated for about 2 weeks. Then the provider left and I had nothing. So getting insurance and the funds to get to the help is only one hurdle. Damn, I'm not cut out for steeple chasing.
  5. IdontMatter111

    IdontMatter111 Well-Known Member

    I am very sorry if you felt i was negating your feelings about being unemployed, about feeling worthless and unwanted. That was never my intention.
    I have felt the feelings, as i said previously..applying for jobs and getting rejected time and time again.
    I suppose I was just trying to say...please dont give up hope of finding a job....
    Im sorry you feel like this i truly am.
    you may not find being a parent useful but it is rewarding....kids just want your attention and love.....
    I hope you find a job that you feel happy in.....
  6. Welcome aboard!

    I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. Wish I could give you a hug. I just said a prayer for you and your family and I hope that God will provide a good job for you and take care of everything that concerns you. Remember that you’re precious and no situation is hopeless. Sending hugs & prayer your way!
  7. LostGirl31

    LostGirl31 New Member

    Thank you to everyone who responded. I didn't mean to offend or hurt anyone's feelings. I apologize.