Wish I knew Why...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lostwhisper, Mar 29, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. lostwhisper

    lostwhisper Member

    I'm new to this forum but things have been going down hill especially the last few weeks and I decided maybe I could find some place to reach out. A lot of the time I feel like I have nothing, like I am stuck in my own mirrors reflection and I am screaming and crying but no one sees the real pain or the tears or really hears me.

    I am still pretty young , only 25 but I have been through so much it has my soul feeling so tired and so weary. I keep wishing I knew why...why people are so mean, so heartless, so cold and cruel especially your own blood relatives. I have felt suicidal off and on for many years, dealing with it daily has now become a struggle.

    My living situation right now has me feeling very broken and fragmented. The past few years I have barely left my home, I am scared to, I guess you could say I suffer from some form of Agoraphobia and being around people a lot due to social anxiety. I have no medical insurance either cause I am really poor, I tried though getting help over the past few years when I did and I was seeming to get better but then I took down hill plunge when I lost insurance and had to go through the county medical services, especially when doctors stopped taking my feelings seriously and treating me like just another number.

    But going back to my living situation, Everyday I get told how pathetic and sad I am of a person, that I should just kill myself and that everyone would be better off without me. It kills me to hear this everyday from my own little sister who constantly bullies me and belittles me when I never did anything far as I know to her. I ask my sister why...why is she so mean and so cruel and so cold and her answer is because she hates me and hates that I exist.

    My mom can't seem to control her despite her being in therapy, but everyday as I hear these horrible remarks from her they are like knives...and it makes me wish I could just end the pain. She talks down to me constantly just like our father did and he had abused me both physically and mentally and emotionally.

    I hate that my own family makes me wish I could just go and leave this world. The worse thing is I feel so lonely in this house and I have no where to go at the moment other then if I wanted to be homeless.

    I don't want anyone to pity me, I'm not posting here for that, I just had to reach out because I can't even reach out to my own family.

    I cry every single day and the thoughts of just wanting to go to sleep and never wake up fill my head each day as well.

    I hate this, I hate feeling this way, I haven't really attempted to go I have only thought of it.

    I just want to escape the pain my family causes me cause there are times where it feels like there is no hope.

    I love my family so much and I just wish I knew why they are always hurting me emotionally, I didn't mean to turn out into such a freak as I feel like at times just because I am scared to leave my home or to socialize.

    My sisters never going to change I already know this, I just keep hoping and praying things will get better and I keep waiting for them to and trying to deal
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF and you came to the right place..I am sure you will find what I have, caring and supportive friends that truly understand and give a damn.

    Your living situation sounds so sad, is there any hope of moving out on your own? Seems at your age that may be the most appropriate move emotionally and mentally.

    We are here for you and glad you reached out..you are not alone in your struggle and in your search for happiness.

    Love Bambi
  3. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Are you living at home where sis lives too? How old are you?

    Yep, family are the best at hurting us an screwing us over. Have you ever confronted your little sister by any means.....like letter, call, voicemail or thru a 3rd person outside of the family?
  4. lostwhisper

    lostwhisper Member

    Financially I am unable to,

    I can't really handle a job either because authority figures scare me so much :(

    Sometimes I guess I just feel like I am waiting for something I just don't know what.

    Atm my income comes from being an independant artist but it barely pays much although it is one of the few things that does make me happy.

    I guess its silly but sometimes I feel like I am scared to live as well......

    a few weeks ago I actually broke down really bad cause my sister had triggered me and pushed me too far.

    I spent an hour crying in the corner of the kitchen just begging I guess towards my own spiritual beliefs for it to be okay to kill myself. I didn't hurt myself but I wanted to so badly.
  5. lostwhisper

    lostwhisper Member

    Yes I am living where my sister is, she is 14 and I am 25, big age difference I know and it probably sounds really crazy...

    I have spoken to my sister many times and she just tells me go, go kill yourself I don't want you to exist :(

    I know they say teens go through some major anger issues and all that stuff but the things she says and does are just so malicious above the norm
  6. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Okay she sounds like the classic "BAD SEED" It's sad but true but depressed people like us, are more easy to target and mess with mentally/emotionally. I will say, you do have grounds for putting her in place EVEN though you don't have work etc. It's amazing what happens when you look her dead in the eyes locked and tell her to "knock your sh*t off" I'm being dramatic but really it's obvious that your mother play passive mom which is classic but the thing is, YOU'RE DYING!

    In fact, go about your day like SHE DOESN'T EXIST....in fact, in your world, she doesn't. You've got to survive on what little you have left until you can rebuild.

    Remember you've got 10 years on her.......and she KNOWS that.

