wish i knew how to make myself want to live?

[angee]

I don't know how to do this? How do i get myself to want to live? The crisis team have just been; they told me i have to start living again, that i have to see all i have done in my life, how much my kids need me... blaa, blaa, blaa! Do they really think i don't know this??? I have tried everything to connect/feel with my kids again! I have forced myself to face how my suicide will affect them, even read stories from children who have lost their mothers to suicide... NOTHING! I feel guilty for thinking/feeling like i do but not enough to stop me! Not enough to change all of the neglect i have done and pain i have caused! Not enough to hold on to like i used to! before last August my kids were my world and kept me safe but for some reason that changed! My kids go away to visit their dad and that is when i am at risk, i wont do anything when they are here, they have just come back, well all bar one, and i am scared shitless! How do i do this??? What if i can't and end up doing something impulsivly? i'm scared!

 

[Marco]

I don't know how to do this? How do i get myself to want to live? The crisis team have just been; they told me i have to start living again, that i have to see all i have done in my life, how much my kids need me... blaa, blaa, blaa! Do they really think i don't know this??? I have tried everything to connect/feel with my kids again! I have forced myself to face how my suicide will affect them, even read stories from children who have lost their mothers to suicide... NOTHING! I feel guilty for thinking/feeling like i do but not enough to stop me! Not enough to change all of the neglect i have done and pain i have caused! Not enough to hold on to like i used to! before last August my kids were my world and kept me safe but for some reason that changed! My kids go away to visit their dad and that is when i am at risk, i wont do anything when they are here, they have just come back, well all bar one, and i am scared shitless! How do i do this??? What if i can't and end up doing something impulsivly? i'm scared!

Another mother will understand you better than me. Sorry if i don't take on the situation directly but it would be inappropriate. What i want say is that when i reach extreme moments, there is no one thing that helps me "put the fire out" or feeling better. There are things that make me disappear a little though, and with me ALL the problems do vanish, evaporate. These are self-decentering practices such as loving-kindness, seeing the suffering i make to those around me and wanting to ease it; sympathetic joy, equanimity, compassion. There are plenty of books on this stuff which is extremely powerfull. It slowly removes the focus on yourself and with that the problem vanish. I hope you didn't get upset with this comment! Best wishes! Let us know more about.

 

[angee]

Thanks Marco, no i did not take any offence or anything, it is very hard to see anything past my own pain when i get like this but i know i have to try and even though it hasn't worked yet i still keep trying, i can't overdose with my kids around anyway so what have i got to lose while i wait! i want to connect with them, to have something to hold onto in those times of despair! It scares me that i havn't got that but i'm still here i guess

 

[peacelovingguy]

Angee - do you have anyone to sit in with you?

Not sure if you have family - and sure - things happen there!

Anyhow - you got us here - and its always the case that some feedback makes us feel better

This is not ideal - but it is in some ways as we can talk easier because in a room - if we were all there - I might be the only one talking - lecturing almost! Or a sermon!

Anyhow - go in peace, I absolve you of your past trangressions - by the authority I have taken for myself!

Anyhow God Bless - did light a candle in the church today and thought of you and a few others also - and my mate in Brazil aged 17 who is doing better than me dammit! Well - the pupil becomes a teacher - I accept that!

Hope your evening is OK Angee

Any TV you like?

Any DVDs or do you download movies?

I do!

Tee hee!

 

[angee]

Thank you, my 19yr old daughter has been trying to take charge lol i am lucky to have a few friends, one in particular who has been there no matter what, she has been great! I am ok tonight, i have friends with me, i'm just scared how much longer i can hold on. I love tv and films and try to watch when i can but i find it hard to follow when my head is racing so my flat is so clean its pristine!!! But for now its helping, dont think its helping my osteoarthritis though lol! Do you like films? what sort of genre? i love music, rock mainly what do you like?
keep safe
Angee