Death would be such an easy thing. To slip away, to finally end the pain that life continues to give. I hoped, more than anything, that things would work out, but they didn’t. I feel alone, rejected, worthless, here not to be loved, but to be used. I can’t take that feeling any more, i am a person, who needs and wants like any other. But for so long, i’ve had to avoid that. I can’t any more, i can’t say that i don’t need love, i can’t say that i don’t need to be close, to feel wanted, worthwhile. The worst thing is, is that i know it would be such a simple thing to change that. At least for now. There are so many issues, so deep inside me, that cause this feeling, that tell me i’m bad, i’m evil, i don’t deserve anything but being hurt, being rejected, alone. But i can’t do it alone. I hate that, but its the truth, i cannot feel ok about myself. Until i can work on the cause of these things, which i don’t know where to begin with, i need people. But instead, i find that i am only here to be used. All it would take is a hug, a few simple words, to hear that i am safe, to hear that i am not alone. But i’m not worth that now, i’m not worth anything. I guess thats the problem, my sense of self, my value, my feelings towards myself, are solely based on other people. If i feel like i am worthwhile, feel like i am loved, am cared for, then i feel good about myself, i’m able to get out there, to do more, to change things, to change myself. But i don’t feel like i am any more. The only worth i have is what i am used for. Not for who i am. And all my mind can say is that it is who i am that is the problem. That the reason i am not getting the things i feel i need is because i AM bad, i AM worthless. Thats the reality i live every single day. And thats the only conclusion that make sense, that the fault is with me, with who i am. I need to change, to be a better person, to be able to get those things that i feel i need. Most people would close themselves off, would live for themselves, ignore others, if they were like this, but i find myself needing others more, but more scared than ever of being hurt, being rejected, knowing more that who i am is worthless. I spend most nights crying myself to sleep. In the day time, i have to block things out, i have to close up, to put on the facade of the good me, the me thats ok. But its cracking more and more. When i try to open up, try to share how i feel, how low i am, how much pain i’m in, its still worth nothing. Its still ignored. I feel rejected, abandoned, alone, down to the very core of my being. I feel like if i can’t get that need from others, if i can’t feel ok, can’t feel cared for, loved, then i can’t cope with existing any more. I can’t deal with a life like this. To wake up every morning wanting to die, because life is proving to me each day i am worthless. Through who i am, but more through how others see me, treat me. Even when i try opening up, try showing how bad i feel, its pointless, because in the end, no-one cares. I AM nothing. How i feel is nothing. I think i’m giving up, its better to know that i am bad, that i do not deserve any of this, than try each day, and be rejected. I just wish i knew what i could do. I wish there was a way that i would not be alone any more.