I know how that sounds. I usually abhor suicidal thoughts & feelings when I have them, but in a strange way am also comforted by them. I am miserable as usual, & wish I could at least feel suicidal so I could see some way out. I've tried medication, therapy, exercise, meditation; none of it works in the long run, each day is just getting by. I have no hope, I even constitute suicide as hope, b/c at least it's an end to my constant state of depression. Again alone, without any hope, nothing to look forward to, not even the sweet release of death, I am trapped here. In this sad void of life I am stuck, trapped in a world that I never should have been brought into. Do I only exist to suffer? I want healing or I want death, & neither will come to my aid. At least I have vodka, for now.