    Are you a musician?
  7. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Hi lostwhisper I'm really sorry to hear how hard things are for you, home life sounds very difficult. are there any support systems around you? sorry I dont know what your mental health service around you is like,I only ask because I once got asked if I wanted to live in supported accomodation because my home was not so healthy for my recovery. Is this an option by you? It is not fair of your sister to be saying such cruel things to you, how has she got such an attitude problem at her age!!Does your mum tell her to stop what she is saying - does your mum know how unhappy she is making you at the moment?
    Families really can be the hardest thing sometimes, i definatly agree with that. I hope your able to find some support here at SF, if you ever want to talk or need anything just PM me x
  8. lostwhisper

    lostwhisper Member

    To Pink Petal:

    I may end up needing to do that, act like she doesn't exist.

    It's just soooo hard to walk away constantly when your being belittled sometimes it requires a strength I don't think I am capable of anymore,

    My mom is majorly passive, she would rather just have everyone go on like nothings wrong.

    No I'm not a muscian, I am more like drawing, playing with photoshop and even trying to design stuff for avatars on this one virtual chat game. It's not taken very seriously by my family but it makes me happy.....
    I also like to write, even thought about seeing if I could ever become an author just don't know how one would go about that.

    I just wish I felt like I had a deeper purpose cause my existence especially lately feels meaningless
  9. lostwhisper

    lostwhisper Member

    Thank you,

    Honestly I don't know if there is, where I am at they aren't too nice to those who have no medical insurance really. My mom does know and she sees how my sister treats me, she will stand up for me sometimes but then do a complete 180 and start yelling at me, she never grounds my sister or anything

    In fact I once moved out just to escape this house but ended up having to come back...when I did I found out they had given my sister a lot of my stuff I had temporary left behind and now I can't even get it back but thats okay well its not really but I can always get new stuff eventually just may take me longer...
  10. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    That is awful, your mum should be doing so much more!!I'm so sorry she's not being as supportive as she should be, its not fair that you are having to go through this. I know parents are the worst for understanding mental health stuff and things like that but she can obviously see whats going on and she is meant to be the mum!sorry that its happening for you.
    Do you have a registered Dr you could go and see and talk things through with (not all drs help but some must be ok hopefully) then maybe they could let you know if there is any help available to you to help your situation? x
  11. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Yup, on the flip side, the more of a reaction she gets out of you, the more she knows what she is doing is "working" and she will keep at it.....does this 14 yr old not have dolls to play with....honestly, sounds like she needs a good smack in the lips. Not just b/c the way she is talking to you but the way she talks period is rubbish.

    In terms of strength, what is the worst that can happen if you tell your little 14 yr old sister to STOP? You may discover s stregnth within your voice, words or even physical strength that you did not even know was there....yet to be discovered?

    Artist, do you find yourself usually in your "head" or mind? Do you find most of your artistic inspiration evovles from your inwardness, loneliness etc?
  12. lostwhisper

    lostwhisper Member

    I guess I dread hearing more hurtful words come out from her mouth.

    I do tend to be pretty introverted, a lot of the ideas and stuff I get are due to just random thoughts floating around in my head. Especially my stories I think about, they come about whenever I feel sad and down and just want to think of something better I guess.
  13. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    The next time your sister opens her mouth hold up your hand and tell her she might as well talk to the hand because you don't give two shits what she thinks.. After that everytime she starts just hold up the hand and go about your buisness.. Totally block her out..
  14. lostwhisper

    lostwhisper Member

    Thanks for all the suggestions, hopefully they will make life a bit more bearable and I will give them a try and let everyone know how it goes.
  15. lostwhisper

    lostwhisper Member

    Things are really bad again....

    More name calling, my mother now has pretty much chosen a side and it isn't mine. My familys depicting me as a villain and it kills me...it hurts so much to not be able to defend myself.

    the whole situation triggered another suicidal feeling, I want to sooo much...but then I thought about my boyfriend and I called him, he doesn't know I have suicidal feelings, I'm scared to tell him but I did tell him what went down with my sister today....and he said something that detriggered my feelings at least.

    He told me I am awesome and when I asked what was awesome about me, he said everything and that if no one can see that about me it is their loss.

    It does help hearing this at times but life is still so hard where I am.

    I ache and feel so lonely in my house. I wish I could just leave but in a way that would be suicide too, I have nowhere to go at the moment really and I wouldn't last long on the street.

    I want to die and yet I feel so scared to but at the same time I want peace so much within my soul.

    I want so much to feel better physically and mentally but it seems impossible.

    I feel like the odds are against me and that more and more would just want me gone, I feel like my existence only causes damage, and is nothing good because most of my life I have been bullied one way or another and if even your own family treats you how everyday strangers do, then eventually you will feel like something is wrong with you.

    It kills me that I love my sister so much but I hate the pain she causes me and that nothing can stop her words. I tried ignoring her, walking away but then she would lash out more and say things she knows are triggers.

    I feel so broken, I have been broken a long time but I feel even more fragmented and that some of the pieces will never be recovered.....

    Why...why do people have to hate me so much :(
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 30, 2010
  16. lostwhisper

    lostwhisper Member

    going to just....soak in the shower...

    But I am promising for now I shall be back on the forum tomorrow even though I really want to give up...tonight I am not going to and just didn't want those who do care to worry.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.