I am not a big fan of people yet I wish I didn't feel so alone. All the hurt has added up and the pain had become debilitating. I need help but feel that I am both beyond it and really unworthy of it. It has been several months since I have hurt myself but today I have a particularly strong urge to do so. I know it is sick but I really do enjoy hurting myself. It is one of the few things left I enjoy. Obviously I have a real problem because I hate myself so much that I take pleasure in self destructive behavior. It is a release that I really need. Not only do I feel hopeless but I am just totally apathetic. I don't want to feel better. I just want to disappear. I don't want any of this. I never asked for this. I was never given a choice as to whether I wanted to enter into existence. Thank you for "listening."