Wish i knew what to do

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Menchi, Nov 16, 2009.

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  1. Menchi

    Menchi Well-Known Member

    Death would be such an easy thing. To slip away, to finally end the pain that life continues to give. I hoped, more than anything, that things would work out, but they didn’t. I feel alone, rejected, worthless, here not to be loved, but to be used. I can’t take that feeling any more, i am a person, who needs and wants like any other. But for so long, i’ve had to avoid that. I can’t any more, i can’t say that i don’t need love, i can’t say that i don’t need to be close, to feel wanted, worthwhile.

    The worst thing is, is that i know it would be such a simple thing to change that. At least for now. There are so many issues, so deep inside me, that cause this feeling, that tell me i’m bad, i’m evil, i don’t deserve anything but being hurt, being rejected, alone. But i can’t do it alone. I hate that, but its the truth, i cannot feel ok about myself. Until i can work on the cause of these things, which i don’t know where to begin with, i need people. But instead, i find that i am only here to be used. All it would take is a hug, a few simple words, to hear that i am safe, to hear that i am not alone. But i’m not worth that now, i’m not worth anything.

    I guess thats the problem, my sense of self, my value, my feelings towards myself, are solely based on other people. If i feel like i am worthwhile, feel like i am loved, am cared for, then i feel good about myself, i’m able to get out there, to do more, to change things, to change myself. But i don’t feel like i am any more. The only worth i have is what i am used for. Not for who i am.

    And all my mind can say is that it is who i am that is the problem. That the reason i am not getting the things i feel i need is because i AM bad, i AM worthless. Thats the reality i live every single day. And thats the only conclusion that make sense, that the fault is with me, with who i am. I need to change, to be a better person, to be able to get those things that i feel i need. Most people would close themselves off, would live for themselves, ignore others, if they were like this, but i find myself needing others more, but more scared than ever of being hurt, being rejected, knowing more that who i am is worthless.

    I spend most nights crying myself to sleep. In the day time, i have to block things out, i have to close up, to put on the facade of the good me, the me thats ok. But its cracking more and more. When i try to open up, try to share how i feel, how low i am, how much pain i’m in, its still worth nothing. Its still ignored. I feel rejected, abandoned, alone, down to the very core of my being. I feel like if i can’t get that need from others, if i can’t feel ok, can’t feel cared for, loved, then i can’t cope with existing any more. I can’t deal with a life like this. To wake up every morning wanting to die, because life is proving to me each day i am worthless. Through who i am, but more through how others see me, treat me. Even when i try opening up, try showing how bad i feel, its pointless, because in the end, no-one cares. I AM nothing. How i feel is nothing. I think i’m giving up, its better to know that i am bad, that i do not deserve any of this, than try each day, and be rejected. I just wish i knew what i could do. I wish there was a way that i would not be alone any more.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 16, 2009
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    :hug:

    I don't know what happened to make you feel so bad. But you're not bad, or worthless. People do care. I know maybe it doesn't feel like it, and having people online who care isn't the same as having people right there with you. But you're not alone, and you don't have to go through this alone.

    Here if you need anything.
     
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    You've just described a lot of my situation and me to a tee!! Just to know that someone out there would for once really want to take the time to understand me. To know how much a single hug, a cuddle after a really trying experience could do for me. I dont think it is much to ask yet everyday that it doesnt happen seems like I'k asking for the world!!

    I'm so sorry that you're suffering from these feelings and thoughts. I know how draining they can be. How they can defeat your best efforts at trying each day to push through all the crap. If only a hug.....

    Wish I was there to give you one to show that I do understand, you arent completely alone in how you feel. Best I can muster is :arms:. Far from the real thing but it is meant with understanding and care. Here if you want to talk about it more. Drop me a pm anytime.
     
  4. Menchi

    Menchi Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replies :smile: . Its something that i'm really struggling with, because my mind keeps jumping to suicide as the answer. The depth of the pain, and the longing for that human contact, that emotional understanding, and in the end i guess, safety. Not being able to get that makes me feel like suicide would be easier than living like that each day.

    But it gets to the point where my mind is so twisted into a fear of rejection, mixed with that need for attachment, that i desperately seek out anybody i can feel that attachment with, but shy away if i get it, scared that it will break (at least online... in real life, i'm close to having given up all hope). Caught up in complete self loathing, justifying that i don't deserve these things because who i am is bad, so if i don't get them, its ok, and if i do, it wont hurt when they are then taken away.

    I don't want to need that fear any more. But i do need to be that way, to defend myself, to keep me safe.

    But instead i'm laying in bed crying again. Another night of wishing it was the last.
     
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    *hugs* I know there isn't much I can say that's going to make you feel better. Just know there are people who care; keep reaching out here. You don't have to go through it alone.
     
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i care and i know you are worth something to everyone here. I would hope your therapist could help you with these distorted thougnts. I am going through same thing god not loneliness just feeling of nothingness and how i hate this feeling. You are kind and compassionate everyone can see that i wish people would listen to you and give you support close to you. We care we do and we will always give you support you need. I have called crisis and so far they kept me going so please reach out to them too sometimes a real voice is all we need to hear.
     
  7. Menchi

    Menchi Well-Known Member

    I guess i am just at the point where i know sooner rather than later things will have to change. Not a short term change, but something permanent one way or the other.

    I can't survive like this, and i hate that huge conflict of emotions i get every time i think of this. I feel so weak having that need for others, and am actually embarassed of myself that something as simple as a hug would make me feel that much better. It wouldn't change things, but when i think about how hard other people have it, and how much more difficult it would be for other people to get away from the pain they are going through, that its stupid of me to feel that way.
    On the other hand though, its too hard to mentally deny that instinct, deny myself, and sustain it. Thats what i've been trying to do, convince myself i don't deserve it, so i am not missing anything that i have a right to feel. I'm not sure i can keep doing it any longer.

    The funny thing is, what i would like to do now, more than anything, is travel the world hugging other people who feel that same need. I've not been around much on the forum recently, but i guess i've realised that what i really am seeking is not much different from many others. That human connection, emotional attachments to other people, to feel like every fight out there i have to face, i wont have to do alone, and in turn, be there for others. So there's one change i'm going to make, and it may sound like a silly one, but i'm going to start doing the lottery or something, hope i get lucky (first time for everything), and if so, thats what i'll do. Travel the world, hugging people. Sounds fucking crazy i know. Something to dream of i guess, while i hope for a more realistic solution. Don't really know what i'm saying right now, i'm tired, and my brain is not with it. But i'm going to start making changes. Somehow.
     
  8. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Well head out my way as your first stop. I could really use a hug right now. Not the well meant ones from here, a real grab you and hold on to make everything feel safe again hug. And while you're giving me one, I'll give you even bigger back.

    And you know what.... I dont think that it is a crazy thing at all. I really wish you do win and try to make others see someone out there really understands.

    I dont know what to say. I only hope that your determination to make some changes for the better or need to win the lottery or both are met soon. You have always struck me as a very understanding soul. And one that would instantly know exactly how to give a "here this will make everything feel safer" hug!!! Good luck!!!
     
  9. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Hi Menchi,

    I think people generally find it so much easier (and more logical) to blame themselves when they get rejected or hurt - it's hard to see it not as all your own fault (I know, I've done it all my life, still doing it now).

    What I can't see is how do you get past that, how is it possible to reach out to people, get knocked back, over and over, and NOT blame yourself? Maybe that's what you're asking too? Wonder how other people deal with it?
     
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